Monday, March 31, 2008

Chaos

I have come to the determination that I love chaos. Now, I know most of you are thinking, well duh, Alicia, we have always known this, why have you not? For years I have just said I like to be busy. I like to work multiple jobs, coach soccer, see my family and spend time with my friends… plan it all, do it all, and live it all. I think my love for chaos is directly related to my problem with procrastination. For example, I cannot get something done right now because later, if I have nothing to do, then I will really have nothing to do. (My ADD is in full affect as I write this blog, so please; try to stay with me here.) If it is Saturday and I have nothing going on (and by nothing going on, I mean no meetings, soccer games, lunches or punctual plans), I think to myself, I can clean my room, do laundry, vacuum, etc. So I go to the living room and find a movie on TV. (I am dissecting my mind here, I am never aware of literally thinking like this.) Because if I don’t watch this movie, and I clean my room, do my laundry, clean the house and later… maybe Sunday, if I have nothing going on, there may not be anything on TV, my ‘chores’ will be caught up, and I will really have nothing to do. And Lord knows my ADD butt cannot have ‘nothing’ to do (being a grammar freak this sentence makes me cringe). So I think that is why I put things off and put things off. Not to mention create more and more tasks for myself. I find no peace in the word simplify (ironic because I never find peace- see I can’t even find peace with peace). Maybe this is why I like yoga… or sleep so much, because it involves peace. Which is interesting because I have begun (and by begun I mean that I am halfway through) reading Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love this book so far. I cannot tell you the countless self-help books, or work tool books I have begun reading and stopped because I get distracted or bored. This is a story, an escape, of this woman’s life and yet I am taking so much from it, reading it as a self-help, or as I’d prefer, a self-discovery book. I am truly digesting her experience and learning the things she writes about. I am digesting and learning so much that I broke out the highlighter and have begun highlighting important points, things relatable to me and my life. And I relate, oh, how I relate to this woman. Currently, I am in India with Liz (metaphorically, not literally), at a Yogic ‘University’, where we study mostly meditation for now. Meditation is something I never understood. Yoga was never something I understood. I play soccer. I run miles. I cannot sit on a mat, stretch, chant and meditate. Ignorant, stubborn me, oh how God works (which is a-whole-nother blog we will get to one day). I was instructed to do yoga by my dermatologist because he said I needed to relax. I need to relax because my psoriasis is stress related. Obviously, with chaos and busy-ness in your life, stress is a prevalent aspect; and one in which I have come to love. So you see, if my life is chaotic, I am stressed, and if I am stressed, then I have psoriasis flares, and if I have flares, then I have worry, and if I busy being worried, then I have chaos. Vicious circles. My life. Back to the doctor. When he ‘prescribed’ yoga to me I laughed. Literally. And neglected his order. I did phototherapy, took pills that required blood work weekly and eventually resorted to injections. Nothing has cured me, most have helped momentarily, but none of these powerful attempts have cured me or cleared my skin completely. And I am not here to pose witness that my psoriasis was healed from yoga. But all the while, I started doing yoga about 2 months ago (approximately 2 years after my doctor suggested I try it). It was such a peaceful experience. Something so unlike the rest of my life. It was a retreat from my busy, chaotic life, and as hard as it may have been, truly allowed me to relax. The sessions are usually concluded with meditation. Again, something that I never understood. This is probably because it is difficult for me, and to be frank, things that are difficult to me, I do not understand and therefore do not attempt. But I lay, relaxed, focused, meditating, and I fall asleep… and this sleep which may sound so simple, is really the essence of the meditation. Because I am not actually sleeping, I am in a meditative state, which I call sleep because I do not know any better. The greatest part of my ‘nap’ is when they ring this bell, which is more like a xylophone, and it gives this high pitch ding, that if in this state, literally electrifies throughout your body. You feel it in every vertebrae of your neck and spine, through your legs and down to your toes. It is a pretty incredible experience. Especially for me, the skeptic. Which is good because if I felt nothing, I probably wouldn’t have gone back. Now, back to the point, I am relating to this writer and her ‘monkey-mind’ as she meditates. I have a serious case of his ‘monkey-mind’, especially when I try to focus on yoga or meditating, where my mind jumps from limb to limb and doesn’t stop. My ex-boyfriend, Mike, and I used to be having a conversation about something, we’d be silent for say, 30 seconds, and I would ask or say the most random off topic thing. I would try to explain how my mind works (“See we were talking about x, which reminded my of y, which is something A experienced, whose uncle is a movie star, which made me think about LA, which made me think about the low carb diet.”) but he would never understand. So, this ‘monkey-mind’ theory made me analyze my life and why I am this way. Why am constantly jumping from one task/thought/passion to another? If I don’t find instant gratification or satisfaction is something or one thing, I skip onto the next, never fully completing the original task/thought/passion. Since I am not at any peace with my life or within it, I cannot discontinue this ‘monkey-mind’ way of life.

