Craving Jesus

Tonight was my first night attended Crave. Crave is the high school youth group at Summit Church. For some time now, I have been trying to figure out what to do with my Tuesday nights. I was going to Crew so many times a week and realized I wasn't doing much to pour into others. I tried Ignite, I babysat a lot, considered Young Life... but didn't hear anything from God. I waited and waited... and didn't commit (which is strange for me). Finally, I was talking to April (my wonderfully young mentor) and complaining about wanting to give up BigEnuf and KidZone but that I felt like I wasn't doing anything else for others... she recommeded me to try Ignite or Crave and work with younger girls who would look up to me. I thought about Ignite, but honestly wasn't too pumped about serving there / didn't feel like I was 'qualified' enough. I started getting really excited about Crave after I emailed the youth pastor who told me there was a need for a 10th grade small group leader. A woman at the church, Desiree called me a few days later telling me a funny story about her daughter, Tessa, wanting me to be her small group leader awhile ago... which is pretty weird because I wasn't even thinking about it then! Tessa is an awesome girl and I am excited to get to know her and her friends better!
Tonight we learned about prayer and the importance of it. The small group discussion wasn't too organic...but I will pray that it gets easier and better with time. These girls are sharp too! One of them started asking me a question about the Old Testament and I totally didn't have the answer and Tessa spoke up and answered (I am pretty sure it went undetected). During the message I thought about where I was when I was their age in high school. Man, I was lost. I started to tear up thinking that some of these students are where I was. I went to church and youth group but I still chose to make horrible decisions.
Lord I pray that I can make a difference in the lives of these girls in my small group and others within Crave. I pray that you would use me to be an intentional part of their lives and that their hearts and eyes would be open to your love. Stir in the hearts of the students that don't know you and prepare the leaders that are pouring into the lives of those there. Take away my own will and my words, I pray that you would only allow me to speak your Truth and that you lead me all the way through.

Becoming a bit more selfish...

Tonight I went to the conclusion to a special series in Crew about our roles as Men and Women. I'll be honest, I had expectations about tonight. I have listened to many sermons about marriage and what my role should look like. I've spent a lot of time around Godly married couples, I have talked to pastors, pastors' wives, read books, prayed and studied about what it looks like to be a Godly wife. I really, truly desire to be a wife that glorifies God. I know all the 'things' to do and I love to learn about 'how to be'. (I may even go as far as to say that I love rules.) I was excited tonight, ready to hear something new or a verse analyzed further than I had read it. Something to "broaden" my study.
I was kind of skeptical as I was sitting, listening, taking notes- waiting for the epiphany to hit me! To be honest, I didn't seem to hear anything new... or exciting. A lot of the lessons I have read in the Bible- which are extremely important...but, again, I was looking for new! I know that wives are supposed to respect your husbands and serve them by being suitable helpers. I know that husbands are to love their wives and serve her by providing for her. Got it. Marriage works when you keep your identity, rely on God, be selfless...etc, etc, etc.
Then enters my epiphany. Todd says, the world has this idea of selflessness all wrong. (Actually, I am pretty sure he said this jacked up idea, but I am the writer here.) The most important part of being selfless, is being selfish about your TIME with Christ.
Somehow, I have missed this. And I am embarrassed to say that I just didn't think of it.
Every night I set my alarm to wake up early and have quiet time with God in the morning. Sometimes I do it. A lot of times I don't. I will sleep in... or sometimes I even get up and start getting ready and think, oh, I'll just do it later. But then I don't. I get wrapped up in getting to work, or meeting with someone or going somewhere. And then I have this guilt problem where I think I have already messed it up so its easier to just put it off and do it right tomorrow.
I think about keeping up with my friendships, with the ladies in my life that pour into me, the ladies that I pour into, spending time with my family, coaching soccer, serving in ministries, having people at my house, going to church, working and all of these things, that aren't bad things. They are definitely good things. But if I am not growing in my relationship with Christ and pursuing him daily then they are just things- just actions, motions. I will be even more honest here and say that sometimes I do them out of my own selfish ambition and vain conceit- specifically what the Word tells us not to do. I think, oh, I can do this, I will help you do this, I will serve here- people can rely on me- I am the girl that never says no.
That is okay if I do all those things or are involved in all those ministries... but if I am not pursuing Christ everyday- every morning- then I am just wasting my time. I am just trying to make myself look good. In order to be the servant God wants me to be, I must seek Him every morning through prayer, reading His Word and resting in the relationship with my Savior.

Ultimately, I should go into work everyday with the ability to answer the question,

What has God taught me today?

I went tonight to learn more about marriage and how to be a Godly wife. There is no font or italic or bold or underline that can emphasize how big this lesson is for me. The great characteristic I can have as a wife, a mother, a woman in general, is to Love the Lord-my God- with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul. That definitely wasn't the lesson I expected receiving after tonight... but my gracious and mighty God works in ways that are unimaginable and inexplicable. Praise God for always keeping me on my toes!
(I'm of to set my alarm clock and pray that the Lord would have my neighbors jackhammering at 6am.)

My story...

