Merry Christmas to me, in my dreams.

Every year, my father emails us (the kids, my sister, my brother and myself) a cute note like this:

Hi Kids,

I spoke to Santa today and he is in need of your list for xmas. He asked that you forward them to my email address as his computer is on the fritz. With the economic times he had to lay some of his elves off so take this into consideration for compiling your list. Look forward to seeing those emails soooooooooooon!

Love,

DAD

(He's adorable, I know) Of course, we have delayed in getting back to him... Maria and I were talking about this and how hard it is to come up with a list. When you grow up and make your own money (or spend all your husbands') and there are you things you want, you buy them. If there is anything I would want and wouldn't buy, it means that it would cost a lost of money. In which case, due to economic times (see above), I wouldn't be asking for those things for Christmas. However, if I were to put together a list of things I would want, here is what would be on my list.

1. iPod Touch. I have the original model of an ipod, and I had a nano that was stolen, I just never got a new one. Now, I will be asking for an ipod for Christmas, just not the touch, because I know I don't need one with a touch screen. However, I think it is time to update my 1980's iPod. I mean, it doesn't even have video.

2. If you know me, you know I am a crackberry addict. I always have my phone, I always check my phone and I will always do so. I have to be plugged in, I have to get my emails, I have to have internet at my fingertips. (Have to is an exaggeration... there are times where I 'disconnect' without warning and annoy all of my closest friends and family.) So, drumroll please, the storm. It's beautiful, I know. And like the commercials say, no body does email like blackberry, so when I saw this bad boy, it was love at first sight. Also, I will take 2 while I am at it, one for me and one for Lawton, thinking in a business sense... and giving.

3. Digital SLR, Cannon Rebel EOS. Now, I haven't done a lot of research on this, so I am not positive this would be the one I would want.... but I do want a digital SLR. Maria just got one and I love the quality... and plus, I totally took photography in high school and I am an artist.

4. MacBook Pro. Sleek, portable and precise! This thing is fast, full of features and fabulous. This one sells itself. I could use this for work, fun, photos, editing, but mostly for work... hmm, have to look into writing this one off...

5. The Kindle. This is the iPod of books. You download books right off their Whispernet system, for a cheaper price than buying hardbacks, and its green! I love reading and it would be great to have like 200 books at your disposal at once! I could have a nice solo retreat, just me, the water and my kindle.
6. One Free Year of Services provided by Hillgate Communications. I met with a communications company yesterday (new home of my best friend, Libby, who used to always give me advice and now wants to be paid for it. ugh) But the meeting went well, excited me and got my non-creative juices flowin'. Needless to say I am pumped about the opportunity and hope we can afford to use them. So, if I got one year free, our business would grow immensely and we would be able to definitely afford them after that. (Libby, can you pull any strings?)

7. Black Zoe Coach Bag. Now, this may sound silly, but every year for the past like 4 or 5, I have received a gift from Coach, either from my sister, brother-in-law (picked it out himself...) or my father. I highly doubt I will be receiving anything from Coach this year, (a) because I need another bag like a hole in my head and (b) there are plenty of other things I would rather receive. So, just to go along with tradition, I would love this tote. Its big, spacious and leather...mmm. And while I am at it, I'll take this, this and this. (For business purposes of course.)


8. Starbucks for a year. Because I have realized that $3.87 for a grande skinny vanilla latte every day is not worth it when I can make coffee at home *sigh*. (Simply due to math 3.87 x 5= $19.35 x 52= $1006.20/year...not because of taste or anything like that.) So I would love coffee from starbucks (preferrably delivered, thank you. oh and I will take a NY Times and News Press while we're at it) for one year.







9 & 10. Season tickets (and flights, obviously) to the Gators football games and the Cowboys games.


Obviously, there are intangible things I want for this Christmas season as well, like peace on earth, end to world hunger, and an agreeable, miraculous solution to global warming. And I also realize I am missing the point of the season, this was just for fun :). So... maybe I went a little overboard... but a girl can dream right?

Black Friday Shopping

Black Friday shopping is like going on vacation. Or getting prepared for it is. This was me the night before.
Comfortable Shoes. Check.
Sweater. Check.
Big purse. Check.
Money. Check.
Neil Diamond Christmas CD. Check.
Coffee. (x3) Check.
Granola Bar. Check.
List. Check.

Maria and I go shopping every year on Black Friday. We usually get up around 5 or 6 but this year we took it a little far. I went to bed around 9pm on Thanksgiving and woke up at 1am. I got dressed, gathered my things (see above) and drove to Marias. We went to Miromar at 2:30 and went shopping until about noon. Ten hours of shopping? Crazy. And we loved ever second of it. We even strategically planned our route based on what time the stores opened. Maybe more than shopping, I enjoy spending this time with my sister because we get to go alone and we have so much fun every year. We had a blast and met up with our Mom, all in all, spending a great family tradition with some of the ladies I love.

Thanksgiving.

Things I am thankful for...
2008 edition.

1. Jesus. I am so thankful for God's grace and that He sent His son to die on the cross for us! I am thankful for the ways He has made himself evident in my life and the things He teaches and confirms within in this crazy world we live in. I am thankful for His Word and the encouragement and lessons I can take from reading it.
2. My family. I am so thankful for each member of my family, whether near or far, they mean the world to me. I am especially thankful for the friendship I have with my sister and father... who are my biggest support system and most wise mentors. I am thankful for the joy and love that my niece and nephews bring in to my life. I am thankful that my immediate family is close and my entire family is healthy and happy.
3. My wonderful friends. Oh, my friends. I have no idea where I would be without you. I have the greatest friends in the world and even though they may be spread that far, I am thankful for the special relationships we are able to maintain albeit the distance. I am thankful for the relationships I have held on to for many, many years and the ones that have most recently blossomed. My girlfriends are pretty much sisters to me and I love them so, so much.
4. Crew. Crew came into my life at the exact moment I needed it most. Crew has been such a blessing in my life this year. I am so thankful for Chris and his family, the ministry and the friends I have gained through such an amazing, God-filled community.
5. Summit. I am so in love with my church! I am so thankful for the things I learn every week, the amazing praise and worship, and the children's ministry I am so lucky to be apart of. I am thankful for the friends I have made and the friends my sister and her family have made through Summit. I am so thankful to be apart of this body of believers!
6. Lawton. I am thankful that God answered so many prayers and restored Lawton's health. I never though God would deliver such a miracle. I am pretty sure I can saw Lawton's trauma was a blessing (although I wasn't the one lying on the hospital bed for 6 weeks). His injury brought me back to relying on God and his recovery was an evident gift from God. I am thankful for Lawton's health and his friendship. Lawton is a wonderful friend who is so selfless and caring, I am thankful that he is my friend and has become such a great business partner.
7. My business. Even though it is a constant struggle, I am thankful that in such a struggling economy, I am still able to financially survive. I am thankful for the humility and lessons that starting a business has taught me.
8. Soccer. I am thankful for the sport of soccer and the way is has and continues to impact my life. I am thankful for the teams I coach and the great children I get to build relationships with and mentor to. I am thankful for my own soccer team and the friendships I have built through the team and the fun I have on it!
9. My blackberry. I am thankful for my blackberry, my ability to email, text and talk to people. I am thankful for the connection it gives me... even though sometimes I would like to disconnect.
10. My mentors. I am thankful for the wonderful people in my life that I have at an arms reach that help me with any question or problem. I am thankful for those of you who give me advice, teach me and yield me.
11. Starbucks (and caffeine in general). I am thankful for Venti Skinny Vanilla Lattes. I am thankful for coffee, espresso, diet coke and flavored creamer (and the barristas that make my drinks!).
12. Football. I am thankful for Football. I am thankful for football season, both pro and college. I am thankful for the Gators, the Cowboys, the Hawkeyes, the Bears and the Fighting Irish. I am especially thankful for Tim Tebow, Tony Romo and Rex Grossman. I am also very thankful that I get to enjoy football with so many people I love.
13. Black Friday. I am soooo thankful that we have a day like Black Friday. A day where is it completely acceptable to be shopping in the dark hours of the morning seeking the best deal possible. I am especially thankful for the time I spend with my sister and mother on this day and the tradition we have created through it.
14. Holidays. Yay for the holidays. I am thankful for the upcoming holiday season and the gift of family that I am so lucky to have. I am thankful that my out of state friends have an excuse to visit and for giving and receiving.
15. My new house and new roomies. I am so thankful for the new place in which I live. I am thankful for the amazing girls, Ashby and Aris, that I live with and the special relationship we share. I am thankful that I live in a house where Christ is centered and appreciated. I am thankful to live in a house that is smoke-free, party-free and drama-free.

