Chaos

I have come to the determination that I love chaos. Now, I know most of you are thinking, well duh, Alicia, we have always known this, why have you not? For years I have just said I like to be busy. I like to work multiple jobs, coach soccer, see my family and spend time with my friends… plan it all, do it all, and live it all. I think my love for chaos is directly related to my problem with procrastination. For example, I cannot get something done right now because later, if I have nothing to do, then I will really have nothing to do. (My ADD is in full affect as I write this blog, so please; try to stay with me here.) If it is Saturday and I have nothing going on (and by nothing going on, I mean no meetings, soccer games, lunches or punctual plans), I think to myself, I can clean my room, do laundry, vacuum, etc. So I go to the living room and find a movie on TV. (I am dissecting my mind here, I am never aware of literally thinking like this.) Because if I don’t watch this movie, and I clean my room, do my laundry, clean the house and later… maybe Sunday, if I have nothing going on, there may not be anything on TV, my ‘chores’ will be caught up, and I will really have nothing to do. And Lord knows my ADD butt cannot have ‘nothing’ to do (being a grammar freak this sentence makes me cringe). So I think that is why I put things off and put things off. Not to mention create more and more tasks for myself. I find no peace in the word simplify (ironic because I never find peace- see I can’t even find peace with peace). Maybe this is why I like yoga… or sleep so much, because it involves peace. Which is interesting because I have begun (and by begun I mean that I am halfway through) reading Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love this book so far. I cannot tell you the countless self-help books, or work tool books I have begun reading and stopped because I get distracted or bored. This is a story, an escape, of this woman’s life and yet I am taking so much from it, reading it as a self-help, or as I’d prefer, a self-discovery book. I am truly digesting her experience and learning the things she writes about. I am digesting and learning so much that I broke out the highlighter and have begun highlighting important points, things relatable to me and my life. And I relate, oh, how I relate to this woman. Currently, I am in India with Liz (metaphorically, not literally), at a Yogic ‘University’, where we study mostly meditation for now. Meditation is something I never understood. Yoga was never something I understood. I play soccer. I run miles. I cannot sit on a mat, stretch, chant and meditate. Ignorant, stubborn me, oh how God works (which is a-whole-nother blog we will get to one day). I was instructed to do yoga by my dermatologist because he said I needed to relax. I need to relax because my psoriasis is stress related. Obviously, with chaos and busy-ness in your life, stress is a prevalent aspect; and one in which I have come to love. So you see, if my life is chaotic, I am stressed, and if I am stressed, then I have psoriasis flares, and if I have flares, then I have worry, and if I busy being worried, then I have chaos. Vicious circles. My life. Back to the doctor. When he ‘prescribed’ yoga to me I laughed. Literally. And neglected his order. I did phototherapy, took pills that required blood work weekly and eventually resorted to injections. Nothing has cured me, most have helped momentarily, but none of these powerful attempts have cured me or cleared my skin completely. And I am not here to pose witness that my psoriasis was healed from yoga. But all the while, I started doing yoga about 2 months ago (approximately 2 years after my doctor suggested I try it). It was such a peaceful experience. Something so unlike the rest of my life. It was a retreat from my busy, chaotic life, and as hard as it may have been, truly allowed me to relax. The sessions are usually concluded with meditation. Again, something that I never understood. This is probably because it is difficult for me, and to be frank, things that are difficult to me, I do not understand and therefore do not attempt. But I lay, relaxed, focused, meditating, and I fall asleep… and this sleep which may sound so simple, is really the essence of the meditation. Because I am not actually sleeping, I am in a meditative state, which I call sleep because I do not know any better. The greatest part of my ‘nap’ is when they ring this bell, which is more like a xylophone, and it gives this high pitch ding, that if in this state, literally electrifies throughout your body. You feel it in every vertebrae of your neck and spine, through your legs and down to your toes. It is a pretty incredible experience. Especially for me, the skeptic. Which is good because if I felt nothing, I probably wouldn’t have gone back. Now, back to the point, I am relating to this writer and her ‘monkey-mind’ as she meditates. I have a serious case of his ‘monkey-mind’, especially when I try to focus on yoga or meditating, where my mind jumps from limb to limb and doesn’t stop. My ex-boyfriend, Mike, and I used to be having a conversation about something, we’d be silent for say, 30 seconds, and I would ask or say the most random off topic thing. I would try to explain how my mind works (“See we were talking about x, which reminded my of y, which is something A experienced, whose uncle is a movie star, which made me think about LA, which made me think about the low carb diet.”) but he would never understand. So, this ‘monkey-mind’ theory made me analyze my life and why I am this way. Why am constantly jumping from one task/thought/passion to another? If I don’t find instant gratification or satisfaction is something or one thing, I skip onto the next, never fully completing the original task/thought/passion. Since I am not at any peace with my life or within it, I cannot discontinue this ‘monkey-mind’ way of life.

Therefore, I have come to realize my life is extremely chaotic- there is no peace, there is not a lot of understading. Furthermore, I have realized that I take pleasure in the chaoticness of my life. And I don’t think I want to anymore. I am pretty sure that I want this out of my life, or the controlled aspect of it, out of my life.

Interestingly enough, I looked up the meaning of chaos. I got these definitions:
1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.
Case and point: I first titled this blog Organized Chaos. But then saw the first definition and decided that is an oxymoron and I am really not organized. I have extremely high organization tendencies- but I am not organized. At least right now I am not. The second definition pretty much sums up this blog. And the third struck me as I am relating my chaos to a state in which I yearn, meditated. I am aware that I cannot have a peaceful, focused, meditative ability in a self induced chaotic life. So I find it funny that the third definition describes the order of the universe… and that chaos is was allegedly what preceded the order of the universe. [To bring it ALL home] Consequently, I am embarking on a more peaceful, and more focused life, an ordered universe that will follow the chaos that identified my life for the past 22 years.