I need to write about this now because it’s so fresh... I have so many other things to be doing right now, but this will be a mini-session of therapy. Some of my friends have asked and I am really not good at keeping my emotions hidden. I know that my story is only one sided… and I hope anyone who reads this would know that too. That all I can do is account for my feelings and the conversations I have retained. I almost feel silly writing about it… like I am going through a painful divorce or a death… and I guess in some ways it could be looked at that way. I pray this doesn’t come off dramatic and I pray that as I write this I will be humble and transparent.
It honestly began very simply, as all things do. I had asked him to do something one morning while I was at bible study and he told me he was too busy. I snapped back with, “I always have to do operational things; it’d be nice if you could do this just once.” The thing is, I have run the operational side of our business since day one, and that is not my passion. I love to do sales and deal with people… not make excel spreadsheets and fill out countless forms. Apparently, I was a bitter that I was the one doing the dirty work throughout our business. This sent him into a fit of rage and he began to question everything I have done in the last four months. Since I was at church and not willing to have the discussion in the bathroom, I continuously repeated (as he yelled at me) that I had to go and eventually hung up on him.
He emailed me some nasty thing basically questioning what I do all day, informing me of how busy he is and that he has worked so hard for me to have everything and ending with an ever so powerfully guilt-ridden, “And this is what I get.”
I read the email a couple times. I was hurt but realized I still had stuff that needed to be done and that he was angry. I let it go and went in the office. We barely spoke. The next day came and it was only a simple greeting that was exchanged. He finally turned to me and said, “Are you ready to talk about this?” I asked him if there was something to discuss, that I read his email and his points and that I wasn’t planning on responding and fighting with him over email. He responded that he was disturbed with the fact that I didn’t want to respond. I felt and still feel, that I do not need to defend myself, nor do I need to answer his irate questions or respond into a ‘measuring contest’. He began to get really angry with me and called me a variety of names, all along the lines of selfish, greedy, inconsiderate and questioned my relationship with Christ. He told me that I have changed (I am proud to say I have), that my priorities are way off and he can’t believe that I would call myself a Christian. As much as I tried to remain silent in the accusations, I was quick (and wrong) in defending my faith and then questioned his. He claims to love my same Jesus and yet can be giving in so many ways, but his words didn’t reflect it. I didn’t believe him. He argued that his life more reflected a Christian life than mine and I said “Not if you are having pre-marital sex and living with your girlfriend.” He denied it and I reaffirmed that she had repeatedly spoken to me about these things. I’d like to emphasize repeatedly.
After being yelled at twice by others’ in the office, and realizing that it was going nowhere fast, I told him that he could say what he pleased but that I was done arguing. I turned back to my computer and went back to work. He continued calling me names and accusing me and questioning my character. I simply responded, “If you truly believe all those things, why on earth would you want to be in business with me?” He couldn’t believe I would bring that up, responding with, “It’s when you say things like that…” and assumed me a quitter for bringing that up. I’m not sure if it was just that he was irritated that I had ignored him or was so angry but he ended up leaving, but not before muttering, “I can’t believe I didn’t see your true character”. It was about 11:00am.
I calmed down, thought and prayed about the situation. I sat and wrote him a pretty lengthy email about the way he manipulated and spoke to me, how he treated me, about throwing Jesus in my face and his ability to remember everything I ever did wrong and bring it up as ammo whenever he felt necessary. I could have easily given him a list of all the things I have done in the past 4 months that he was too ignorant to see… but I figured it wouldn’t do much at this point.
I ended my email with this, “I admit that I have not given my all to this business through its entirety. I admit that I am not most productive when I am working from home. I also admit that I have taken advantage of the fact that I have the free will to do whatever I please throughout the work week. I am sorry for doing that and letting you down. There are things that I will undoubtedly work on if we decide to continue this business together. But in return, I will need you to recognize and work on some things as well. If you do not trust me or really think these things that you express about my character…then please do not be in this partnership with me. I do not want to be in a partnership with anyone who feels the way that you have expressed you feel about me. Please let me know if this is what you wish to do and we will discuss how we will split.”
His response was, “So much of that is babble I have not even read it. Insanity more so. You spent more time writing that than ever working the past four months. Always complaining about the office, something always. I was just the last to see the obvious. I love what Jesus represents and I will continue walking towards him…Remember how you asked if I would tell you what Damian won, if anything. I remember that look on your face, a look of greed. I gave you the shirt off my back, and I was blind to character. You are beyond selfish. I always thought of you first. You are bitter and angry with me and I can’t fathom why, or maybe it is something weird. I don’t know how I was so wrong but I hope Jesus can help us get through this.”
Oh buddy, we both need Jesus so much right now. There are so many things I could write right now to defend the things he said, but honestly, I am not worried about defending myself. I am exhausted over trying to defend myself, and am resting in the fact that the Lord will defend me.
The weekend went by and I spent a lot of time reflecting on the situation and just thinking. I had some conversations (limited ones…) about it and expressed to my Dad that I wish I wouldn’t have ever been in a partnership- that I had listened to him from the beginning. I told Maria that I wish he would just opt to be bought out…that I would not regret buying him out, that I may regret having him stay. Maria gave me insight in the way he was talking to me, the names he was calling me and that if it were any other relationship (and still really is…) it would be considered verbal abuse. She was right, but I had given him so much slack after his accident… when he punched and dented his car after yelling at me… I was just glad that he was alive.
Monday I worked from home and we emailed about meeting on Tuesday. We worked normally in the office together and I had thoughts that it would work! Before the meeting, I wrote down some notes about my thoughts so I wouldn’t get lost in his manipulation like I so often did. I printed out the emails to reference if he didn’t recollect saying something. We sat down in a public place. He reiterated the way he thought about me…I asked him for specific situations and how I could make it better. I was listening, I was peaceful and I was calm. He attacked me over and over, told me the means things people-my friends and family included- had said to him. This continued and I patiently listened. He wouldn’t give me specific examples for each of his accusations… or more than one or two things he had repeatedly brought up… I told him that if we are going to continue this business relationship, that it was important so I would know.
He quickly responded, “I don’t want to be in this relationship.” I asked if he wanted to be in this business relationship and he said no. I asked him what the options were. It seemed so simple sitting at the table. Okay a,b,c or d. Well, I nixed a,b, and d. The only option left is for me to buy him out. He wanted to split the book and I reminded him that he didn’t have the appropriate credentials/licensing to take over half. He said with 60 days, he could figure it out. I told him things would get too messy in that amount of time. Then he seemed to backpedal for a moment. He said, “Alright well if we can’t agree, then lets just get back to work.”
?!?!?!?!
Unfortunately, I do not have the short term memory loss ability that you have been awarded and I cannot and will not forget these things you have said to me. I agreed to option C and we will go from there.
He asked if I would draw up the numbers and spreadsheets in order to present him an offer. Because I know he is incapable of doing so (operationally incompetent), I told him I would be happy to. I went back to the office and started changing all the passwords, looked at the bank account and literally thought; he would never take it that far. But I was wrong.
He walks back into the office and tells me he took out $1500 from the bank account, to match the amount I had been paid the month prior. (Per our agreement, I took out the amount to pay my bills and then we both got the same amount of ‘spending’ money. He doesn’t have any bills since he lives with his mother or girlfriend and received a car for free after his accident.) If we would have discussed this… it would have been a totally different story. But he just took it and smirked back into his chair.
The next hour is sort of blurry, but I know he was still very angry. I was praying through the entire time that I would have peace and strength from God and love him like Jesus. This was pretty exhausting! He was giving me a file here and there, I walked over to his desk as he was to the side and said I need to get something off your computer (almost ALL our company info is in his computer and I wanted to send myself our client tracking spreadsheet). He grabbed the mouse from my hands and literally pushed me (his elbow met my ribs) out of the way. He called me a few names that I would not want to repeat and I exclaimed, loud enough for all to hear, “Don’t push me Lawton, you can’t push me like that!” I asked if he would do us both a favor and just leave. He said he wouldn’t, so I went in to talk to Fred and we agreed that he would just ask us both to leave. When Lawton saw Fred, he said he would leave in 5 minutes and that he was sorry. He played on his computer awhile longer and cleaned out most of his desk. He continued to make comments here and there and I continued to not respond. He finally left.
So now I sit exhausted, with a lot of work and a long road ahead of me. I am feeling peaceful about it and knowing that this is all in God’s plan. I have said many times that the people that come and go in our lives often accomplish exactly what they are supposed to. As I write this, I recognize that if Lawton had not been injured, I would probably still be living the damaging life that I was once living. Since I find great joy in analyzation and often try to analyze God (even though I know I can’t figure You out!) I am left thinking that we were apart of this business together so that I would devote my life back to Christ… and that his time in my life is done. I trust that God is in control of my life, my business and even my relationships. I know that God has this all under control.
I know it’s hard to ever imagine me as a battered woman. I am not claiming to be so… but I can say that he would verbally abuse me and I was blind to the fact of it. I believed the lies that he would feed me and became discouraged because of it. I can see the big picture now and I will run toward getting this business and my life back into shape. I pray that I will continue to love him like Jesus and be respectful and civilized. I pray that he will do the same, but I am prepared for all the persecution that may come my way.
Praying for peace, strength and contentment,
Alicia

Be strong and courageous...

