My story...

I need to write about this now because it’s so fresh... I have so many other things to be doing right now, but this will be a mini-session of therapy. Some of my friends have asked and I am really not good at keeping my emotions hidden. I know that my story is only one sided… and I hope anyone who reads this would know that too. That all I can do is account for my feelings and the conversations I have retained. I almost feel silly writing about it… like I am going through a painful divorce or a death… and I guess in some ways it could be looked at that way. I pray this doesn’t come off dramatic and I pray that as I write this I will be humble and transparent.
It honestly began very simply, as all things do. I had asked him to do something one morning while I was at bible study and he told me he was too busy. I snapped back with, “I always have to do operational things; it’d be nice if you could do this just once.” The thing is, I have run the operational side of our business since day one, and that is not my passion. I love to do sales and deal with people… not make excel spreadsheets and fill out countless forms. Apparently, I was a bitter that I was the one doing the dirty work throughout our business. This sent him into a fit of rage and he began to question everything I have done in the last four months. Since I was at church and not willing to have the discussion in the bathroom, I continuously repeated (as he yelled at me) that I had to go and eventually hung up on him.
He emailed me some nasty thing basically questioning what I do all day, informing me of how busy he is and that he has worked so hard for me to have everything and ending with an ever so powerfully guilt-ridden, “And this is what I get.”
I read the email a couple times. I was hurt but realized I still had stuff that needed to be done and that he was angry. I let it go and went in the office. We barely spoke. The next day came and it was only a simple greeting that was exchanged. He finally turned to me and said, “Are you ready to talk about this?” I asked him if there was something to discuss, that I read his email and his points and that I wasn’t planning on responding and fighting with him over email. He responded that he was disturbed with the fact that I didn’t want to respond. I felt and still feel, that I do not need to defend myself, nor do I need to answer his irate questions or respond into a ‘measuring contest’. He began to get really angry with me and called me a variety of names, all along the lines of selfish, greedy, inconsiderate and questioned my relationship with Christ. He told me that I have changed (I am proud to say I have), that my priorities are way off and he can’t believe that I would call myself a Christian. As much as I tried to remain silent in the accusations, I was quick (and wrong) in defending my faith and then questioned his. He claims to love my same Jesus and yet can be giving in so many ways, but his words didn’t reflect it. I didn’t believe him. He argued that his life more reflected a Christian life than mine and I said “Not if you are having pre-marital sex and living with your girlfriend.” He denied it and I reaffirmed that she had repeatedly spoken to me about these things. I’d like to emphasize repeatedly.
After being yelled at twice by others’ in the office, and realizing that it was going nowhere fast, I told him that he could say what he pleased but that I was done arguing. I turned back to my computer and went back to work. He continued calling me names and accusing me and questioning my character. I simply responded, “If you truly believe all those things, why on earth would you want to be in business with me?” He couldn’t believe I would bring that up, responding with, “It’s when you say things like that…” and assumed me a quitter for bringing that up. I’m not sure if it was just that he was irritated that I had ignored him or was so angry but he ended up leaving, but not before muttering, “I can’t believe I didn’t see your true character”. It was about 11:00am.
I calmed down, thought and prayed about the situation. I sat and wrote him a pretty lengthy email about the way he manipulated and spoke to me, how he treated me, about throwing Jesus in my face and his ability to remember everything I ever did wrong and bring it up as ammo whenever he felt necessary. I could have easily given him a list of all the things I have done in the past 4 months that he was too ignorant to see… but I figured it wouldn’t do much at this point.
I ended my email with this, “I admit that I have not given my all to this business through its entirety. I admit that I am not most productive when I am working from home. I also admit that I have taken advantage of the fact that I have the free will to do whatever I please throughout the work week. I am sorry for doing that and letting you down. There are things that I will undoubtedly work on if we decide to continue this business together. But in return, I will need you to recognize and work on some things as well. If you do not trust me or really think these things that you express about my character…then please do not be in this partnership with me. I do not want to be in a partnership with anyone who feels the way that you have expressed you feel about me. Please let me know if this is what you wish to do and we will discuss how we will split.”
His response was, “So much of that is babble I have not even read it. Insanity more so. You spent more time writing that than ever working the past four months. Always complaining about the office, something always. I was just the last to see the obvious. I love what Jesus represents and I will continue walking towards him…Remember how you asked if I would tell you what Damian won, if anything. I remember that look on your face, a look of greed. I gave you the shirt off my back, and I was blind to character. You are beyond selfish. I always thought of you first. You are bitter and angry with me and I can’t fathom why, or maybe it is something weird. I don’t know how I was so wrong but I hope Jesus can help us get through this.”