Therefore, I have come to realize my life is extremely chaotic- there is no peace, there is not a lot of understading. Furthermore, I have realized that I take pleasure in the chaoticness of my life. And I don’t think I want to anymore. I am pretty sure that I want this out of my life, or the controlled aspect of it, out of my life.

Interestingly enough, I looked up the meaning of chaos. I got these definitions:
1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.
Case and point: I first titled this blog Organized Chaos. But then saw the first definition and decided that is an oxymoron and I am really not organized. I have extremely high organization tendencies- but I am not organized. At least right now I am not. The second definition pretty much sums up this blog. And the third struck me as I am relating my chaos to a state in which I yearn, meditated. I am aware that I cannot have a peaceful, focused, meditative ability in a self induced chaotic life. So I find it funny that the third definition describes the order of the universe… and that chaos is was allegedly what preceded the order of the universe. [To bring it ALL home] Consequently, I am embarking on a more peaceful, and more focused life, an ordered universe that will follow the chaos that identified my life for the past 22 years.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Becoming an adult.

At what age do we cross over from young adult to authentic adult? Until now, I had always imagined there was some sort of fantasy adult threshold you cross sometime shortly after college and before getting married. However, I am continuously being proven wrong. I assumed after graduating college and entering the “real world” (possibly extending young adult life a little longer until one is reproducing) that women stop creating caddy ‘reality-show-esque’ drama, men forego speaking of how they ‘hit it’, and both parties alike discontinue illicit and illegal drugs, keg stands, beer pong, flip cup, jager bombs, tequila shots and partying until they heave. Don’t get me wrong. Many aspects of my life consist of some of the aforementioned activities… but I am 22 year young and use those as my last little hope of holding on to my youth. And maybe that’s really what it all boils down to. These people that have so recently crushed my delusion of adulthood just want to think they are still young.
I am one to spend time with a melting pot of individuals. We all know I like to talk, am fairly talented at get others to talk and take pleasure in the mere event of socialization. Whether a child, teen, adult or dirty old man, I take it where I can get it. As I mature, I have been integrating an older assembly of friends into my life- that have brought my dreams of adulthood to a screeching halt. I spent some time drinking with friends between the ages of 30 and 35, men I have gotten to know pretty well, some married, some not. They still speak of women (for lack of a better word… obviously not verbatim, nevertheless, I intend to keep the vowel intact) whom- in their glory days I’m sure- they once ‘hooked up with’ or how their single friends ‘hit that’ in Vegas. On another occasion, I sat with a 32 year old friend and discussed the times I ‘experimented’ with marijuana in high school. He then informed me he had a plant of weed growing in his backyard at one point. The backyard of his house. That he owns. That is on a golf course. Really? Really. Another friend, about 35 years old, described how he loved marijuana, cocaine, and above all, ecstasy, but refrained from doing them on a regular basis since he had an addictive personality. Then he proceeded to order another round of jager bombs. Since I am not completely sexist, I have to divulge some of the examples of careless female adults as well. As much as I do not like to expose my own kind, I must not bestow a biased opinion. A 35 year old mother and teacher at a local elementary school recently depicted a night of drinking ‘at the property’ (think back to the keg parties in the woods when we were in high school- bon fire, beer, big trucks- this time with children running around probably pretending they are Nascar drivers) when she was, AND I QUOTE, “shit-faced hammered”. She then advanced upon about her flashing her breasts to her husbands friends, throwing up down the side of her truck and passing out on her lawn (albeit momentarily, the event still occurred). A 40 year old woman I previously worked with created Hills-worthy drama within the office, to the point where she was let go because of it. Hell, the informant of all gossip within Outback-Bonita is one of the oldest employees we have. She knows everything. And disperses it continuously.
Now, as I am far from sheltered, I assumed their would be Van Wilder type men out there that relive their ‘old glory days’ and speak of how many ‘hoes’ they pulled, their pledge class drinking record still hanging at their frat house, and the time they won a beer pong tournament without drinking a single cup. Frankly, I have multiple friends that will end up like this. I also pictured the 40-something, typically blonde, counterfeit-breasted ‘lady’ wearing Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, or my personal favorite, Rave, sliding down her stool at the bar as she slurs discusses the difference between highlights and lowlights. Perhaps a depiction of a family member, this type is not in which I would not socialize among, nor will any of my friends result in. I just never presumed the epidemic would be this prevalent. I just thought ‘growing-up’ happened. Apparently, I am mistaken. And maybe advertising is to blame. Everyone wants to stay young, attractive and sought after. Luckily, I have learned this lesson early enough to not be completely disappointed and prevent myself from this ugly path.