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Russia has been on my heart... since before I went to Haiti.

There is a group from my church that visits Nalchik, Russia twice a year. They speak at a business school to young Russians who want to learn the American way of business. It is an incognito type of mission trip that doesn't preach the Gospel unless really approached.

I was initially interested in going when Josh had emailed a bunch of girls about going this past Spring- I mentioned it to Jennifer who was going and tried to get me to go but I didn't have my passport and then couldn't get my visa in time. I sat with Pam in her living room days before I left for Haiti expressing my interest and receiving her encouragement. I talked with April about it and we prayed for my God-sized vision...

After coming back from Haiti, I mentioned it to my women's Crew and Lynn suggested the upcoming trip in October. (I hesitated and said I probably couldn't afford it...) I told Jennifer, again, that I was interested and she jumped on the idea! I consulted my sister- hoping she would not allow it! I made excuses about the date not working (missing a wedding to shoot, missing Maria's birthday, and it being only a few months after these other summer trips). Jennifer emailed me about a week ago and I responded with... I'll pray about it.

But in my heart, I know God told me to go. He showed me the people of Haiti... the people of New York and worked within my heart. That, along with amazing teachers in my life, made it so clear what the Lord's call of my life is... and my responsibility to live it out.

I asked Lynn to come over early last night to talk to me about Russia... the activities and just see if she had some sort of wisdom to offer me... She answered my loads of questions and then asked what my fears were. I replied,

1. Finances...raising support to pay for the trip. I thoroughly do not enjoy asking for money... but the Lord is humbling me in this.

2. Skepticism and gossip...this has been made clear to my partner, Lawton. I was worried what others and even clients would think knowing that I was on my third "vacation" in 5 months.

3. Safety...apparently, Lynn read (and shared) awhile back the in the southern area of Russia, North American women have frequently been kidnapped. The area is mainly Muslim and not reached for the name of Christ and therefore we could get in trouble for speaking about Jesus...I cannot tell people that I am there as a missionary.

Lynn made great points. She told me that God would not pull through with finances if He didn't want me to go...reminded me of the way He came through and taught me a powerful lesson with Haiti. She insisted that I should not care or worry what others think... as long as I am working hard in my responsibilities at work and focus on what God thinks of my work. She continues to tell me that she "doesn't feel danger" when she is there (right, Lynn, that's reassuring). She asks most importantly, did God tell you to go? I respond boldly, He did. ...but maybe I could wait for the next go around? She asks me my favorite Blackaby phrase... Delayed obedience is what, Alicia?

Disobedience.

So I tell her I'll keep praying about it. And I pray, and I pray for clarity and wisdom, that God would make it so unmistakeably clear to me.

This morning, I read my devotional, God Calling, and today, July 14 it is written:

'True Success' (Which is funny in itself if you know me, because thats what I think is really what I want out of life.)

Rejoice indeed that you see My Hand in all the happenings and the keepings of the day. Protected, the Israelites crossed the Red Sea; so are you protected in all things.
Rely on this and go forward. You have now entered upon the stage of success. You must not doubt this. You must see this. Beyong all doubt you must know it. It is true. It is sure.
These last few weeks have been the submerging before the consciousness of rescue. Go forward now and conquer. Go forward unafraid.

-----

Okay, I got it... finally.
So, trusting in the Lord wholly, I am being obedient and moving forward with the trip to Russia, October 16-25. Please pray that God would prepare me for this trip- my heart and the plans to be made. Pray for the fears that I have... that I would continue to trust in the Lord with all my heart... and that I would be strong against any attack that may surface. Pray that the hearts of Russia would be open and eager to learn about what makes us 'different'. Please pray for all those who may read this, that they may see just a glimpse of how intimate Jesus Christ can be... and that they long for that relationship too. Above all else, pray that God be glorified through this entire process. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support... I hope that you find this note an encouragement.

I once was lost...

God is teaching me so much right now.
Almost too much... or I think its too much. I am not a quitter. But I have come to realize that when too much is going on, or there are too many lessons being poured into me at once or too many things to pray for... that it has become easier to just tune it out. Take notes and 'hear' it but not listen to it. Of course I look at this as a competitor and call myself a quitter. That I am not willing to press on- to persevere. I try to think about all the things He is teaching me... thinking that I must organize the lessons I am learning and write out the prayers I have... but that doesn't seem like a relationship. That seems like school work.
How am I approaching what the Lord is teaching me?
I love being fed... through multiple weekly ministries... through multiple women and men in my life that pour into me. I'm not sure if I allow God to teach me as much as I allow His people to teach me... or if I count it as the same.
I know right now that God is teaching me a lot about where I came from. A lot about the lost girl I once was. Showing me that I am still such a sinner, but that through Christ I am forgiven.
I feel discouraged. I feel alone. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I shouldn't be having a public pity party... but then again it is probably good for me to be a tad vulnerable.
I think I will go make a list... my ultimate earthly therapy.

Habitual

I have this horrible habit of stressing out over not updating my blog because I have so much to catch up on. And not having enough time to catch up on everything so continuously putting it off...
Some huge things have been happening in my life that I will catch you up on... just not now. However, I will bullet point my list so that I remember.

• Haiti
• Camp Mission
• Finding my worth
  
• Renee and Libby leave
• Fathers Day
• Maria Glassford Photography
• Lawton gets Facebook
• A season of death
• Learning about me through others
• Growing through changes
  

So those are some past things that I will bring up in the near future.
But for now, I have to write.
This weekend I am going to a wedding.
I was unable to bring a date to the wedding at the request of my dear friends, Lauren and Fred, the bride and groom. They initially told me it was because of money and not having their guest number double with dates. AND THEN, I become informed that I am being set up.
So not only am I going to a wedding, but I am going to a wedding alone, and I have a blind date?!
And he already knows about me. But scratch that date thing, because this is not a date.
So I had to buy a new dress. I went before Crew tonight and was in a pinch for time. I tried on probably 20 dresses. And I was shopping alone, which I never do. I usually shop with my sister because she is really honest with me and doesn't let me go overboard (cue my next statement). I bought 7, yes, SEVEN, dresses tonight. I am hanging on to the fact that I was in a time crunch so I couldn't decide on which one... but I am pretty sure I love ALL of them and just thought maybe I will return a few.
I'm excited to shoot the wedding as a guest and not as the photographer. I pray these two will delight in the Lord and hold true to the vows that they speak... that they take every moment in... and unite with a foundation of Christ.