Oh buddy, we both need Jesus so much right now. There are so many things I could write right now to defend the things he said, but honestly, I am not worried about defending myself. I am exhausted over trying to defend myself, and am resting in the fact that the Lord will defend me.
The weekend went by and I spent a lot of time reflecting on the situation and just thinking. I had some conversations (limited ones…) about it and expressed to my Dad that I wish I wouldn’t have ever been in a partnership- that I had listened to him from the beginning. I told Maria that I wish he would just opt to be bought out…that I would not regret buying him out, that I may regret having him stay. Maria gave me insight in the way he was talking to me, the names he was calling me and that if it were any other relationship (and still really is…) it would be considered verbal abuse. She was right, but I had given him so much slack after his accident… when he punched and dented his car after yelling at me… I was just glad that he was alive.
Monday I worked from home and we emailed about meeting on Tuesday. We worked normally in the office together and I had thoughts that it would work! Before the meeting, I wrote down some notes about my thoughts so I wouldn’t get lost in his manipulation like I so often did. I printed out the emails to reference if he didn’t recollect saying something. We sat down in a public place. He reiterated the way he thought about me…I asked him for specific situations and how I could make it better. I was listening, I was peaceful and I was calm. He attacked me over and over, told me the means things people-my friends and family included- had said to him. This continued and I patiently listened. He wouldn’t give me specific examples for each of his accusations… or more than one or two things he had repeatedly brought up… I told him that if we are going to continue this business relationship, that it was important so I would know.
He quickly responded, “I don’t want to be in this relationship.” I asked if he wanted to be in this business relationship and he said no. I asked him what the options were. It seemed so simple sitting at the table. Okay a,b,c or d. Well, I nixed a,b, and d. The only option left is for me to buy him out. He wanted to split the book and I reminded him that he didn’t have the appropriate credentials/licensing to take over half. He said with 60 days, he could figure it out. I told him things would get too messy in that amount of time. Then he seemed to backpedal for a moment. He said, “Alright well if we can’t agree, then lets just get back to work.”
?!?!?!?!
Unfortunately, I do not have the short term memory loss ability that you have been awarded and I cannot and will not forget these things you have said to me. I agreed to option C and we will go from there.
He asked if I would draw up the numbers and spreadsheets in order to present him an offer. Because I know he is incapable of doing so (operationally incompetent), I told him I would be happy to. I went back to the office and started changing all the passwords, looked at the bank account and literally thought; he would never take it that far. But I was wrong.
He walks back into the office and tells me he took out $1500 from the bank account, to match the amount I had been paid the month prior. (Per our agreement, I took out the amount to pay my bills and then we both got the same amount of ‘spending’ money. He doesn’t have any bills since he lives with his mother or girlfriend and received a car for free after his accident.) If we would have discussed this… it would have been a totally different story. But he just took it and smirked back into his chair.
The next hour is sort of blurry, but I know he was still very angry. I was praying through the entire time that I would have peace and strength from God and love him like Jesus. This was pretty exhausting! He was giving me a file here and there, I walked over to his desk as he was to the side and said I need to get something off your computer (almost ALL our company info is in his computer and I wanted to send myself our client tracking spreadsheet). He grabbed the mouse from my hands and literally pushed me (his elbow met my ribs) out of the way. He called me a few names that I would not want to repeat and I exclaimed, loud enough for all to hear, “Don’t push me Lawton, you can’t push me like that!” I asked if he would do us both a favor and just leave. He said he wouldn’t, so I went in to talk to Fred and we agreed that he would just ask us both to leave. When Lawton saw Fred, he said he would leave in 5 minutes and that he was sorry. He played on his computer awhile longer and cleaned out most of his desk. He continued to make comments here and there and I continued to not respond. He finally left.
So now I sit exhausted, with a lot of work and a long road ahead of me. I am feeling peaceful about it and knowing that this is all in God’s plan. I have said many times that the people that come and go in our lives often accomplish exactly what they are supposed to. As I write this, I recognize that if Lawton had not been injured, I would probably still be living the damaging life that I was once living. Since I find great joy in analyzation and often try to analyze God (even though I know I can’t figure You out!) I am left thinking that we were apart of this business together so that I would devote my life back to Christ… and that his time in my life is done. I trust that God is in control of my life, my business and even my relationships. I know that God has this all under control.
I know it’s hard to ever imagine me as a battered woman. I am not claiming to be so… but I can say that he would verbally abuse me and I was blind to the fact of it. I believed the lies that he would feed me and became discouraged because of it. I can see the big picture now and I will run toward getting this business and my life back into shape. I pray that I will continue to love him like Jesus and be respectful and civilized. I pray that he will do the same, but I am prepared for all the persecution that may come my way.
Praying for peace, strength and contentment,
Alicia