The majority of these events have unfolded within the past six months. Shocked, I digest these stories and begin to ponder. Is this how my life will unravel in my thirties? I know I want to continue to have fun, have girl’s night out, drink martinis during happy hour and have a glass of wine with my fictitious husband before dinner. Will these activities lead me down a reckless path of attempting to clutch on to my youth? I yearn to sip happy hour cocktails and discuss politics; the stock market; and why Roth IRA’s are so beneficial (picture me sitting at the country club with my husband and our close couple friends as our children attend golf and tennis lessons). Does this mean my life will be boring? That I will no longer relate to 20-somethings? Be it if it may, I wish to arrive at the brink of my adult threshold with beauty, class and a dirty martini.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Life Update

I haven't updated in a very long time. I have been incredibly busy with so many different things, so I will provide an update on everything and hope to continue blogging on a more frequent basis.

Regarding work, I finally quit working at Mountain Insurance and started planning to open an agency with my friend, Lawton. Lawton and I have been friends for the past 2 year while he lived in Denver. We are affiliated with a real estate agent/mortgage broker who will refer us business to pretty much guarantee that we have some business in the beginning. We have had some constraints here and there, but things seem to be working out. I hope to be writing insurance again (as pathetic as it may sound- I am so freaking excited about it!) by the end of next week. I cannot wait to start working again and making money. Not that I haven't been working- I just haven't made any money from the work that I have done. Which aggravates me and makes me think I wasn't as prepared as I should have been. Completely my fault... but I think I am in too deep now. All I can do is continue working at Outback (egh) to pay my bills. For those of you still living off your parents, I applaud you. Being in a partnership is hard work. My Dad didn't want me to go into a partnership because he doesn't think they work, and even fed me the lovely statistic that there is an 80% failure rate of business partnerships. Thanks Dad. When I told Lawton that (in the very beginning of talks), he said, "great, so we'll be in the 20% that do work". He kills me. But we balance each other out. He tells me I am a pessimist, and I rebute that I am just a realist. For those of you that watch Cashmere Mafia, I told him that he would be my work husband... so sometimes he tells me he wants a divorce... hah. I know we can work things out but its hard because we are close friends and are so open with each other that neither one of us will avert from telling the other that we're pissing each other off. Sorry for the ramble... but thats what I deal with on a daily basis. Its like being in a relationship again without any of the good parts. On other work notes, we have set up our office in Cape Coral (yuck-but its free) and I sold my first polcy the other week... which I cant even write or bind since we still have to get our contracts together. It still felt good. I cannot wait for 6 months from now when this start up crap is behind me and we are just pluggin away and making {some} money.

In my weight loss news... the day after Easter I had some sort of flu bug that caused me to throw up everything but the bones inside my body which resulted in a 5 lb. decline in my weight- yes in one day- pretty impressive. As my Dad says, "not neccessarily the way you want to lose it, but its still good nonetheless." My appetite hasn't been the same all week... which could be a good thing. I haven't gained any of it back, so I should really use this as a gunshot to start up again. I work out randomly because I have no routine right now. I need that 9-5 schedule to plan for my workouts. Which brings me to the next few months. I am working at Outback on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays, coaching soccer on Thursdays. So I will be working during the day and then busy as nights everyday except Monday. And I'll have the weekends... which never seem to be mine anyway. The real world sucks.

In relationship/dating news, my friend Lindsay is getting married in July. I recently went to her engagement party in which a lot of happily married couples regurgatated advice that has kept their marriage afloat. Britt [who was there as well] told me she has never seem me leave a social event so fast. I had hot flashes and was sweating. I can't seem to even FATHOM getting and/or being married. Like, how did I think I was ready to marry someone a year and a half ago!? Why didn't any of you slap me?? What's even crazier was that my sister and step-sister both got married at 21, and as most of you know, I just turned 22. And my younger stepsister is on her way to the chapel [I assume] as well. Is something wrong with me? Getting married makes me nauseous. I talked with Britt about it and got those same hot flashes... I kind of think its weird. Or I think my family thinks its weird. Like my grandma and cousin ask me, "are you dating anyone?" and I am like, ugh no. I can't really determine what I want right now. I can't imagine having to check in with a boyfriend and give up the time I spend with my family and girlfriends right now. It would be nice to lay with someone- once in awhile... but then again I just don't think its worth it. As much as I long to be a mother, part of me thinks I want to just be single forever and live selfishly... play mommy through my niece and nephews for the rest of my life. I am sure I will grow out of it eventually... I just hope I'm not too late when I do. Granted, I am only 22... I have my entire life ahead of me. (Knock on wood)... I had a dream last night that I had cervical cancer and was basically saying my goodbyes... scary. Lawton's, brother's wife's nephew passed away last night and has been suffering from Leukemia for the past year... so I am sure that's why it was on my mind.

Also, Sarah, the girl that I hired to work with Brooke and me at Mountain and became our good friend, just moved into the third bedroom at our house. We all have gotten pretty close and its pretty fun to live with your girlfriends and going out buddies. We laugh when we go out because I'm a brunette, Brooke's a redhead and Sarah's a blonde. We offer a full menu...lol.

So I think I have updated things in my life. I will continue to blog and update... regardless of whether anyone reads this anymore....
XOXO