I had a fabulous Thanksgiving filled with family time and lots of communication with great friends. I am so thankful for everyone in my life... each of you mean so much to me and hold a special place in my heart. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope today is a day for reflection of the wonderful gifts and blessings God has given you. Thank you God for being so gracious and giving!

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

11"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14a I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Jeremiah 29:11-12 has always been my favorite verse. Since I can remember ever reading the bible myself, this meant so much to me. God has a plan for me, HE has worked out a life for me and given me skills and abilities to live the best life possible. This was a verse I relied on for so long, even when I wasn't walking with the Lord, I still knew He had a plan for me. I rested in this fact when I went through trials and darkness... and it always helped.
Today and for a couple weeks now I have been going through a personal struggle over a guy. I have a tendency to make it a game and all about competition. For example, I am interested in a guy and I do my thing to get them interested, when they show interest back, I lose interest and am over it. Got it? Make sense right? Right. So I have been known for game playing. As I have previously stated, I lost any "game" I had... Well, apparently God is trying to teach me a lesson (always, I know). I have found a guy that plays games worse than I ever did... and I am interested in him... and I don't know if its real or if its is because he is a man of God, he is ambitious and has similar goals, or if I look at him as a challenge. Regardless, I have been trying and trying to get his attention and its not working as it has in the past. This has been exhausting and I have been praying to lose all control in God and to no longer be consumed by it. I even searched www.biblegateway.com for verses about losing control, letting go and giving it up to God (I didn't find anything that popped out at me...).
Tonight I was talking to my sister about it and I literally broke down crying. I was ashamed of myself for being a baby and letting it get to me that much. I think the thing that convicted me the most was that I said, "I am consumed by this and I don't want it anymore. All I want is to trust in God." That broke me, all I want is to trust in God, but I am not giving him control. Then, I was led to Jeremiah. I cried and read verses 11-12. Probably for the first time, I read through verse 13, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." I haven't been seeking God with all my heart about this situation... at least not letting go of it. I am trying to tell God one thing, but clearly thinking something else. I know He knows what I am thinking! And then I read 14a "I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity." And it all made sense. It just clicked, as His Word usually does.
God, I pray that I can completely and wholly turn over my heart to you. I pray that even if I cannot ask this of you with all of my heart, that you will change my heart... as you have done so perfectly through my life. Lord, please let me surrender all control and give you the reigns, as I know you have a plan for my future, plans that will prosper me, beyond my wildest dreams, as long as I live in pursuit of you and in accordance to your Will. Father God, I pray that I stay on your path and that I can remain close to you and put you in the center of my life. I give you my struggle, God I know you will no longer allow them to burden me or be a stumbling block. Thank you for a beautiful life and that my biggest problems are getting myself right with you, Lord. I am so grateful to be your daughter, the daughter of the King of Kings! How incredible that not only do you long for me, but I long for you and I get joy from you and you get joy from me... and you have planned my life and want to give me so much after every sin I have committed against you and every time I have broken your heart. Thank you for your mercy and grace, thank you for making my heart heavy and teaching me continuously. Lord, give me guidance and wisdom to handle any upcoming situation and continue in pursuit of 'Letting go and letting God.' In your son's holy and precious name, Amen.

Sunday Funday

Just a recap of a fabulous weekend...

Friday I moved (and by moved, I mean, sat) in my new office. I haven't really talked about work lately, except for complaining, but I guess I will get to that at another post. I have a new office within another insurance agency (Life, Health and Annuities) in New Brittany (off College and New Brittany Blvd.). The staff I will be working with are very friendly and I seem to get along with all of them very well. It will be nice to get out of the house, aside from running to the post office everyday. We had a U-6 soccer game and Kyla scored a goal (I think we won, we don't really keep track)! And then, we had one of our co-ed games and we won 5-1. My sister, Maria scored a goal (wahoo!) and I assisted two. I, however, am having some sort of anti-magnestism problem with the ball and the net (i.e. my justification for missing multiple goals I should have made). I am so glad I am playing again, especially with my sister. It makes it even more worthwhile when the boys on our team talk about "the sisters" and scream exclamatories like, "The sisters are on Fi-Yah!" heh. Lovin' it.

Maria and I went to dinner at Outback after soccer and she realized how much sin is in that place. Every other word from every one's mouth is a cuss word or calling out my boy Jesus in a bad way. She was really able to see how that can be such a hinder in my walk.

Saturday I woke up and went back to the fields. (Story of my life August thru December.) Sean and our U-12 boys had a game and lost miserably. It was so incredibly frustrating, especially since our boys are better than they played and as a coach, there wasn't much else we could do. Next weekend is our last regular season game before playoffs. I sure hope we can get it all together. We went to lunch with Maria's fam and our other assistant coach, Drummond's family (who are like my BFF's). It was a great time! (Then I took a brief nap and went to the Hell that is known as Outback.)

Sunday I went to church and Nolan spoke about living missionally... (which ended up being a great preparation for my lunch plans). We also had a missionary from New Hope Brazil of Rio speak. They should a video and he told a story that really touched me. I felt God pulling at my heart and calling me to missions... the details of which, I will pray and ponder about. I served in the BigEnuf (4 year olds) ministry for the third service and spent some great time with April and Ciara and some awesome kids. It is so great to see 4 year olds that know about the Gospel. I ran into a friend, Erin (we are going through some of the same things in our life right now...) and she was telling me about a book I should read. I am so thankful for the body that makes up Summit Church and the community that I have gotten to know better and better.