Be strong and courageous...

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Russia has been on my heart... since before I went to Haiti.

There is a group from my church that visits Nalchik, Russia twice a year. They speak at a business school to young Russians who want to learn the American way of business. It is an incognito type of mission trip that doesn't preach the Gospel unless really approached.

I was initially interested in going when Josh had emailed a bunch of girls about going this past Spring- I mentioned it to Jennifer who was going and tried to get me to go but I didn't have my passport and then couldn't get my visa in time. I sat with Pam in her living room days before I left for Haiti expressing my interest and receiving her encouragement. I talked with April about it and we prayed for my God-sized vision...

After coming back from Haiti, I mentioned it to my women's Crew and Lynn suggested the upcoming trip in October. (I hesitated and said I probably couldn't afford it...) I told Jennifer, again, that I was interested and she jumped on the idea! I consulted my sister- hoping she would not allow it! I made excuses about the date not working (missing a wedding to shoot, missing Maria's birthday, and it being only a few months after these other summer trips). Jennifer emailed me about a week ago and I responded with... I'll pray about it.

But in my heart, I know God told me to go. He showed me the people of Haiti... the people of New York and worked within my heart. That, along with amazing teachers in my life, made it so clear what the Lord's call of my life is... and my responsibility to live it out.

I asked Lynn to come over early last night to talk to me about Russia... the activities and just see if she had some sort of wisdom to offer me... She answered my loads of questions and then asked what my fears were. I replied,

1. Finances...raising support to pay for the trip. I thoroughly do not enjoy asking for money... but the Lord is humbling me in this.

2. Skepticism and gossip...this has been made clear to my partner, Lawton. I was worried what others and even clients would think knowing that I was on my third "vacation" in 5 months.

3. Safety...apparently, Lynn read (and shared) awhile back the in the southern area of Russia, North American women have frequently been kidnapped. The area is mainly Muslim and not reached for the name of Christ and therefore we could get in trouble for speaking about Jesus...I cannot tell people that I am there as a missionary.

Lynn made great points. She told me that God would not pull through with finances if He didn't want me to go...reminded me of the way He came through and taught me a powerful lesson with Haiti. She insisted that I should not care or worry what others think... as long as I am working hard in my responsibilities at work and focus on what God thinks of my work. She continues to tell me that she "doesn't feel danger" when she is there (right, Lynn, that's reassuring). She asks most importantly, did God tell you to go? I respond boldly, He did. ...but maybe I could wait for the next go around? She asks me my favorite Blackaby phrase... Delayed obedience is what, Alicia?

Disobedience.

So I tell her I'll keep praying about it. And I pray, and I pray for clarity and wisdom, that God would make it so unmistakeably clear to me.

This morning, I read my devotional, God Calling, and today, July 14 it is written:

'True Success' (Which is funny in itself if you know me, because thats what I think is really what I want out of life.)

Rejoice indeed that you see My Hand in all the happenings and the keepings of the day. Protected, the Israelites crossed the Red Sea; so are you protected in all things.
Rely on this and go forward. You have now entered upon the stage of success. You must not doubt this. You must see this. Beyong all doubt you must know it. It is true. It is sure.
These last few weeks have been the submerging before the consciousness of rescue. Go forward now and conquer. Go forward unafraid.

-----

Okay, I got it... finally.
So, trusting in the Lord wholly, I am being obedient and moving forward with the trip to Russia, October 16-25. Please pray that God would prepare me for this trip- my heart and the plans to be made. Pray for the fears that I have... that I would continue to trust in the Lord with all my heart... and that I would be strong against any attack that may surface. Pray that the hearts of Russia would be open and eager to learn about what makes us 'different'. Please pray for all those who may read this, that they may see just a glimpse of how intimate Jesus Christ can be... and that they long for that relationship too. Above all else, pray that God be glorified through this entire process. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support... I hope that you find this note an encouragement.

I once was lost...

God is teaching me so much right now.
Almost too much... or I think its too much. I am not a quitter. But I have come to realize that when too much is going on, or there are too many lessons being poured into me at once or too many things to pray for... that it has become easier to just tune it out. Take notes and 'hear' it but not listen to it. Of course I look at this as a competitor and call myself a quitter. That I am not willing to press on- to persevere. I try to think about all the things He is teaching me... thinking that I must organize the lessons I am learning and write out the prayers I have... but that doesn't seem like a relationship. That seems like school work.
How am I approaching what the Lord is teaching me?
I love being fed... through multiple weekly ministries... through multiple women and men in my life that pour into me. I'm not sure if I allow God to teach me as much as I allow His people to teach me... or if I count it as the same.
I know right now that God is teaching me a lot about where I came from. A lot about the lost girl I once was. Showing me that I am still such a sinner, but that through Christ I am forgiven.
I feel discouraged. I feel alone. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I shouldn't be having a public pity party... but then again it is probably good for me to be a tad vulnerable.
I think I will go make a list... my ultimate earthly therapy.