OC(P)D

Wikipedia (which totally should have been on my top 10 list) has about a three paragraph definition of OCD... so I just picked and chose which parts are applicable to me.
Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by involuntary intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.

And after reading that... add depression to my list of ailments.

Luckily after further examination, I have come to realize that this is more 'me':

Obsessive–Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder which involves an obsession with perfection, rules, and organization. A person with OCPD may feel anxious when they perceive that things are not "right." This can lead to routines and "rules" for ways of doing things, whether for themselves or their families.

I think it is perfectly normal to have things organized. However, the extent of my organization is sometimes crazy.

Amanda came in town yesterday purely to go shopping within my clothes for a weekend in Atlanta. I was excited for this stint of AAA time. However, as she was rummaging through my closet, trying on my shoes and experimenting with my jewelery... I was left... stressed an anxious. Here are a couple of situations that drove me up the wall...

-Apparently not everyone hangs up their clothes all facing in the same direction (why? I don't know.)... so as I went through my closet today finding backwards shirts... I was increasingly irritated.
-I color code my shoes... and face them toward me, so I see the front of them when standing, facing my closet. I also have 2 closets, one with 'Shoes frequently worn' and the other with 'Shoes only worn for special occasions'. Lets just say my killer red slingbacks do not belong next to my Jessica Simpson everyday black pumps.
-I fold my shirts a certain way, like a retail worker with a board. Do not fold the shirt in half, or down the middle.... do not pass go, do not collect $200.
-I separate my pajama pants and boxers. They do not mix, they are pants and shorts. Its easy.
- They came over after I went to church and ate food, emptied pitchers and left things out...
-(Disregarding the closet issues) She was pouring a glass of water and was putting it in a red wine glass. I stopped her and told her there were clean glasses in the dishwasher. She poured water in a stemless white wine glass instead. Le Sigh.
-Amanda slept on the couch... where I was folding laundry previously. When we woke up I asked her which couch she slept on and she immediately responded, "Big couch, folded clothes transferred to the ottoman and socks are on the floor. I will put it all back where it was."

I am left a little more frustrated with myself rather than with them. I replayed all these events in my head and have come to the conclusion that I am crazy. Like if she doesn't want to drink out of a water glass and a wine glass instead- who cares?! Is it hurting me? It was blatantly obvious to them as well, like Amanda was done drinking out of a coffee cup this morning and asked where she should put and and apologized for leaving a spoon out. I don't want my friends to feel uncomfortable when they are here... and I probably missed out on a better time because I was too busy stressing out over something left in my sink or on my counter top.
All these things kind of remind me of when I would stay with my Grandma Louise. She was so particular about how anything was in her home... to the extent of, when the grandchildren were in town, we had to stay in the basement (which was finished... just not filled with grand pianos or antique furnishings) rather then upstairs with everyone else. I don't want to be like this as a host or eventually as a wife and mother... How do I break my insane routine?

It's that time...

You are so lucky if you are reading today. Yes, its that time again. (I actually can't remember if I have ever done this but cheers to a new tradition.) Drum roll please.

It's time for the... Ten Favorite Things list.

This is where I blog about some things in my life that I am really, really enjoying. (Hold for applause) (if you can think of a better title, please let me know)

1. Lysol All Purpose Cleaner with Bleach! (call me a nerd)
Seriously, I spray this stuff everywhere. It unsticks anything, removes juice stains on counter tops. Its amazing and I use it constantly. Don't judge me.

2. The book of James.
This book won't stay away from me. But I have learned, rather than fight it, just dig deeper. Although it is only 5 chapters, it is so much information and its kicking my butt. I am really excited to finish thoroughly dissecting each and every verse...

3. My friends.
Since two of my bf's are moving away from me in the next month, I have really been focusing on how much each of my friends mean to me. Albeit, I have had to defend myself a time or two about the amount of bf's I have, I would stand up for each and every one of them.

4. Photography
I did a photo shoot with Renee and Chris yesterday and it was a ton of fun! I really enjoyed working with them and I cannot wait until the wedding on Friday! Check out the photos!

5. Living Alone
I wish I could express in words how much I love, love, love, love, love living alone. I love my adorable apartment and the 'mine' I have made it in. I love that my girlfriends just stop over and hang out whenever they want. I love being a host and I actually love to clean...


6. Sleepovers
Sleepovers are like the ultimate girl time. Ultimate. I have had the privilege of having multiple sleepovers lately and I love the time I get to spend with my girlfriends... or lying in bed and just aimlessly talking until someone falls asleep. [Hopefully] I will not be single forever, so I better have my girls sleepover while I can!
(I'm not afraid of sounding like a weirdo here... sleepovers are fun.)

7. Being a bridesmaid
Tiff is planning for her wedding and I love to help her. I am lucky to be a her bridesmaid and her only local bridesmaid-which means I have a lot of responsibility. I am enjoying looking at venues, flowers, dresses, guest lists, the whole bit! Not to mention having a better excuse of getting together!

8. Soccer
I was playing about twice a week before our season just ended. Our summer season starts the end of May and I am looking forward to our team. Sunday soccer still ensues and is something I take a lot less seriously.

9. New Traditions
I have been hanging out with a friend of mine that I have known my entire life but we have never really been close. Until now. We share in a lot of the same activities and are really growing our friendship. We attend many of our nightly activities together and are in the process of forming new, fun traditions. Like sleepovers, dairy queen, DBN and chick-fil-a (the constant food theme may or may not be the strength of our friendship).

10. Yankee Candles
I love good smelling things, which we all do, right? But lately I have been obsessed with lighting my candles (holding a special place in my heart for my long lasting, great smelling Yankees). My favorite scent right now is Vanilla Lime, its a great citrus summery scent and it matched the green in my guest bathroom perfectly!

I want to do something amazing.

I just don't know what it is supposed to be, yet.

I used to want to do something amazing, be known for something amazing, die for something amazing... purely for my own glorification. Now, I want to do something amazing to honor and glory God.

I have so many passions. I have so many goals, so many dreams... and yet so many fears.

Where will you put me God? Where will you call me? Where will you use me?

I love children, my friends, my family, learning about God, having a business, working, writing, playing soccer, photography, meeting new people, taking a stand...

I trust that God is good and that he has a plan. I trust that he will unfold it at the exact right time... until then I will wait. I will enjoy the passions in my life... and wait. Wait for his word, wait for his command.

Trusting, Loving, Beautiful, Anxious anticipation...

A reading from the book of Alicia.

I was going through my journal today and came across some very interesting excerpts.

An entry from 12-30-2007 (My journal is blue with the word Believe on it- ironically I was not walking with God when I began...)