After church, I met up with my mother for lunch. Sigh. My mother and I do not have the best of relationships. She is over bearing, controlling and a complete paranoid worry-wart. Literally, she has police dispatches texted to her phone. (For example, a car crash on I-75; a body found in the Everglades; or 60 year old man drowns in the Gulf.) Regardless of the situation, the lady calls her children to varifying their continued existence. Yes, she will always be my mother. But it is a little out of control... especially when she ONLY calls to (a) check to make sure you are not involved in any previously mentioned disaster, (b) advise you of speed traps, DUI check points or closed bridges/roads/highways, (c) see if you can stop at her house to make sure she didn't leave her auto-shut-off iron/coffemaker/straightner/dryer/dishwasher on or (d) to sit on the phone with her while she gets gas/goes to the atm/drives on a dark road/walks in her house during the dark. It's exhausting just talking about it.

So, we're at lunch and somehow the subject of church comes up. We are talking about the difference between Catholicism (as we were raised and her belief) and Protestantism (the church I belong to). My mother pulls out this hippie-type "I believe Heaven is a place your soul goes when you die, everyone gets in, we all believe in the same God- just different ways of getting there" crap. I am in shock... the mother that took me to church EVERY Sunday, rain or shine, in sickness and in health, relentlessly did not allow me to miss a Catechism lesson, etc. is telling me everyone is going to Heaven and that she doesn't believe in Hell. I pull out a few truths from the Bible and she calls me a Fundementalist. I tell her Jesus is the Way, the Trust and the Life (something we said in every Mass) and the only way to get to God is through HIM and she calls me a right-wing Christian. (P.S. Thank you Jesus for allowing my first "back to following Christ again" witness experience to be with my MOTHER! Boy you know what you are doing...) My sister calls at the exact right time and we finish up lunch, but I am pretty sure I have made my point, maybe as a Fundementalist, but all she offered was opinions as an Idealist. (I'd rather have facts than ideas any day.)

Then I went to Libby's house! Libby has been my best friend since fourth grade. She has been at the University of Florida (Go Gators) for the past 4 years and recently lived in London for 6 months. She is amazing and is living back in the Fort for 6 months before acquiring a 2-year visa to go back to the UK. I am so excited for our time to live in the same city together again! We had a blast just unpacking her room, eating dinner with her parents and going through old scrapbooks (pictures to come soon).

My Facebook Fast is nearing an end and I am thrilled. I have definitely learned to not keep a website as an idol in my life... and am proud of myself for getting through it (30 more minutes!!!!). The upcoming week is going to be cold, and filled with the end of regular season soccer games (for both teams I coach and our co-ed team). I am so ready to get my life back, but I know I will miss soccer and my boys terribly. Every season is the same rotation, I can't wait for it to start, and can't wait for it to end. I am still working on the living situation but I think things are starting to fall in place... or in God's plan.

Eviction Notice.

Dear Negative Nancy, I am extremely sorry that I didn't realize you have moved into my body, mind and spirit. If I had known I would have given you a proper homecoming and then asked you to depart. Somehow or another, you have just snuck your way back in and I am pretty upset about it. Therefore, I regret to inform you that you must leave immediately. I can no longer accept your payment to stay here and since you have no right, (your name isn't on the lease...) I order you to go. I don't have time for you anymore and you are exhausting. My friends and family are sick of you. Not to mention, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming, this is definitely not your time to be here. Please go in peace and don't ever return. Thank you. Love, Alicia P.S. I may miss you, but unlike your friend, Misery, I do not want company. ***** So I have realized I have been a whiny baby lately and not really ready or willing to change my circumstances or take the hard paths God has set forth for me. I have been following two blogs of childhood friends with newborn babies in NICU- one who has a baby fighting everyday to stay alive. I know of people without jobs, losing their homes and worried about feeding their children. People of Haiti that are tormented by voodoo and barely eat, let alone partake in education, entertainment or a relationship with Christ. God is good and as a believer, it is imperative for me to know and understand that, and to exert His joy and to be thankful! I am working on my Thanksgiving "thankful for" list... coming soon! In the meantime, its time for me to stop complaining, trust in God for guidance to fix these problems and kick Nance out on her butt!

Oh, Will, please show yourself to me.

So today was a much better day. Praise the Lord. I started my day with a devotional and prayer. My devotional was in Isiah 49:16, "See I have engraved you in the palm of my hands." My response to this was how lucky I am to know Christ. That I didn't choose him, but he chose me! How great is that!?! And obviously, since he knows me, he has a definite plan for me. (Which I will let reign in my life, let reign in my life... I am trying here people.)

And I was not completely honest when I posted last night. I left one frustration out... which is funny because its the biggest of all and the hardest for me to give up. I'm putting this out there and trying to be humble... so please be gracious and merciful as you read. And don't laugh, because I know I am silly! One of my biggest struggles used to be with sex. I had previously engaged in pre-marital sex (shocker, I know) and couldn't grasp the concept of a relationship without it. I questioned my patient girlfriends about how it could be possible?! After a lot of praying, God finally changed my heart. I made the decision to commit to abstinence until I am married.

God's working ways are so amazing. Shortly after my decision, not only in my heart, but voiced to many of my friends who will keep me accountable, God opened my heart to the idea of a relationship. I actually wanted to date again.

(Back story: I was in a 3 year relationship where I lived with a guy, got a dog, broke up, moved out, lost the dog, and he knocked up a girl about 6 months later. Ouch. I was a serial dater. Then I became a serial game-player- not wanting anything to do with commitment or even a syllable of the word- where I just kept guys around for my benefit and to call on when I needed or wanted something. I cut ties with a lot of these guys that were at my finger tips and I have definitely been tested... and am still working through getting over my past!)

So He places this desire in my heart and a couple situations blossom. Purely situations... But, the situations I had come to know, were not of God, and therefore, these Godly situations were a bit daunting. For example, I can talk to anyone, I am a question prompter, debater and listener (and talker, duh). So when I used to talk to guys, I had what I like to call, a "game". (This is where it may become humorous.) I mastered the "game"...it usually involved drinking and a lot of flirtation. Cue to my 'situations' that are of God. I have no game... zip, zero. Like Ariel in The Little Mermaid when she can't speak anymore. That's how I feel. Which I know is God because my 'game' is so not of Him. Still, I am left frustrated because due my mastering the "game", it was very easy to get what I wanted out of a situation. Whether it be a drink, phone call, pursuit, invite...whatever... I was able to get what I wanted and take it as far as I wanted- I was in control. Again, cue to my 'situations'- these situations are Godly and therefore, so not in my control. So, I am trying to lose myself in God and rest in the "game" of Trusting Him, rather than controlling little men not even worth my time.

So I had an awesome lunch with my dear friend Ashby. I know Christ has used her to teach me. Sometimes when she gets on these tangents, I know Christ is speaking through her. I am so thankful for her friendship and her ability to be a vice for God to speak to me! I went to her house and she made some awesome healthy turkey panini's. We actually spent our lunch hour [and a half] at the pool... it was so refreshing. And we had great conversation... as always. I was telling her about my struggles and discerning between God's will and my overbearing justifications of "maybe, this could be what He wants..." She is great about helping me get right with God. We have also tossed the idea of me moving in with her and her sister around. I still haven't come to a conclusion, but we threw around some ideas and decided I just need to pray for clear direction. (I am having issues with thinking about living more than .3 seconds away from the fam- Cut the cord already.)

