OC(P)D

Wikipedia (which totally should have been on my top 10 list) has about a three paragraph definition of OCD... so I just picked and chose which parts are applicable to me.
Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by involuntary intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.

And after reading that... add depression to my list of ailments.

Luckily after further examination, I have come to realize that this is more 'me':

Obsessive–Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder which involves an obsession with perfection, rules, and organization. A person with OCPD may feel anxious when they perceive that things are not "right." This can lead to routines and "rules" for ways of doing things, whether for themselves or their families.

I think it is perfectly normal to have things organized. However, the extent of my organization is sometimes crazy.

Amanda came in town yesterday purely to go shopping within my clothes for a weekend in Atlanta. I was excited for this stint of AAA time. However, as she was rummaging through my closet, trying on my shoes and experimenting with my jewelery... I was left... stressed an anxious. Here are a couple of situations that drove me up the wall...

-Apparently not everyone hangs up their clothes all facing in the same direction (why? I don't know.)... so as I went through my closet today finding backwards shirts... I was increasingly irritated.
-I color code my shoes... and face them toward me, so I see the front of them when standing, facing my closet. I also have 2 closets, one with 'Shoes frequently worn' and the other with 'Shoes only worn for special occasions'. Lets just say my killer red slingbacks do not belong next to my Jessica Simpson everyday black pumps.
-I fold my shirts a certain way, like a retail worker with a board. Do not fold the shirt in half, or down the middle.... do not pass go, do not collect $200.
-I separate my pajama pants and boxers. They do not mix, they are pants and shorts. Its easy.
- They came over after I went to church and ate food, emptied pitchers and left things out...
-(Disregarding the closet issues) She was pouring a glass of water and was putting it in a red wine glass. I stopped her and told her there were clean glasses in the dishwasher. She poured water in a stemless white wine glass instead. Le Sigh.
-Amanda slept on the couch... where I was folding laundry previously. When we woke up I asked her which couch she slept on and she immediately responded, "Big couch, folded clothes transferred to the ottoman and socks are on the floor. I will put it all back where it was."

I am left a little more frustrated with myself rather than with them. I replayed all these events in my head and have come to the conclusion that I am crazy. Like if she doesn't want to drink out of a water glass and a wine glass instead- who cares?! Is it hurting me? It was blatantly obvious to them as well, like Amanda was done drinking out of a coffee cup this morning and asked where she should put and and apologized for leaving a spoon out. I don't want my friends to feel uncomfortable when they are here... and I probably missed out on a better time because I was too busy stressing out over something left in my sink or on my counter top.
All these things kind of remind me of when I would stay with my Grandma Louise. She was so particular about how anything was in her home... to the extent of, when the grandchildren were in town, we had to stay in the basement (which was finished... just not filled with grand pianos or antique furnishings) rather then upstairs with everyone else. I don't want to be like this as a host or eventually as a wife and mother... How do I break my insane routine?

It's that time...

You are so lucky if you are reading today. Yes, its that time again. (I actually can't remember if I have ever done this but cheers to a new tradition.) Drum roll please.

It's time for the... Ten Favorite Things list.

This is where I blog about some things in my life that I am really, really enjoying. (Hold for applause) (if you can think of a better title, please let me know)

1. Lysol All Purpose Cleaner with Bleach! (call me a nerd)
Seriously, I spray this stuff everywhere. It unsticks anything, removes juice stains on counter tops. Its amazing and I use it constantly. Don't judge me.

2. The book of James.
This book won't stay away from me. But I have learned, rather than fight it, just dig deeper. Although it is only 5 chapters, it is so much information and its kicking my butt. I am really excited to finish thoroughly dissecting each and every verse...

3. My friends.
Since two of my bf's are moving away from me in the next month, I have really been focusing on how much each of my friends mean to me. Albeit, I have had to defend myself a time or two about the amount of bf's I have, I would stand up for each and every one of them.

4. Photography
I did a photo shoot with Renee and Chris yesterday and it was a ton of fun! I really enjoyed working with them and I cannot wait until the wedding on Friday! Check out the photos!

5. Living Alone
I wish I could express in words how much I love, love, love, love, love living alone. I love my adorable apartment and the 'mine' I have made it in. I love that my girlfriends just stop over and hang out whenever they want. I love being a host and I actually love to clean...


6. Sleepovers
Sleepovers are like the ultimate girl time. Ultimate. I have had the privilege of having multiple sleepovers lately and I love the time I get to spend with my girlfriends... or lying in bed and just aimlessly talking until someone falls asleep. [Hopefully] I will not be single forever, so I better have my girls sleepover while I can!
(I'm not afraid of sounding like a weirdo here... sleepovers are fun.)