---So I recently moved and found this journal. Ironic because I'd say one of my biggest weaknesses is believing, trusting and just plain faith. For some reason I can believe/trust someone I hardly know, but someone close to me and even with myself- it gets a little more complicated.
I have lots of dreams. I dream of my career, husband, wedding, children- just my future. I've been titled high maintenance once or twice (OR A LOT) and I've realized that I am this way for myself. I am high maintenance because I deserve the best. Because I believe my Dad, Mom and sister when they tell me I can do anything I want. So I expect to. And fully intend to. Its time to take control over everything in my life- not just the easy parts.
A new year is upon us and as usual I have a ton of plans/goals/dreams. More than anything, I want to have it all together.---

Little did I know how my world would be rocked in 2008. Phew! What a year it was! My attitude is so funny...so much my past... so in control... so confident. I was ready to hold the world in my hands. Luckily, the Lord broke me... and I am so thankful for that.

Here is an entry from 11-24-2008

---Dear God,
Today they are speaking of shattered dreams in my devotional. I am so thankful that it is so hard for me to come up 2 or 3. Mike may have broke my heart, but I honestly don't know if I would have ever come back to you, had our relationship ensued. My parents divorced when I was 6, I can't truly say that broke my heart. My grandma Louise and great grandma Mackey passed away buy they were in pain and ill, so I know it was better off. I have experienced a lot of trials, but I would never think that i have had impeccable sufferings. My blood disease psoriasis has been extremely...bothersome- but I am alive and able to live a normal life. My family and friends are heatlhy and there for me. And the only really bad things in my life right now, I am slowly getting rid of. I am leaving the house with Brooke and Brittanee; Outback is scheduling me less and I am still surviving. I have an office and great roommates. Lord, thank you for not shattering me and allowing me to see the good in my past situations. Thank you for answering my prayers- either the way I preferred or not. Thank you for constantly changing my heart, teaching me and being so evident in my life. You are so good to me. Help me to be a better witness to your name, to be a better friend and family member and partner. Keep teaching me and reminding me that I am a work in progress. Thank you for your will and having a far better plan than I could ever imagine- let me live it!---

I love looking back and seeing how God has answered my prayers, matured my faith, deepened my knowledge and strengthened my relationship with Him. I am definitely a work in progress...

A relational God.

I try to explain to my non-believing friends about how God speaks to me. I am sure it doesn't always come out clear and/or makes me look crazy. However, I have become totally content with the crazy card. I find refuge in these little sufferings for the Lord.

Here is another attempt at explaining a way that God spoke to me today:

A friend of mine / partner-if you will, recently called me out on a subject I was unaware she still had issues on. She did this not so tactfully and in front of other people. Other people that we are to lead, disciple and facilitate to... Obviously I was offended but wasn't going to make a fuss about it at that moment. I thought about mentioning something to her the next day and it kind of left my mind. After another week, she confronts my sincerity in an invite I had extended to her. [Because I am uber-sensitive] I am offended, but begin to search my heart. I realize that my pent up anger / hurt feelings must have been conveyed within my invitation.

Then, I do what I do best when a problem arises. I ask Renee for advice. But I kind of told her not to answer me... and that I really need to pray about it. Do I confront her and bring it all up again- mind you it was a minute comment she made and is probably very unaware of it- or do I just let it go- with hopes that it doesn't come back up again? I journaled about it last night and prayed for humility, a softened heart and the words to speak if that was His will.
This morning I got up and had my favorite time of the day- coffee and quiet time. I was reading in James (can't get outta this book!) 2 and it referenced a verse in Leviticus (19:18). So I start reading along in Leviticus, and suddenly, 19:17 jumps out at me:

"Do not hate your brother [/sister] in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt."

(And seriously, who reads Leviticus??)

Now, I understand this may not be as clear for everyone else as I read this, but when God speaks to you through scripture, something about those words just jump out at you... you recognize them, they convict you- tug at your heart, and they give you peace. I read this and my instruction was clear. I would like to clarify that I do not hate this sister of mine... but I do know that anger can grow within me and turn into hate. The truth is, she did something wrong- it hurt me, and I never even gave her the opportunity to make it right. God has made it clear to me what I should do and I will obey immediately.

Dear Lord, thank you for speaking to me this morning and answering my prayers so expediently. I continue to pray for humility as I speak to her. I pray that you would soften my heart as to not attack her, but to rebuke her and above all else to speak to her out of love. I am so thankful for your direction and I pray that you lead me and bless me throughout my day, allow me to be an example of your love and to glorify you in all that I do.

James. Chapter One.

The book of James is all around me right now. Every facet in my life... I cannot run from it! This week it was in two Crew's and we've been going through it at Summit. During my quiet time today I was praying about it and praying the God would show me exactly what He wanted me to see in it. So I started going through it myself (since I've really only gone through it in small groups or at church), and there is so much there! Not to mention I have underlined words and notes scribbled everywhere. (I almost need to read it through a different bible just so I can go in with a clear head.) It is really overwhelming all the great things in James.
I started at the beginning, and there are a couple verses that really stand out to me- and of course I added my opinions and notes...

-because you know the testing of your faith brings perseverance. (v.3)
I have come from a place where defending my relationship with the Lord was frustrating to a place where I find joy in explaining myself and speaking about Christ. I know this first hand... through trial and test, I have come out much stronger. I can now laugh at persecution and smile when people make fun of me for being a 'little church girl who follows all the rules.'
-he who doubts is like a wave of sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (v.6b)
I meditated on this verse for awhile. I definitely do not want to be a wave, unstable and tossed by the wind. I want people to see Christ's strength in me- to see that I stand on the Rock of Jesus... this is not something I have attained... but moving closer and closer every day.
-God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone (v.13b)
Its funny, because I know I have gotten this mixed up before. Discerning between the accuser's temptation and the Lord's testing is something that I am always learning.
-Then, after {evil} desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (v.15)
-The evolution of death... ironic I know. Where does desire come from? What is the source of your desire?
-Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (v.17)
Mmm, stability... something I long for. It is great reinforcement that every good and perfect gift is from above... I did nothing to deserve it.
-Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to be angry. (v.19)
I have plenty to say about this one... but not a lot of action. Let's just say I need to blow this up into poster size and put it every wall in my house. Or perhaps tattoo it on my face... or I just need to see it frequently.
-Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. (v.21)
I love this. This is like the theme verse for my life. I can see myself just peeling off the moral filth... and living in the word that I have inside my heart- which will save me- which has saved me. There have been many times where I could have fallen, but because I have the word in my heart (and the Holy Spirit of course) I am able to make the decision to not fall, not stray and to stand firm.
-Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. DO WHAT IT SAYS. (v.22)
I take this more like when God is speaking to you, either through the Holy Spirit or through the word. If I could do something over again, it would be to be obedient to God's instructions. One particular instance in my life where I was partially obedient (and very late as a matter of fact) haunts me. I should have talked to her more about it. I should have been stronger in my confrontation. I should have sought a higher counsel. I should have talked to her sooner. What I have learned is that when God speaks to you, do it now and do it completely. Do what it says. Seriously, just do. what. it. says.
-Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (v.27)
Does God accept my 'religion'? Is the religion I live out pure and faultless? Am I involved in religion or a relationship? Easily mistaken... but visible in your heart.