Now that I am trying to lose control and rest in Him, I find myself question is this God's Will or MY will? So I decide that I am going to do a Facebook Fast, just for four days starting at midnight. I am so obsessed with Facebook and since I work on the computer a lot, I constantly pop on and off or just leave it up. It has been a great tool for communicating with my friends, especially my dear friends who have moved across the country and across the world (Hello, my name is Alicia and I am a justifer.) Every night for the past couple weeks I talk to my great friend, Matt, a high school friend who attends Bible College in West Virginia. He is a pastor's son and so wise about the Bible and just man after God. We used to have Catholic vs. Protestant debates back in the day, and frankly, he'd kick my butt. Anywho, we talk every night on Facebook and he has become my Bible Trainer (like personal trainer, but trainer of the Bible). He recently lost his phone, and not that we have talked on the phone much at all, Facebook is our main segway of communication. He never got on all night and as the minutes tick away, I was dreading not being able to talk to him before my fast. Well, at 11:57 pm, he texts me, I found my phone. I mean, really, God? You are so cool. THEN, I was blog-stalking and was reading a girl's blog that goes to my church and was talking about a Facebook Fast. So, I get it God, this is a wise choice (I will talk about the boldness later).

Stick with me here, God is still working and teaching.

So Matt and I text back and forth a bit. The front door unlocks and I hear a bustle, footsteps, mens voices and beer bottles clanking together. (Yay the roomies are home! And they brought guests! How exciting!....sarcasm) Frustration ensues and I am twitching in the thought of living here longer. I ask him to pray for my sleep since people are over and wish him goodnight. ONE minute later, (mind you its 12:17AM) my realtor emails me about the place I saw on Monday asking me what I thought and if I want to move forward.
So now I am left with the question of... is this God sending me a sign? I am I living by my will and ignoring His? (I had kinda decided it my head that I would stay even though my roommate doesn't really pay her bills... or ever even close to being on time) So, God, are you telling me that I should move into this other place? I ask for clear direction... and I think this is clear... what do you think?
(Dear God, please respond to this blog. Please tell me point blank what I need to do. I would like to see, "1 New Comment from God: MOVE _______." Or if you cannot do that because you're on a different internet, perhaps galaxnet, or there aren't computers in Heaven, please speak through my friends in their advice. And soften Maria's heart if I do move. Sorry I am so hard-headed sometimes... I'll get better at seeing Your Will... In Your name I pray, Amen.)

Let Go

I heard this song today, a song I have heard so many times before and know the words to. I just heard it at the right time, when God was truly speaking to me. I couldn't find the music video or anything but, this at least has the lyrics.

Stuck.

I am at an ultimate frustration point right now. I am going to throw a small pity party for myself, by myself and then take these things and use them as an axe rather than a chain. Here goes...

I am frustrated with...
-My job. Right now I am doing things that I am not completely happy with. As many of you know, I like to be great at the things I do. So when I am not great, I don't really want to do them. Some may call it pride. And they would be right. Commercial insurance is something I do not know as well as personal. I haven't spent as much time doing it and therefore I am not as knowledgeable and in turn, am very intimidated by it. Granted, there is a much bigger financial opportunity in that side of the business, but since I have not reaped the reward of seeing that thus far, I am frustrated with it. Marketing is also not something I am comfortable with. My friends tell me I could carry a conversation with a wall... and I know I can talk to anyone, but marketing or advertising is just not fun for me. Yet. Going from business to business and facing rejection or wasting my time is no fun for me. But I guess work is not always fun.
-Lawton. Lawton is my business partner and used to be my best friend. I feel like I cannot talk to him about certain things anymore. I feel like he gets frustrated with me, as I do with him. Lawton gets to sit in the office all day and write insurance that is placed in his lap, while I have to do things that I am not comfortable with. He mocks my relationship with Jesus and watches my every move to call me out if I stumble or if I don't act Holy. News flash buddy, I am a dirty rotten sinner and I am okay with that... because God is my judge and you, my friend, are not.
-My living situation. This is just impossible for me to elaborate on. But I have some big decisions to make in the next 3 days... and I don't know if I am strong enough to make them and wise enough to make the right ones.
-Myself.
-My walk. Last week I was on fire for Christ. I loved it and lived it and had a great week. This week I am so down and not feeling it. I am not keeping God as my focal point and the center of my life... and I feel so off track. I am living by my will and not going to God... obviously I have things going on and I know God has brought me there for a reason... I just haven't placed it on Him to bring me through it.
So I know what I need to do. I am having a bad attitude and just hovering over these negative feelings and not doing anything about it. Its time for me to take control... or better yet, lose control. Instead of searching for the answers, I have to just give the questions and the frustrations to God. I know He has a plan for my life... and I yearn to fully commit to His WILL... not my own. I want His Will, because I know His will be much better than mine... its just a matter of resting in Him. Its apparent that I know the right answers here. So just do it. A little less talk and a lot more action.

God, I pray that I can rest in your wisdom. I know that you are more powerful than any plan I may have. I pray that your Will be clear and I respond accordingly. Strip me of my pride and change my controlling heart. I pray that I will follow you obediently and seek you in every trial throughout my life. Please lead me to see the lessons you have planned out and follow the course you have called me to live. I know that you have a plan for me, please give me the yearning to follow it. God, above all else, I pray that you bring me to a place that keeps you at the center of my life and that I continually focus on you. Lead me come back to you and see your mercy and grace every time I fail.

Always being taught...

Its funny.... once I get rid of these HUGE sins in my life, it is only more apparent that I have so many more, and that each one isn't bigger than the next but all are equal. For some reason, I rested in the thought that "If I just get rid of this and this, I will be wholly yours!". Not so much.
Last week I was reading a verse in Ephesians from my devotional.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
I wrote the verse on a page in my journal and like so many things in my life, thought, I will come back and journal about what this means to me.
Cue yesterday morning. Lawton and I decided I would devote all of Thursday to getting these commercial apps that take a TON of concentration done. God had other plans. My phone was ringing off the hook and I had problem after problem. I was so irritated by 11am, I lashed out at Lawton and was ready to cry. So I decided to go in my room (I work from home mostly), silence both my phones, lock my door, close my slider and just sit, read the Bible, pray and journal. I went to the page and journaled about Ephesians 2:8-9 and what it meant to me. My main point was that I can do anything through Christ because his spirit is inside of me, I have strength through him and he deserves the credit. (For those of you who know me... I may be considered boastful...maybe.) It was a refreshing half hour that gave me a new perspective and the ability to handle these hills with Christ's love! On Tuesday night at Crew, Chris taught us to live and work as slaves, to do the things no one else wants to do. He challenged us to question WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR??
(Stick with me... there is a point.)
Last night I went to Outback and worked by BUTT off. I didn't have many tables but I was doing sidework and running food like a mad woman. I knew the expo manager noticed me, we joked about my food running, etc. We had a post-shift little meeting before cuts were made and the manager, Steve said they wanted to point out 4 people who really went above and beyond tonight and they had a couple prizes for them. I sat there thinking, my name is totally gonna be called... I know I did more than any of these people. 1,2,3,4 names called. None were mine. I was pissed. I thought (in poutiest voice possible) "Fine, if no one is going to recognize the work I do, then I will just stop!" Finally God hit me...
Do not boast. Work as a slave. Credit the Lord for your works, not yourself. Accomplishments are a gift from God and I shouldn't expect to always reap credit and praise.
Thank you God for continuously teaching me and give me the ability to see your lessons in my life, rather than staying bitter and angry. I pray that you continue to teach me and yeild me to becoming closer and more like you.

