Oh, Will, please show yourself to me.

So today was a much better day. Praise the Lord. I started my day with a devotional and prayer. My devotional was in Isiah 49:16, "See I have engraved you in the palm of my hands." My response to this was how lucky I am to know Christ. That I didn't choose him, but he chose me! How great is that!?! And obviously, since he knows me, he has a definite plan for me. (Which I will let reign in my life, let reign in my life... I am trying here people.)

And I was not completely honest when I posted last night. I left one frustration out... which is funny because its the biggest of all and the hardest for me to give up. I'm putting this out there and trying to be humble... so please be gracious and merciful as you read. And don't laugh, because I know I am silly! One of my biggest struggles used to be with sex. I had previously engaged in pre-marital sex (shocker, I know) and couldn't grasp the concept of a relationship without it. I questioned my patient girlfriends about how it could be possible?! After a lot of praying, God finally changed my heart. I made the decision to commit to abstinence until I am married.

God's working ways are so amazing. Shortly after my decision, not only in my heart, but voiced to many of my friends who will keep me accountable, God opened my heart to the idea of a relationship. I actually wanted to date again.

(Back story: I was in a 3 year relationship where I lived with a guy, got a dog, broke up, moved out, lost the dog, and he knocked up a girl about 6 months later. Ouch. I was a serial dater. Then I became a serial game-player- not wanting anything to do with commitment or even a syllable of the word- where I just kept guys around for my benefit and to call on when I needed or wanted something. I cut ties with a lot of these guys that were at my finger tips and I have definitely been tested... and am still working through getting over my past!)

So He places this desire in my heart and a couple situations blossom. Purely situations... But, the situations I had come to know, were not of God, and therefore, these Godly situations were a bit daunting. For example, I can talk to anyone, I am a question prompter, debater and listener (and talker, duh). So when I used to talk to guys, I had what I like to call, a "game". (This is where it may become humorous.) I mastered the "game"...it usually involved drinking and a lot of flirtation. Cue to my 'situations' that are of God. I have no game... zip, zero. Like Ariel in The Little Mermaid when she can't speak anymore. That's how I feel. Which I know is God because my 'game' is so not of Him. Still, I am left frustrated because due my mastering the "game", it was very easy to get what I wanted out of a situation. Whether it be a drink, phone call, pursuit, invite...whatever... I was able to get what I wanted and take it as far as I wanted- I was in control. Again, cue to my 'situations'- these situations are Godly and therefore, so not in my control. So, I am trying to lose myself in God and rest in the "game" of Trusting Him, rather than controlling little men not even worth my time.

So I had an awesome lunch with my dear friend Ashby. I know Christ has used her to teach me. Sometimes when she gets on these tangents, I know Christ is speaking through her. I am so thankful for her friendship and her ability to be a vice for God to speak to me! I went to her house and she made some awesome healthy turkey panini's. We actually spent our lunch hour [and a half] at the pool... it was so refreshing. And we had great conversation... as always. I was telling her about my struggles and discerning between God's will and my overbearing justifications of "maybe, this could be what He wants..." She is great about helping me get right with God. We have also tossed the idea of me moving in with her and her sister around. I still haven't come to a conclusion, but we threw around some ideas and decided I just need to pray for clear direction. (I am having issues with thinking about living more than .3 seconds away from the fam- Cut the cord already.)

Now that I am trying to lose control and rest in Him, I find myself question is this God's Will or MY will? So I decide that I am going to do a Facebook Fast, just for four days starting at midnight. I am so obsessed with Facebook and since I work on the computer a lot, I constantly pop on and off or just leave it up. It has been a great tool for communicating with my friends, especially my dear friends who have moved across the country and across the world (Hello, my name is Alicia and I am a justifer.) Every night for the past couple weeks I talk to my great friend, Matt, a high school friend who attends Bible College in West Virginia. He is a pastor's son and so wise about the Bible and just man after God. We used to have Catholic vs. Protestant debates back in the day, and frankly, he'd kick my butt. Anywho, we talk every night on Facebook and he has become my Bible Trainer (like personal trainer, but trainer of the Bible). He recently lost his phone, and not that we have talked on the phone much at all, Facebook is our main segway of communication. He never got on all night and as the minutes tick away, I was dreading not being able to talk to him before my fast. Well, at 11:57 pm, he texts me, I found my phone. I mean, really, God? You are so cool. THEN, I was blog-stalking and was reading a girl's blog that goes to my church and was talking about a Facebook Fast. So, I get it God, this is a wise choice (I will talk about the boldness later).

Stick with me here, God is still working and teaching.

So Matt and I text back and forth a bit. The front door unlocks and I hear a bustle, footsteps, mens voices and beer bottles clanking together. (Yay the roomies are home! And they brought guests! How exciting!....sarcasm) Frustration ensues and I am twitching in the thought of living here longer. I ask him to pray for my sleep since people are over and wish him goodnight. ONE minute later, (mind you its 12:17AM) my realtor emails me about the place I saw on Monday asking me what I thought and if I want to move forward.
So now I am left with the question of... is this God sending me a sign? I am I living by my will and ignoring His? (I had kinda decided it my head that I would stay even though my roommate doesn't really pay her bills... or ever even close to being on time) So, God, are you telling me that I should move into this other place? I ask for clear direction... and I think this is clear... what do you think?
(Dear God, please respond to this blog. Please tell me point blank what I need to do. I would like to see, "1 New Comment from God: MOVE _______." Or if you cannot do that because you're on a different internet, perhaps galaxnet, or there aren't computers in Heaven, please speak through my friends in their advice. And soften Maria's heart if I do move. Sorry I am so hard-headed sometimes... I'll get better at seeing Your Will... In Your name I pray, Amen.)