... and that's just the first chapter! That is like the cliffnotes version. (Not going to lie here, but I am thankful the book of James is only 5 chapters.)

This is the way my partner thinks...

So we (Lawton and I tagged teamed) saved this woman about $8,000 a year for her insurance policies. This woman is an obgyn... so she really didn't even realize she was paying a ridiculous amount of money.
Lawton says to me today, "We saved her a new boat every year for her insurance, she should deliver one of your babies for free... in 15 years."

I thought it was funny.

Quick Update

In my favorite thing: A list (with bullet points-yay!).

• I went a Monster Truck Show this weekend. Don't judge me. (And I had fun. Kind of. Okay, the company was great.)
• Extreme Makeover: Crew Edition=FM Women's Crew and our introduction to all the changes went over without a hitch! It was a fabulous evening and we had 12 girls! I was so excited and I cannot wait to see what the Lord will be doing with this group in the future.
• I have had such great times with my girlfriends this week... and there is still so much more to come!
  
• I am getting to the point where I am burning out and feeling sick and not able to get better (this is a usual occurrence for me and my body's response when I am doing too much!)
• I may or may not be thinking about giving something in my schedule "up" but have no idea how I will decide...
  
• I am going to Metro Cross Seekers tonight (a young adult group at McGregor Baptist church). I have never been there and I am interested in seeing how it is... plus I am going with some amazing girls that I can't wait to spend time with!
• Had lunch with my Dad, sister and brother today. I love moments like this where I look up and realize how lucky I am that I live near all my family. Not to mention that we like each other enough to get together.
  
• My house is so settled... with exception of my second bedroom which has become a storage unit.
• I was semi (think not even like half)- asked out to lunch on Sunday by a guy at church. And I was sorta freaked out. Like scared. What has happened to me and will I ever really be ready to date? Will God give me peace when its a good time or is it okay for me to just be a freak?
  
• Work is so busy!!
  
• I am so looking forward to a Kentucky Derby Party this weekend. Picture this: girlfriends, dresses, heels, BIG HATS, cocktails and good food. Blissss.

And I shall leave you with this.

"Therefore, prepare you minds for action: be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ' Be holy, because I am holy.' "
1Peter 1:13-16

Ramblings.

Last night I had a little cocktail party and a couple of my dear friends came over. Renee came over early and helped make food and put things on my wall. I have a ton of photographs that are framed. We were going through them all and it is funny to think of how far I have come since I probably put those pictures in the frames. Or how far we have all come.
[Translation. "How far I have come"= How many of these people I never talk to anymore. "how far we have all come"= the clothes, hairstyles and men we have disposed of since...]
Either way, I am in desperate need of updating my photos.I still have my best friends from high school that I will be friends with forever. But I have made a few new close friendships and met a lot of great people over the past year. It's weird to think that my friends from Crew have only been my friends for a year. I have met a lot of amazing people, got really close with a couple people and gained a best friend and accountability partner out of the group. I am excited to see what God has in store with this mission trip to Haiti in June.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. So I had some of my girlfriends over and ended up staying up late with Tiffany and Jen talking about photography. I took two years of photography class in high school. I know what a good shot looks like and can critique a photograph. Obtaining a good shot is a different story. I am loving being behind the camera. And I feel like between Jen and Tiff and Maria, I am getting a MAJOR crash course in order to be prepared for May 8th. May 8th is the date when Maria and I are shooting a wedding together in Bonita. I am excited. And super nervous/anxious/down right scared. This is some girls wedding day and I am partially responsible for making sure her moments are captured. Maybe I'm in over my head.

Operation OBC Day One

I kinda started big for day one.
Well actually, it got to 9pm and I had not done anything all day so I went to my back up plan. It was probably the one thing I told Hallie I would accomplish in this thirty days and since I had nothing else I did this.
So there is this guy in Crew that talks to me all the time. He kind of gravitates towards me at any and every event. He constantly chats me on facebook. He came to my birthday party. (The last one doesn't seem huge, its just that only my close family and friends were there early and he was too. Then I kind of ditched him when we went somewhere else, which was awful of me.) I have had numerous people make jokes out his 'attraction'. I felt obligated to nip this in the bud. (Mostly because I have been known to make up relationships in my head and I didn't want this guy doing the same thing.)
So I did what only a respectable girl like myself would do.
I facebook chatted him.
First, I apologized for my birthday and the whole ditch thing. He told me he tried to get my number from my friend who was still in spot A but she wouldn't give it out (that's loyalty). He said he had kind of forgotten about it until now. (phew)
[Now was the hard part, how do I bring this up without making him feel dumb or me look like a total idiot- I had a knot in my stomach.] So I said, I also want to say I hope I didn't ever string you along. And he questioned what I was talking about. I mentioned a couple things that would lead me to believe what I believe (including him telling my friend that he has been "working on 'this' for months"). He justified. I said I just wanted to clarify and make sure there were no miscommunications. He told me if he wanted to ask me out, he would, ask me out. Okayyyy.
So I kind of felt like an idiot. For a second. And then realized defense is defense, you play as hard or as dirty as you want. I sure would. Then, I felt liberated. I felt so good that this wasn't hanging over my head and I wouldn't have to cringe every time he was around thinking he might be thinking something else.
Either way, it was an awkward situation, but I did it, got through it and feel great!
Day one felt great and I am off to today's challenge...

OBC

Out of the Box Challenge hereinafter will be known as 'OBC'.

My dear friend Hallie (whom I am so eagerly awaiting to visit in NYC for the fourth of July) and I were speaking this evening. At first glance, people would not think we are very much alike... and a lot of people who know us, probably don't think we are a lot alike. And we may very well not be... but we do have a different connection. A deeper one. I have known Hal since eighth grade (it was a great first impression- I was playing soccer in the rain and ran after a ball and slipped in a mud puddle in the neighborhood- and by mud puddle I mean ditch filled with muddy rain water). Over the years we have gotten increasingly closer. There were/are times where we can't stand each other. Actually probably at least once a visit. And I have just come to the realization that it is because we are so much alike.
We were both raised by crazy counselor mothers who would dissect our every thought. As a result, we are over-analytical, critical and left with severe emotional issues. When I act, I like to figure out why I act, why I react, what its "stemming" from and what sort of previous incident is greased to the bottom of this layered cake 'issue'. When I can't figure it out, I go to her. I tell her my issues and we unfold it together. She asks me the questions I have been locking in the back of my head. She doesn't tell me what I want to hear, she doesn't tell me anything really... she gives me the tools to figure it out myself. She is a great counselor.
We have different issues... I am an over-committer- enslaved to my 'priorities' or engagements, she is a flake- fleeting and unpredictable. She lives in New York City and I live in sunny consistent Fort Myers, Fl. She has endured pain and loss and administered strength- a reaction unimaginable for me. We have different beliefs- different views of God- different views of life.