Changes

Barack Obama was elected president of the United States of America on Tuesday, November 4th. This election was such an internal battle for me. Both candidates make lavish promises that look great on paper. Obama proposed this and McCain proposes this. What are the odds that any of it will actually get done!?! I can say as a small business owner, well Obama promises to help me, but someone else can arguably say that McCain can help small businesses also. Politics are so frustrating, its amazing I ever wanted to be in the field. Watching the results is one of the monumental experienced you will tell your children about. I went to Crew that night missing most of the coverage... but experienced a much greater lesson in working for Christ and being a slave for Him, doing things that nobody else wants to do. I sat on my couch (on my computer of course) and watched as the numbers soared and a picture of Obama came on the screen with fire-work type displays. Almost like the ball had dropped on New Year's. I felt sick to my stomach. Since I have told about 4 people who I voted for, my friends all ask me my reaction, rather than who I chose. And honestly, I said multiple times before that I thought he would win, but I was in such shock when he did. I felt ill and had so many thoughts racing through my mind. A girl I know on facebook updated her status to God is sovereign. Phew, thank you Lord for reminding me. I looked up the word sovereign and came up with this.

sov⋅er⋅eign

   /ˈsɒvrɪn, ˈsɒvərɪn, ˈsʌv-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sov-rin, sov-er-in, suhv-] Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

1.	a monarch; a king, queen, or other supreme ruler.

2.	a person who has sovereign power or authority.

3.	a group or body of persons or a state having sovereign authority.

4.	a gold coin of the United Kingdom, equal to one pound sterling: went out of circulation after 1914.

–adjective

5.	belonging to or characteristic of a sovereign or sovereignty; royal.

6.	having supreme rank, power, or authority.

7.	supreme; preeminent; indisputable: a sovereign right.

8.	greatest in degree; utmost or extreme.

9.	being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc.

10.	efficacious; potent: a sovereign remedy.

Once I read the definitions over and over and realized that regardless of whoever takes over this country, it only happened because God let it happen. God is in control, he is MY president, my King and my ruler. As long as I abide by His laws and follow His will, I know things will be just fine and I will end up inheriting the Kingdom of Christ! Praise the Lord!

I wish I could publish a short post.

For the past couple days there has been so much going on that I feel like I need to have time in order to blog... but I guess instead of being overwhelmed, I will just do a general update.

Friday was a busy day and I had to meet with the Florida Department of Financial Services concerning an old boss of mine. I am trying to put some things to rest and aid in justice... nothing truly exciting. However, it was Halloween, which was exciting. I had a party to go to and figured out my costume that morning. I decided to be Snow White, so I died a white skirt bright yellow, bought a blue sweater with puffy sleeves and wore a white (popped) collared shirt under it with a red bow, belt and heels. It ended up being creative, classy and cute! (Which was what I was going for just in case I met my husband.... just in case.) I headed over to Maria's house to go start trick-or-treating with the kids... it was so cute. Sean was the character from Scream and got to go off on his own. Kevin was in trouble and stayed behind to hand out candy and talk to my stepmother about Star Wars (hah!). Kyla was Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), Carter was a monkey with a stinkin' cute belly, and Jonah was a puppy dog. They had fun and we all did too.
I can't wait to have a family and have all the kids together, I can see it now, my Dad, Maria, Kirt, me, my husband (eeeerrr... daydream broken). Oh, husband. Right... one day...
So after being with the fam, I went to my friend Renee's house for her Pumpkin Smash Bash... which was so fun. There were a ton of people there from Crew (my church-young adult-bible study community), I met a lot of people that I've seen- but never got to know, got to meet new people (potentials Hubs'), and hang out with some of my greatest friends! It was great to go to a party and not feel like the main objective was getting wasted and hooking up.
Saturday we were at the soccer fields all day, literally from 8:45 until 1:30. Then we went out to lunch with Kirt's father and stepmother, Susan. I love them... and they are family to me. I mean, its just such a natural love and they completely accept me (most likely because I am just a shoe-in Glassford as the pseudo nanny/best aunt ever/never leave their house/pretty much like the kids' 3rd parent). Then I worked... and went home. I talked to my friend Matt, a friend from high school who I have been talking to for a couple weeks now. We always have great conversations and over the past couple weeks, he has become one of my greatest friends.
Sunday I got up and went to church and they cut service early to go to Publix and be the church by donating food for the food pantry. I went in there with a goal to spend $100. The kids kept throwing things in the cart and I just kept seeing the dollar signs flash in my eyes- I had no idea of prices or kept track of how much things were. I got a lot of things and when the check out lady was ringing them up, all I could think was, this is going to be wayyy more than I budgeted (oh well, trust in God). My total came to $100.27. I mean, really? God, you are so good and I really think you have a great sense of humor. I almost feel like He was testing me... lets see if she puts anything back (which I constantly do at the check-out line)... okay, we'll give her a good total, just a tad bit over her budget, just to make her laugh. It was a great experience to give to the community and see so many people from the church living out loud!!!!!!
The rest of Sunday was spent with my family... lunch and a tiny bit of (necessary) shopping at Target. (We are both working on denying ourselves.) Then saw my little Kyla Jean come home and surprise her mother with her ears peirced. Oh. My. This made me sad... because she is getting so big. Dear God, I pray that you protect her and her innocence. Keep her the faithful follower and spiritual little girl she is and allow me to be an example of loving Christ in her life...
The weekend was just so great. It was the perfect mix of family and friends. Unfortunately, not enough rest. Which I am feeling now and I am getting sick. Ugh. Tomorrow (today) is election day so I will be up early praying and voting! I cannot wait for all this to be behind us (even though it really won't)...

Barack Obama Rally

First of all, I understand this may cause some controversy as the majority of my fan base (ok, my 3 friends that read this) may be sort conservative. I feel like I am having to do this all too often, but I am putting a disclaimer that I am not 100% positive on who I am voting for, I am not discussing my views or opinions, I strictly would like to journal about my day in order to better remember it.

4 a.m. Wake up and I am totally pumped. I woke up easier today at 4 than I usually do at 7.

4:30 a.m. Leave my house and drive to Sarasota in the freezing cold. I believe it was in the 40's.

6 a.m. Arrive to the venue and get in line. It is pitch black dark outside and again we are freezing. My friend Della and I are stoked because it looks like there are only about 200 people in front of us (the Ed Smith Stadium holds about 10,000). In front of us and behind us were groups of young people... and young as in, can't even vote. I think it's pretty cool- that they'd want to see the rally and they don't even get a say in the matter. The kids in front of us were 2 couples, kissing and snuggling. Gag. And they kept smoking cigarettes... which is interesting considering they can't vote...? There were 2 girls behind us that were great. Della and I finally sat down since the line wasn't going to move until 9. We pretty much compared what we felt like to being a victim after the Titanic crashed, freezing and floating on a door from one of the cabins. (Dramatic much?)

