One of my best friends, Amanda (we've been through thick and thin, highs and LOWS and offered a lot to our relationship throughout it all), visited me last night and we spent the evening drink coffee and chatting. It's so great to have a friend that I can have come over while I am in my pajamas, with a messy room and no makeup and not even think about having to entertain her. We just sat on the couch and reveled in our past, laughed about the future and distributed a lot of advice. She is one person that I know will be honest with me and truly listen to me when I speak. So, this morning we were getting ready (me for church and her to visit her family) in my bathroom and she asks me, "What does saved my grace mean to you?" Now, I have seen this on my mirror for months... I understand what it means to me, but have never thought of a sentence necessarily to describe its meaning. I said the first thing that came to me, which was, "It means that I can forgive myself because Jesus has forgiven me." I was pretty proud of my answer but thought, do I really mean that? Or further, do I really feel that? (If you know me at all, that could be a bit humorous.) Interesting thought for me to ponder, but we moved on.
My sister had told me there would be a speaker at church who was an evangelist and author, Jeremy Kingsley. This made me pretty excited but I had really hoped to have led someone to come with me this week. I have been trying for months to get my business partner, Lawton to come and I invited Amanda, she politely declined. (I so badly want the opportunity to lead someone to the Lord!) Jeremy Kingsley, the Evangelist, comes on stage and starts telling us about himself and a story of him on an airplane. He is talking about witnessing, and says something along the lines of, don't pray for a situation to arise, but see the opportunities that are already there. This is something that stuck out to me and I could only think about what Amanda had asked about the question on my mirror.
Jeremy then continues to talk about salvation, Moses and the Israelites, and as I heard it just how easy it is to be saved. So like the Israelites just had to look at this bronzed snake to be saved, I just have to ask God for forgiveness. I need Godly sorrow, not wordly sorrow. Jeremy also said we need to be sorry that our sin hurts Jesus. For some reason or another, this breaks me. Why haven't I thought about this before?! I apologize to people when I hurt them. I am sorry when I hurt other people. But when I sin, it usually hurts me... and I continue to allow it to hurt me... which in turn hurts Jesus. HELLO!?! I am quick to forgive so many others aside from myself. I hold on to things and guilt myself for years and years. Finally this morning, I have realized that I cannot save or teach myself a lesson by feeling guilty about my sin. I have to give it to God, repent and be cleansed. Being broken over hurting Jesus is so powerful... it made me realize how much I really love him- That knowing I hurt or dissapointed him, BROKE MY HEART.
I love when God brings me to a broken place. Although I know it would be exhausting to constantly be broken, sometimes I wish I were. I learn so much in my times of brokenness and I've truly felt the freedom of forgiveness.
And, since God knows that I am stubborn, he drove the bit home a little further when my mother called right after church. (She still goes to a Catholic church as we were raised.) She says to me, "I was thinking about you today in church was the preist was telling us that we have to forgive ourselves in order to be forgive by Christ, and I know how you just hold on to things..."
Got it God. For grace is enough, I can repent to you, you will forgive me and I can FINALLY forgive myself!
Oh praise the One who paid my debt, And raised this life up from the dead.
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