7. Being a bridesmaid
Tiff is planning for her wedding and I love to help her. I am lucky to be a her bridesmaid and her only local bridesmaid-which means I have a lot of responsibility. I am enjoying looking at venues, flowers, dresses, guest lists, the whole bit! Not to mention having a better excuse of getting together!

8. Soccer
I was playing about twice a week before our season just ended. Our summer season starts the end of May and I am looking forward to our team. Sunday soccer still ensues and is something I take a lot less seriously.

9. New Traditions
I have been hanging out with a friend of mine that I have known my entire life but we have never really been close. Until now. We share in a lot of the same activities and are really growing our friendship. We attend many of our nightly activities together and are in the process of forming new, fun traditions. Like sleepovers, dairy queen, DBN and chick-fil-a (the constant food theme may or may not be the strength of our friendship).

10. Yankee Candles
I love good smelling things, which we all do, right? But lately I have been obsessed with lighting my candles (holding a special place in my heart for my long lasting, great smelling Yankees). My favorite scent right now is Vanilla Lime, its a great citrus summery scent and it matched the green in my guest bathroom perfectly!

I want to do something amazing.

I just don't know what it is supposed to be, yet.

I used to want to do something amazing, be known for something amazing, die for something amazing... purely for my own glorification. Now, I want to do something amazing to honor and glory God.

I have so many passions. I have so many goals, so many dreams... and yet so many fears.

Where will you put me God? Where will you call me? Where will you use me?

I love children, my friends, my family, learning about God, having a business, working, writing, playing soccer, photography, meeting new people, taking a stand...

I trust that God is good and that he has a plan. I trust that he will unfold it at the exact right time... until then I will wait. I will enjoy the passions in my life... and wait. Wait for his word, wait for his command.

Trusting, Loving, Beautiful, Anxious anticipation...

A reading from the book of Alicia.

I was going through my journal today and came across some very interesting excerpts.

An entry from 12-30-2007 (My journal is blue with the word Believe on it- ironically I was not walking with God when I began...)

---So I recently moved and found this journal. Ironic because I'd say one of my biggest weaknesses is believing, trusting and just plain faith. For some reason I can believe/trust someone I hardly know, but someone close to me and even with myself- it gets a little more complicated.
I have lots of dreams. I dream of my career, husband, wedding, children- just my future. I've been titled high maintenance once or twice (OR A LOT) and I've realized that I am this way for myself. I am high maintenance because I deserve the best. Because I believe my Dad, Mom and sister when they tell me I can do anything I want. So I expect to. And fully intend to. Its time to take control over everything in my life- not just the easy parts.
A new year is upon us and as usual I have a ton of plans/goals/dreams. More than anything, I want to have it all together.---

Little did I know how my world would be rocked in 2008. Phew! What a year it was! My attitude is so funny...so much my past... so in control... so confident. I was ready to hold the world in my hands. Luckily, the Lord broke me... and I am so thankful for that.

Here is an entry from 11-24-2008

---Dear God,
Today they are speaking of shattered dreams in my devotional. I am so thankful that it is so hard for me to come up 2 or 3. Mike may have broke my heart, but I honestly don't know if I would have ever come back to you, had our relationship ensued. My parents divorced when I was 6, I can't truly say that broke my heart. My grandma Louise and great grandma Mackey passed away buy they were in pain and ill, so I know it was better off. I have experienced a lot of trials, but I would never think that i have had impeccable sufferings. My blood disease psoriasis has been extremely...bothersome- but I am alive and able to live a normal life. My family and friends are heatlhy and there for me. And the only really bad things in my life right now, I am slowly getting rid of. I am leaving the house with Brooke and Brittanee; Outback is scheduling me less and I am still surviving. I have an office and great roommates. Lord, thank you for not shattering me and allowing me to see the good in my past situations. Thank you for answering my prayers- either the way I preferred or not. Thank you for constantly changing my heart, teaching me and being so evident in my life. You are so good to me. Help me to be a better witness to your name, to be a better friend and family member and partner. Keep teaching me and reminding me that I am a work in progress. Thank you for your will and having a far better plan than I could ever imagine- let me live it!---

I love looking back and seeing how God has answered my prayers, matured my faith, deepened my knowledge and strengthened my relationship with Him. I am definitely a work in progress...

A relational God.

I try to explain to my non-believing friends about how God speaks to me. I am sure it doesn't always come out clear and/or makes me look crazy. However, I have become totally content with the crazy card. I find refuge in these little sufferings for the Lord.