7:30 a.m. My friend Leslie and her friend Judy find us and hang out with us in line. (I should have charged them for that.) The line is wrapped around the parking lot of the stadium and onto the street now... thousands of people. At one point a bus of kids drives by and kids are hanging out the window chanting, O-ba-ma, O-ba-ma. This was one of the coolest things to see while waiting outside. There are a ton of vendors walking around selling shirts, buttons and hats. I am tempted and buy a button, but don't allow myself to go overboard. I have to remind myself, I came here just to check it out- this isn't a concert or game for me to just buy merchandise. It's hard not to try to keep up with the Jones'. Every one's in their get-up (I'm just repping Florida and the greatest college on Earth) and its easy to get excited. Maria told me that if I was in the middle it was kind of unfair to go see Obama and not see McCain, because I would get pumped for one and have that in my heart... so I was trying to be totally middle ground. And the sun was coming up. Which was a blessing in its own... beautiful sunrise, which I haven't seen (or I should say looked at) in a very long time. However, it seemed to have gotten colder and a breeze picked up. So we were miserable.

9 a.m. The doors are finally being opened and we are all being shuffled toward the security areas, scanned and searched. We are walking into the stadium (okay, half-running) and we realize we will be on the floor (or field, rather) and get a spot in front of the podium like 4 people from the front. We take turns sitting and standing and reading trashy magazines (which is a huge treat since I gave up Perez Hilton last year...) and whining.

10:20 a.m. Obama's plane flies by the stadium and is headed to the airport. Everyone cheers. I look around and the entire stadium is packed. The stadium seating and what I can see on the field.

11 a.m. Various people come on stage. A pastor prays, a group sings, a girl says the Pledge of Allegiance and then a couple others speak. Nelson comes on and everyone is getting a little pushier and pushier. I now see that there are like 6 people in front of me from the railing now... space is getting tighter and I thank God I am not claustrophobic. Nelson introduces Obama and Obama and several secret service agents (hello, sexyyy, but I checked for rings, mostly married, story of my life) come running out from a tent waayyy behind the podium and music plays (this FMHS football team running from the locker room onto the field. I know horrible imagery). Obama comes to the podium and is waving and smiling and its crazy. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. i mean, when people were having microphone problems, I was close enough to still hear their voice. Can I emphasize that? I saw Obama's crows feet when he smiled and his eyes got all squinty.

Obama talks about a lot of the issues. At one point he brings up McCain's policies and the crowd starts boo-ing. Obama put his hand up in order to stop or calm the crowd and says, you don't have to boo, you just have to vote. This was probably one of my favorite parts.
Obama addresses the socialistic accusations and says something to the effect of, I shared my toys when I was in kindergarten... I split my peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a friend in 6th grade. Now I am a communist? A socialist?
Obama seemed very relaxed, very calm and sure of himself and his respresentations. As much as I was trying to just go there and remain middle ground, he definitely pumped me up for change. He talked about a lot of issues that directly affect me, rather than issues I may support. (Does that make sense?)
We headed out of the stadium around noon. It was such a great experience... something spontaneous that I will look back on and never forget. Now its time for me to figure out where the issues I feel passionately about weigh out in my heart. I know what I believe and what is right... but I have to figure out the presidence of each of those issues...

On a much, much lighter note. We had a soccer game tonight and we played a pretty physical team and we only had one guy sub and one girl sub. Aaaand, albeit exhausted, I still was able to score a goal. Not just a lucky shoot and score, but a beautiful cross from my cocky British mate and I left-footed the ball right into the net. The goalie didn't even see what was coming. (Speaking of cocky...) We won the game 3-0. Great way to end my day. Now its time to snuggle up and rest... I get to meet with the bureau of investigations for the Florida Department of Financial Services (no big, they just hold my licensing and business in their hands) in the morning. I'll be sure to write about that soon.

To my niece and nephews...

Although I am not your mother, I love you all as if you are my own... and in some capacity it scares me half to death to have my own children if I love you all so much! You are each so special and dear to my heart... and doing amazing things right now. I don't ever want to forget how much you all mean to me and how much I mean to you (this could be fading slowly...) right now.

This is a photo of us in Iowa... not the greatest but me with all of you nonetheless. This is a hard thing to accomplish, but 2/5 smiling, and 4/5 looking at the camera- I'm pretty happy about it.

Sean- You're getting older and establishing quite the 'tude. You are such a sweet and kind boy, its hard for me to see how your personality is starting to change into that of a teenager. I am coaching your U-12 soccer team (with Mom) and it is so hard to separate my aunt and coach roles. I want to scoop you up into my arms like a baby and other times I just want to scream my head off at you. Right now you walk and/or ride your bike to middle school. My house is between your house and your school and you stop over about 3 times a week after school. It makes me feel so great that you will leave your buddies (or sometimes bring them with you, which can be kind of awkward) and come see your Aunt LeLe. Sometimes we try to play card games or just talk but since your mother never stops calling me, she usually makes you come home sooner than I would like. I really enjoy this time we get to spend together.
Kevin- Today was your 10th birthday. You have been in *mmhmm* a bit of trouble lately for some selfish decisions so you were unable to accept gifts this year. You didn't have school so I told you I would bring you anything in the WORLD that you wanted for lunch. You chose either Chinese or Pizza. Since Mom and I are trying to eat a little better- we decided Chinese food would be the way to go. When I got over to your house today you were glowing and so excited... (I am trying not to take for granted that I work from home and have the flexibility to do these things for you). When we were plating up the food you asked me, "LeLe, what if I told you I wanted food from Japan?!", I replied that I would have found a Japanese takeout place for ya! You thought that was clever. Your Gammy Susan and Grandpa Fred gave you $50 for your birthday and since you have to donate all your gifts (see selfish decisions above), you were excited to tell me you were going to buy things for the children for Christmas at Grandma's (Michele, my mom) school. I know you have a giving heart... I just hope we can see more of that in the next 10 years of your life!
Sean & Kevin- I drove you home from soccer today with Mom and we turned on 105.5 and jammed out to Akon's 'Dangerous'... Mom and I were dancing really silly and you two laughed at us. When we got in your driveway we decided to turn up the music and have a dance party with my car doors open. Well, you two jetted and were so embarrassed. Someday you'll realize how cool we are. (Not to mention our fabulous dance skills.)
Kyla- Mom and I are coaching your U6 soccer team right now. Somehow or another I have missed both your goals so far in the season. Tonight you were throwing a fit about the way your cleats were tied before the game and I swear I spent 15 minutes tightening and loosening them so they would be just the way you wanted. You are so smart and aware- you know I have never seen you score a goal. So tonight you had a breakaway in your game, dribbled the ball up the field and scored. I was sooo excited for you and even more excited when you turned from scoring and ran right over to me, jumped in my arms and gave me a hug! Its moments like this that make me remember why I can not move more than 10 minutes away from you guys. Last night you asked me to move into your house and stay there forever. I told you to ask Dad and he said he would have to build a separate wing for me... you weren't satisfied because you wanted me in your house. For now, the 1 street between us will have to do. I love reading and playing with you. I got you this Hannah Montana hair set for your birthday that has a pink 'dye' stick and purple glittery gel... and we love to play with this together. Mom and Dad hate it. But we think it is super cool to put gel in our hair and give ourselves matching pink highlights. We are totally rockstars.
Carter- You are my little man. You have a spirit that everyone recognizes is special. I know you have an old soul... you act like you are about 12 years old and just ramble on and on with facial expressions and hand gestures. Right now you are calling me WeeLe. Which is fine because everything you say cracks me up. Apparently you are just like me (not just the funny and charming parts) because you will go up to anyone and just talk and talk and talk. Sometimes it can be embarrassing but we all let you do your thing. Its been pretty amazing watching you get older and your personality develop, I wasn't there as much for Kyla when she was your age so its incredible to see how you young you were when you started recognizing me. You and I can laugh and laugh for such a long time... the other night after your bath I was supposed to me putting your pajamas on but we just kept tickling each other and laughing hysterically. You think its great to tickle me and its so funny when I crack up. Then Mommy got mad at us for fooling around too much so I put Kyla's princess pajamas on you and pranced around showing them off. It cracked us all up!!!! Then you had to go to bed you said "Goodnight WeeLe," gave me a hug and a kiss and told me you loved me. You are such a special, special boy.
Jonah- Oh, my JoJo, where has the time gone. First off, whatever Mom tells you I brought to the hospital when you were born is probably a lie. Just want to clarify. I remember the night Mom asked me to stay in the hospital with you and her while Daddy was at home with the other kids, I was so proud... but a little nervous. I jumped out of bed everytime I heard you make a noise... (again, if Mom tells you any other stories about me sleeping right through your cries, they are not true) I was so excited to be there for you. And now you are walking around, imitating noises and sometimes you hit me and laugh about it. For awhile there I thought you hated me, (probably because you know what I brought to the hospital the day you were born) but you have started recognizing me pretty fast now. I have been trying to spoil you as much as possible and really win you over, so I think its paying off. Someday you will run into my arms yelling 'LeLe', its just a matter of time. And I just cannot wait for that day.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store for each and every one of you. God has blessed you with some amazing parents who are teaching you to love Jesus, love each other and to be the best people you can be. I know its not always fun because they can be pretty strict, but I promise you it will be worth it when you are my age and you will be eternally thankful. I never want to lose sight of your preciousness and how much I care about you guys. I talk to your Mom and wonder at what capacity I will be able to love my own children because I didn't know my heart could love and care for someone(s) so much. I know someday I will be a better mother to my children because of what I have been so lucky enough to experience with all of you. I love you all so much and hope that even when you can't talk to your Mom and Dad and they aren't "cool" anymore, you can talk to me and trust in me. I will always be there for you... nothing will ever stand in the way of that... I promise you.