There is a point, I promise.

So tonight she tells me she reads my blog and we are kind of whining about life and work and guys, etc. Then she says we need to push harder and step back from our everyday lives. (I was confused at this point too.) I ask my questions and she says, we need to try things we don't usually attempt (probably because we are too busy over-analyzing and if we truly come to a conclusion that its a good idea, the opportunity has escaped). We conclude to establish the OBC. Out of the Box Challenge will be a 30 day challenge to do something that requires us to step out of the box, feel awkward or out of place- at least once a day. No matter how big or small. We won't tell people about it, just blog about. And we will keep each other accountable, encouraged and find the lessons in the midst of the pain, stomach knots, and/or rejections. We're doing this and we are going to learn a lot... experience a lot... and hopefully step out with some new perspective.
This shall be interesting.

It's an age old question...

Can a man and a woman just be friends?

My best friend and business partner, Lawton and I are that. But people don't seem to believe it or accept it. I had a client the other day refer to him as my husband. We don't even have the same last name. Hello?
We talk about everything- from business to guys to girls to friends to God. But is it only a relationship that will be short-lived? Once I get married or he gets married will our friendship die and be focused more on a partnership? I feel like our partnership survives because we are such good friends. We really trust each other and we want the best for each other.
A lot of my friends will tease me and tell me that we'll end up marrying each other. And don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, I just can't imagine marrying him. (Even though I have been known to call him my work husband.)
I do know that having a partnership and a friendship with a man is great practice for marriage. It's deeper and different than having a boyfriend- there are money problems, disagreements, confrontations without fear of being dumped, compromises, and other experiences that have made him almost like part of my family.
If the answer is no, then my next question is why? Will my husband or his wife feel intimidated by our friendship? Since I doubt I have met my husband yet, will it threaten my husband that Lawton has known me longer or already knows my quirks, moods and buttons?
AND how will that work if him and I cannot maintain our friendship when I get married? When I get married, I don't want anything to take away from my marriage, so I will have to accept that... and what about the business? Why didn't these questions pop into my head before we became partners? And does it really matter?
Who knows the answers to these questions...I don't have an answer... and I really can't foresee an answer... Its all up to God and clearly isn't worth my worries...

Signature Style

As a business woman and the president of a company (I just made myself sound way cooler than I really am), I feel as though it is my job put myself in a position to stand out. I long to claim my femininity in an industry full of middle aged boring men. The CEO of a communications company once told me that I was different than what he though of as an insurance agent. That he pictured an insurance agent as a middle aged man (probably with a terrible suit) and dust within his wrinkles. I'll go ahead and add in that this man probably has salt-and-pepper hair, a boring leather briefcase and a diligent, lackluster personality. I am very, very, very far from that. I am young and fun, love fun clothes and suits, great shoes, have an adorable blue leather briefcase, I don't have wrinkles and have an...overwhelming personality! As we are approaching our 1 year anniversary as a company, I am mentally reviewing the many experiences, the life changing accident, the lessons and allllll the things I would do differently the next year.
Which leads me to my subject of the day, personal branding.
In The Devil Wears Prada (the book, not the movie), Miranda Priestly wears a Hermes scarf everyday. She incorporates it in her outfit in creative ways each day. Rev Run sends emails to his friends at the end of ever show as he lounges in a bubble bath surrounded by candles. Michelle Obama and Jackie Kennedy had their style of pencil skirts, sleeveless dresses and pearls (that was hard to describe, but you know their style). Serial killers are defined and named by the way they kill their victims or something they leave at the scene. Donald Trump has horrible hair and the "You're Fired" line. Lisa Sheppard of Remax has the picture of her around town with that awesome hat.
I googled personal branding and found this definition on Wikipedia:
Personal branding is the process whereby people and their careers are marked as brands.
I want a signature thing.
I was thinking something simple... something meaningful... or something not meaningful at all. Just something to do, before my company grows to be huge and I have lots of employees.
I don't necessarily want it to define me, but for someone to think, oh, she always does that.
I don't really have any ideas or suggestions and haven't figured out if I want it to be something in my signature, my emails or something I wear.
Regardless, it shall be fabulous.

Dear Staff

(my first all staff e-mail regarding new Accurate Insurance Agency regulations)

Dear Staff,

If you (man) come to the office without shaving your face, that gives me the idea that you probably showered and got dressed and came to work. If I (woman) took a shower, got dressed and came to work, I would have wet hair in a bun and no makeup on. Therefore, if it is 'acceptable' for you to come in like that, is it acceptable for me to come in without makeup and with wet hair?

I understand you don't like to shave. I don't like to spend 30 minutes blow drying and straightening my hair. I don't like spending 10 minutes on makeup (not to mention the thousands of dollars I spend...).

You think a three day beard looks sexy. You. are. not. Patrick. Dempsey. It looks sloppy and horrible with your nice button down shirt, pin-striped slacks or slightly homosexual square toed dress shoes.

Also, if you are too lazy to shave your face, you are probably too lazy to be a good insurance agent. (Which isn't the case, but is what I would think if you were trying to sell me something.)

Please wake up and realize this is unacceptable. Just as it would be unacceptable for me to come in straight out the shower.

Best Regards,

Management

Love You. Hate You.

I have a love / hate relationship with many things. (And come to think of it, people as well.)

One most recent relationship is working from home. I used to loathe working from home when I had roommates. Now that I live alone, it is much easier and enjoyable. I am trying to figure out my schedule for the next few months so that Lawton and I are on the same page, and I am really not sure how often I want to work from home. Lets do some Pros and Cons.

Pros:
I can sleep in an extra hour. I get to work in my pajamas. I can do my hair throughout the day and let it air dry. I don't have to put on make-up or shoes. I don't have obnoxious realtors in my ear. I don't smell Chinese, Mexican or fast food throughout the day. I don't have to deal with Lawton (in person). I can do laundry, watch tv (or dvd's since I don't have cable), listen (and sing!) to MY music as loud as I want, or clean in the midst of my day. I can cook or prepare my lunch and not worry about having salad dressing or silverware. I can light candles. I save $2 by not crossing over to Cape Coral. I save gas (and consequently, the world). I can workout on my lunch break (just throwing it out there...).

Cons:
I find myself on facebook far too much. I don't feel as "together" when I am not dressed. I don't have access to every file I may need. I can't print (although this isn't a HUGE deal but can be super annoying). I do laundry, or clean in the midst of my day, which distracts me. People seem to think that when I 'work from home' that means I have the day off and can babysit or go to lunch/coffee/hangout (mostly because I do those things...). I'm not as motivated. When I work from home I don't usually go outside all day... which leaves me feeling sad when its already too late. I am a slave to my phone.

