Quarter-Life Crisis.

So its clearly been awhile. I'm in a place where I don't really know what else to do but pray, write, analyze and talk about myself (typical).

I'm not even twenty-three and I think I am having a quarter-life crisis. Which makes sense, because I was always an early-bloomer. I shaved my legs before any of my girlfriends. I kissed a boy before any of my friends. I was the first of my friends to have a long, serious relationship. I started a business while all my friends were graduating college...

So I guess it makes sense for me to have a quarter-life crisis before my quarter-life. I'm not quite sure exactly when it happened, but I was driving home from West Palm Beach on Friday and just kind of thinking about life. My mind works so darn fast, so I got some 5 hour analyzing into a 2.5 hour drive. I cried more tears on Friday than I have in a long time. Probably since I found out Lawton was hurt. I just cried and cried and cried. There were multiple things triggering the tears and but all in all, I kept thinking about work and what I am doing to glorify God.

I am an insurance agent. I provide a service to people, to help educate consumers about what they are forced to purchase, ease the process of shopping, and save people money. I have analyzed my job before to see what type of missionary I am... and I think I can glorify God in doing this. But this thought keeps popping into my head and here is where I get confused and therefore antsy. I keep thinking, I have a heart for children, I have felt convicted so often about children in orphanages that don't have food or clean water or are being sold into a life of slavery or prostitution. I am not doing anything about this. Am I being disobedient? Then, I beat myself up over it, and then I wonder, is the devil accusing me? Or is the Holy Spirit convicting me?

I can't just put in my 2 week notice and pick up and move to Cambodia. I have a business (even if I didn't, I still doubt I could just move). I have clients that I have helped, that rely on me for their needs. I have openly (and stupidly) said, "I am so thankful that I had my business before I came back to Christ, so I didn't search through Him and wait for Him to tell me what to do." That line plays over and over in my head- Alicia! You idiot! Why wouldn't you want His plan!?! It's far greater than yours! I marvel in the way people can just pick up and move and follow God's calling. "I am so close to my family, I could never do that", I have said... I know that God isn't here to trick us or to make me eat my words. But I also know that God does test us. I just haven't quite figured out what the test is.

It probably is a test of faith... about going to God with my problems. I miss that so often in my walk. I try to figure it out all on my own.

"Are you the first man ever born?
Were you brought forth before the hills?
Do you listen in on God's council?
Do you limit wisdom to yourself?
What do you know that we do not know?
What insights do you have that we do not have?" Job 15:7-9

The book of Job has taught me so much about thinking I am in control and can do things on my own. Obviously, I am still learning to put it in play. Who do I think I am?!