So Emotional.

This may sound silly but I used to be a CRYBABY. I had friends who would laugh at me (Libby) when I would cry in movie. Any slight bit of sadness and bam! cut to me sobbing. Well, after breaking out of a 3 year relationship (in which I cried a lot, during and after) and getting over it all, I felt like I lost my emotional side. Things no longer brought tears to my eyes... little things I was able to enjoy and experience no longer affected me. Looking back now, I realize that I made myself numb to my emotions because the break up hurt soo bad (not to mention him knocking up a girl and having a baby within a year...but I am forgiving him for that, obviously). I could make it through the Notebook without even a slight eye-water. And I would yearn for it... like I would want to experience those emotions so badly.
I don't know when it happened, apparently gradually, as God usually works in my life, but I got my emotions back! I broke down yesterday in church, I cried while reading "Love You Forever" to Kyla last night (yes, she did make fun of me), and cried while reading my sisters post about her birthday (I'll get to that). [Oh and I cried after soccer Saturday... haha, just kidding... kinda.] I haven't completely written about it but God has changed my heart in so many areas of my life that I am sure my emotions are going along with it. I am totally ready to be exposed and experience every aspect of my walk with Christ! Oh, how I love the fire that follows brokenness!
I pray God, that you will continue to allow me to see your evidence in my life as it is so apparent right now. I don't ever want to lose that. I pray that you continue to change my heart and mold me into the woman you want me to be. I pray that you allow my heart to forgive and be joyous and loving. I pray that I can live out YOUR name and be an example of YOUR love... and thank you for all you are doing in my life!

Saved by grace, Godly Sorrow and the One who paid my debt.

"What does saved by grace mean to you?" is a question I wrote on my bathroom mirror after a devotional I read one day. I wrote it to continue reminding myself that, albeit not deservedly, I am forgiven and saved because Jesus died on the cross for me.
One of my best friends, Amanda (we've been through thick and thin, highs and LOWS and offered a lot to our relationship throughout it all), visited me last night and we spent the evening drink coffee and chatting. It's so great to have a friend that I can have come over while I am in my pajamas, with a messy room and no makeup and not even think about having to entertain her. We just sat on the couch and reveled in our past, laughed about the future and distributed a lot of advice. She is one person that I know will be honest with me and truly listen to me when I speak. So, this morning we were getting ready (me for church and her to visit her family) in my bathroom and she asks me, "What does saved my grace mean to you?" Now, I have seen this on my mirror for months... I understand what it means to me, but have never thought of a sentence necessarily to describe its meaning. I said the first thing that came to me, which was, "It means that I can forgive myself because Jesus has forgiven me." I was pretty proud of my answer but thought, do I really mean that? Or further, do I really feel that? (If you know me at all, that could be a bit humorous.) Interesting thought for me to ponder, but we moved on.
My sister had told me there would be a speaker at church who was an evangelist and author, Jeremy Kingsley. This made me pretty excited but I had really hoped to have led someone to come with me this week. I have been trying for months to get my business partner, Lawton to come and I invited Amanda, she politely declined. (I so badly want the opportunity to lead someone to the Lord!) Jeremy Kingsley, the Evangelist, comes on stage and starts telling us about himself and a story of him on an airplane. He is talking about witnessing, and says something along the lines of, don't pray for a situation to arise, but see the opportunities that are already there. This is something that stuck out to me and I could only think about what Amanda had asked about the question on my mirror.

Jeremy then continues to talk about salvation, Moses and the Israelites, and as I heard it just how easy it is to be saved. So like the Israelites just had to look at this bronzed snake to be saved, I just have to ask God for forgiveness. I need Godly sorrow, not wordly sorrow. Jeremy also said we need to be sorry that our sin hurts Jesus. For some reason or another, this breaks me. Why haven't I thought about this before?! I apologize to people when I hurt them. I am sorry when I hurt other people. But when I sin, it usually hurts me... and I continue to allow it to hurt me... which in turn hurts Jesus. HELLO!?! I am quick to forgive so many others aside from myself. I hold on to things and guilt myself for years and years. Finally this morning, I have realized that I cannot save or teach myself a lesson by feeling guilty about my sin. I have to give it to God, repent and be cleansed. Being broken over hurting Jesus is so powerful... it made me realize how much I really love him- That knowing I hurt or dissapointed him, BROKE MY HEART.
I love when God brings me to a broken place. Although I know it would be exhausting to constantly be broken, sometimes I wish I were. I learn so much in my times of brokenness and I've truly felt the freedom of forgiveness.
And, since God knows that I am stubborn, he drove the bit home a little further when my mother called right after church. (She still goes to a Catholic church as we were raised.) She says to me, "I was thinking about you today in church was the preist was telling us that we have to forgive ourselves in order to be forgive by Christ, and I know how you just hold on to things..."
Got it God. For grace is enough, I can repent to you, you will forgive me and I can FINALLY forgive myself!
Oh praise the One who paid my debt, And raised this life up from the dead.