Here is another attempt at explaining a way that God spoke to me today:

A friend of mine / partner-if you will, recently called me out on a subject I was unaware she still had issues on. She did this not so tactfully and in front of other people. Other people that we are to lead, disciple and facilitate to... Obviously I was offended but wasn't going to make a fuss about it at that moment. I thought about mentioning something to her the next day and it kind of left my mind. After another week, she confronts my sincerity in an invite I had extended to her. [Because I am uber-sensitive] I am offended, but begin to search my heart. I realize that my pent up anger / hurt feelings must have been conveyed within my invitation.

Then, I do what I do best when a problem arises. I ask Renee for advice. But I kind of told her not to answer me... and that I really need to pray about it. Do I confront her and bring it all up again- mind you it was a minute comment she made and is probably very unaware of it- or do I just let it go- with hopes that it doesn't come back up again? I journaled about it last night and prayed for humility, a softened heart and the words to speak if that was His will.
This morning I got up and had my favorite time of the day- coffee and quiet time. I was reading in James (can't get outta this book!) 2 and it referenced a verse in Leviticus (19:18). So I start reading along in Leviticus, and suddenly, 19:17 jumps out at me:

"Do not hate your brother [/sister] in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt."

(And seriously, who reads Leviticus??)

Now, I understand this may not be as clear for everyone else as I read this, but when God speaks to you through scripture, something about those words just jump out at you... you recognize them, they convict you- tug at your heart, and they give you peace. I read this and my instruction was clear. I would like to clarify that I do not hate this sister of mine... but I do know that anger can grow within me and turn into hate. The truth is, she did something wrong- it hurt me, and I never even gave her the opportunity to make it right. God has made it clear to me what I should do and I will obey immediately.

Dear Lord, thank you for speaking to me this morning and answering my prayers so expediently. I continue to pray for humility as I speak to her. I pray that you would soften my heart as to not attack her, but to rebuke her and above all else to speak to her out of love. I am so thankful for your direction and I pray that you lead me and bless me throughout my day, allow me to be an example of your love and to glorify you in all that I do.

James. Chapter One.

The book of James is all around me right now. Every facet in my life... I cannot run from it! This week it was in two Crew's and we've been going through it at Summit. During my quiet time today I was praying about it and praying the God would show me exactly what He wanted me to see in it. So I started going through it myself (since I've really only gone through it in small groups or at church), and there is so much there! Not to mention I have underlined words and notes scribbled everywhere. (I almost need to read it through a different bible just so I can go in with a clear head.) It is really overwhelming all the great things in James.
I started at the beginning, and there are a couple verses that really stand out to me- and of course I added my opinions and notes...

-because you know the testing of your faith brings perseverance. (v.3)
I have come from a place where defending my relationship with the Lord was frustrating to a place where I find joy in explaining myself and speaking about Christ. I know this first hand... through trial and test, I have come out much stronger. I can now laugh at persecution and smile when people make fun of me for being a 'little church girl who follows all the rules.'
-he who doubts is like a wave of sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (v.6b)
I meditated on this verse for awhile. I definitely do not want to be a wave, unstable and tossed by the wind. I want people to see Christ's strength in me- to see that I stand on the Rock of Jesus... this is not something I have attained... but moving closer and closer every day.
-God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone (v.13b)
Its funny, because I know I have gotten this mixed up before. Discerning between the accuser's temptation and the Lord's testing is something that I am always learning.
-Then, after {evil} desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (v.15)
-The evolution of death... ironic I know. Where does desire come from? What is the source of your desire?
-Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (v.17)
Mmm, stability... something I long for. It is great reinforcement that every good and perfect gift is from above... I did nothing to deserve it.
-Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to be angry. (v.19)
I have plenty to say about this one... but not a lot of action. Let's just say I need to blow this up into poster size and put it every wall in my house. Or perhaps tattoo it on my face... or I just need to see it frequently.
-Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. (v.21)
I love this. This is like the theme verse for my life. I can see myself just peeling off the moral filth... and living in the word that I have inside my heart- which will save me- which has saved me. There have been many times where I could have fallen, but because I have the word in my heart (and the Holy Spirit of course) I am able to make the decision to not fall, not stray and to stand firm.
-Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. DO WHAT IT SAYS. (v.22)
I take this more like when God is speaking to you, either through the Holy Spirit or through the word. If I could do something over again, it would be to be obedient to God's instructions. One particular instance in my life where I was partially obedient (and very late as a matter of fact) haunts me. I should have talked to her more about it. I should have been stronger in my confrontation. I should have sought a higher counsel. I should have talked to her sooner. What I have learned is that when God speaks to you, do it now and do it completely. Do what it says. Seriously, just do. what. it. says.
-Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (v.27)
Does God accept my 'religion'? Is the religion I live out pure and faultless? Am I involved in religion or a relationship? Easily mistaken... but visible in your heart.

... and that's just the first chapter! That is like the cliffnotes version. (Not going to lie here, but I am thankful the book of James is only 5 chapters.)