Narrative Reading

I've been reading the Shopaholic series lately (Confessions of a Shopaholic, Shopaholic takes Manhattan, etc)... and I don't read narrative books all that often, but when I do, I become the author of my own life. I know that maybe sounds weird... but I will say something and then think in my head 'she said exasperatedly'. And the only place I have to put it all down is on my blog. Sooo that gets kind of addicting.
And I like to read other peoples blogs, but I get angry when they don't write every day.
Even when I don't know them. No, especially when I don't know them. Blogging takes stalking to a new level, beyond facebook and myspace where I only stalk the people I know. I really should be working.
I should do a study on how much more effective I could be without facebook, myspace and blogger.
Last night I was talking to Amanda and I was trying to get off the phone to get some things done (it was like 5:30). The conversation went like this,
Me: "Okay, I'm sorry, but I have to get going"
Amanda: "Whyyyy I'm all alone in a house with no one to talk to but a dog"
Me: "I have to, I have to go mow the lawn before soccer practice."
Pause
Amanda: "WHO ARE YOU?!" She exclaims. (hah)
I know, back to reality, one weekend I am fabulously walking down the cobblestone streets of Orlando and by Wednesday I am lawn-mowing, soccer coaching and church-group-attending. Amanda then proceeded to make fun of my life.
Which she is obviously so jealous of. (Obviously.)
Lawton is coaching basketball at Fort Myers High School. He asked me repeatedly if he could do it but I didn't give him an answer until the day before. I mean, the man could get hurt. Or take time out of business for it. He asked me like a little boy askin' his mama. It was entertaining to string him along with the, I'm not so sure this is a good idea, line. He told me that he thought God was calling him to do it.
Which I ignorantly responded with, you dont even know Him.
I know, bad move. But I let him do it in the end... and yesterday while he was at practice I may have messed something up a bit on one of his accounts and we got into a full-blown-yelling match and all I wanted to say was, "Well if you didn't have practice or were available for phone calls, this wouldn't have happened," but I didnt (yay for being mature!) and later when we re-hashed, he apologized and admitted it was all his fault. (Good boy, Lawton, good boy.)
Sometimes I feel like being a woman is so easy.
And then God will shoot me a lil' something as a reality check. "Got it, thanks Dad."
I have to go get uber-prepared for my 3:00. Pretty much the biggest account I will have the opportunity to quote... and my nail polish is chipped from pulling weeds yesterday.

A lot on my mind.

1. Do I make things harder than they need to be?
I am well aware of the fact that I am over-analytical... maybe a bit anxious... always stressed...and extremely indecisive. Part of me likes those qualities, part of me hates them, but all of me blames them on my Mother. Every decision I make is a production. I gather the options... and place them in front of every one of my best friends (obvi including my sister and dad as they are two of them) and look for their advice and then make a decision from the collective opinions.
[Note: I should really try making some decisions (aside from the self-destructive ones-I'm good flyin' solo on those) on my own] However, there is no point in starting now... it's not the first yet*.
I am trying to decide what I want to do when my lease is up on December 1st... I have listed the following options. I appreciate every one's input (so basically, you, Maria).
a. Get a 2 bedroom apartment in FM (like Daniels/Colonial-ish), one for me and the other for my office. I have seen some for as low at $600/mo. (eat your heart out Hallie, Ilana, Libby, Amanda, Casey, and Britt). I rarely ever go into the office anymore, so I need a designated office space because my ADD-ass cannot work near a bed, TV, window, refrigerator, etc., and do it productively. I need a feng-shui space that I can close myself in and put up inspiration pictures of mountains that tell me to climb to the top. (Its motivating I tell you.) This obviously will increase my expenses since I only pay $550 now and split utilities and Internet between 2 others. But it'd be nice to have my own space and live closer to the office.**
b. Move in with my dear friend Ashby. She is one of my beautiful church friends, and she and her sister live in Sail Harbor. I would have a much smaller bedroom, but still maintain my own bathroom. I would pay a flat fee of $450/mo and the condo she lives in is beautiful... kinda of like the one I lived in in Bella Terra (the townhouse before the house I am in now). Obviously this is the cheapest of options.
c. Stay where I am. I am obviously not the most happy here as I say very few words to my roommates a day... and it makes it harder that they are sisters. And I snagger and bitch to myself when they leave their crap around and dirty dishes in the sink (dishwasher people!!!!!!!!! HELLO?!) and blah blah (I know I am not perfect and I am sure they think the same if I leave my office stuff around). But I am a road away from my sister (and more importantly my niece and nephews...jk...kinda) and 2 roads from my dad (and his gym and pool), and right next to the interstate, shopping, movies, bars, etc. And I pay $550 and a split the utilities 3 ways. I defo don't have isolated space for my office... I pretty much set up shop on a small desk AND my foyer table... which looks tacky if I don't clean it off every day.
c.ii. There is another opportunity (kind of-?)... this guy Mike that Libby knows is moving to work in North Naples and is interested (I think) in a roommate. I think it may be cool and totally non-petty to live with a guy. And he is interested in the Estero area (maybe Three Oaks) and I was thinking maybe we could get a three bedroom and he could have the master and I could have the other two, one for me and the other as my office... but who knows if he is even interested at this point.
**And what's really the point of moving into central Fort Myers when I never go to the office anyway. I mostly just market now and go to meetings... this way I would be centrally located between all of Southwest Florida.

Thoughts?! Who knows... I know I have time... and in true Alicia fashion I am sure I will stress about it until about November 30th. I want to save money but I also have to think like its investing money into my office space as well. Share your wisdom....

2. Because this is so long I am just going to rant about 2 things... and make this one short. October 1st* is tomorrow (or today technically) and as usual, I am starting the month with new goals (think New Years Resolution-every month) So here's list... I will elaborate on them more later (obviously only if I succeed) and keep you posted on the progress.
- Exercise and eat better. I mean, I eat well... with exception of binge drinking, 2am gorging and the 30th/31st "Last Hurrah" meals. I just need to work out. 11 days (? I've heard 7, 11, 14, and 21, so I'll just psycho-Semitic myself into believing 11) creates a habit... so I need to just do it and get in shape so I can kick-ass on my co-ed soccer team.
- Network more. Join 2 chambers this month and attend at least 2 events. Talk to or market to at least 20 prospects per week. And tell all new people about the biz. And remember to always keep my business cards on me. Always.
-Work 40 hours a week at AIA. (it gets hard when you work 5 ft from your bed/couch/tv)
-Spend less money. Go out less. Save the $4 and make my own coffee (which I have gotten pretty darn good at with exception of once or twice a week).
-Focus more on continuing education... update myself on current insurance news, changes in the market and read more about commercial insurance.
-Read the bible more.
-Make and maintain friendships with men (aside from Lawton). Sometimes I tend to look at men as... well... not friends. Not that I don't like them... its either I'd be interested in them or don't really care to get to know them more or make a challenge out of making them LOVE me. (And I am not even allowing myself to date right now so if anyone else would like to analyze that badboy for me that'd be great.)
Okay... that's all I have for now. As always, your advice and comments are much appreciated... especially the ones that will aide in figuring out my biggest struggles [of the hour].

Oh, and I guess I should add to that to make my own decisions. right.