I am really not sure if I figured anything out through that. Regardless, I had to put it out there...

Sorry I haven't returned your call.

My blog is like a friend of mine I haven't talked to in awhile. I keep thinking, I have to blog about this, I have to update! I wanna put this picture up! Its like my friend that keeps calling me and I am too busy to talk or return her call... I am just going to do a simple update in the form of a list.

-I love, love, love living alone. This was the greatest choice ever. I love the independence of it... how it allows me to be selfish... and its like my little escape. Not to mention is my ongoing project- I feel like I am at Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond every day buying something new!
-I am going to be a bridesmaid! And so it begins, one of my best friends just got engaged last Friday night. Tiffany and I have been friends since high school- I used to drive her to school every day Junior year (because she is 6 months younger than me). She has a daughter who is almost one (ahh!), Keegan. Keegan and I get to spend a lot of time together since I am one of Tiff's friends that can actually take care of children (thanks Maria). Keegan is my "pseudo niece" and only pseudo so I don't take anything away from my dear Kyla (I am a tiny bit partial)... but I am Aunt LeLe to her. I am the only local bridesmaid of Tiff's, so I know it is going to be some serious work, lots of fun, and great practice!
- Women's Crew is now at my house. My Monday night "bible study"/girls night in is now held at my house. There have been some changes within leadership and I am so pumped for the future of the group. I love being hospitable, albeit I allow myself to get way too stressed out.
- Accurate Insurance is a constant struggle. I haven't prayed enough about this... but we have gone through so many set backs, sometimes I get discouraged and wonder if this is truly what I should be doing. And other times, I think, these are just little hills, show perseverance Alicia and it will be so worth it in the future. Either way, it is hard.
- Outback is okay. I love working like 1 night a week. But I rarely work that seldom- its usually 2 or 3 times a week. I know I am there for a reason, and I know its good for me to be around so many non-believers... I just get sick of working 60 hour weeks. Not to mention hearing language and talk about things that make my skin crawl.
- Maria has started yet another business. She know has a photography biz, shameless plug, www.mariaglassford.com and I am hopefully going to be able to help her with it! It would be awesome to work with my sister in something like this that could be on the side and so fun!
- My babies keep growing, and I am not happy about it. Jonah is so big and he understands things... Carter is still the coolest kid around (and has been dubbed this by our entire church pretty much)... Kyla is such an adorable princess with quite the attitude and a love for boys (my girl!)... Kevin has a love for teaching- or telling you about things if you give him the opportunity, he will go on and on forever... Sean is such a loving boy, he's naive, caring and generous. As much as I hate to see them getting older, I can't wait to see the people they become. (And again, I can't imagine the love I will have for my own children, thinking of the LOVE I have for these five...)
- I am blessed beyond words. I was going to say with my friends and family, but realized I am blessed all around. I have the most amazing girlfriends, sister and Lawton. They are all so unique and different, I can't imagine them not in my life.
- I am loving my relationship with my mother and can't wait for season to end. My Mom and I are getting along great, and I really feel like she is becoming a friend... not as paranoid as before (or at least doesn't express it) and truly interested in learning more about me- in depths. I can't wait for season to end so my Dad isn't so busy and we can gallivant around on sunny summer days and go to lunch... I love the freedom he has during the summer.
- I am taking 4 trips this summer. Ahhhh! I will talk about this more later, but I am going to Wisconsin, Virginia, Haiti and New York City! (And most likely weekend visits to Ft. Lauderdale and Venice)
- I am starting to focus on my habits... eating habits, exercise habits, cleaning habits, hygienic habits, working habits... and try to get my life to a place where I am content and at peace.
- I know more than I give myself credit for. It's amazing to me the verses and lessons that pop into my head when I am going through something or am searching for advice for a friend. I am at a place where God or the Word is the first thing I turn to when I am hurting or confused. Still working on this... but its great to look back at 5 months ago when I knew where nothing was in the Bible!
- Renee is really moving. I think. But probably won't know for another month. This has been a roller coaster ride in itself... God finally spoke to her and her husband this past week. That was HUGE answered prayer- Praise the Lord!

That's all I have for now. But there is more to come my dear friend, I've got a lot on my mind...

From the mouth of a 5 year old.

Hanging out with my niece Kyla is always hilarious. She has quite the personality and is so much like me, I just have to share the funny things she does (and sometimes embarrassing)!
This weekend we were leaving church, I saw a friend of mine, said hello and proceeded to walk the kids to the car with Maria. I was saying goodbye and the friend of mine was standing like 4 cars away from us. Kyla kept yelling at him about his pink shirt (she's feisty... just like me), then turns to me and says, "LeLe, do you want to marry him?" and before I can even respond, a light goes off in her ever-working head and she says, "I found a guy for you!" Like this was her accomplishment. (Granted, I do tell her to find LeLe a husband...) She then tells me to just go over and ask him. Okay Ky. I'll get right on that.

This evening, Kyla and I were playing memory. Somehow we got on the topic of her wanting a sister. She kept saying it wasn't fair that Ellie, her friend, had 2 sisters and she didn't have any. It wasn't fair that she has to have only brothers that are mean to her (as if sisters are not mean. ha, if she only knew). So then I decided to bring up that maybe one day she could have a sister and she quickly responded that Mommy is not going to have anymore babies. I told her maybe she would change her mind and that we could pray about it. She said okay, go ahead (okay... now works, I guess).
Me: Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for my beautiful family and the time we are able to spend together. Lord, you know I love Sean, Kevin, Kyla, Carter and Jonah
Kyla (interjecting): BUT!
Me (getting to the point): but... Kyla and I would really love for you to give her a sister. God, I pray that, if its your will, you would place it in Maria and Kirts heart to have another baby and to give Kyla a sister so that she can enjoy a relationship like Maria and I have. It's in your name we pray, Amen.
Kyla (sure of herself): So...what did God say?
Me (laughing): Well, we will just have to wait and see... but it may take a long time to answer our prayers... but he will.
Kyla (sighs): Okay.

There are a lot of these interviews with children rolling around and since I do not have kids, I interviewed Kyla. Here are the questions and answers. Hilarious.

1. What is something lele always says to you? i love you.
2. What makes lele happy? when i run to her when she comes to pick me up
3. What makes lele sad? boppa doesnt give her hugs
4. How does lele do to make you laugh? tickles me
5. What did lele like to do as a child? play with my mom
6. How old is lele? I dont know. "Guess", (me). 16.
7. How tall is lele? 8 feet.
8. What is leles favorite thing to watch on TV? Football.
9. What does lele do when you're not around? she plays with herself.
10. If lele becomes famous, what will it be for? making someone happy
11. What is lele really good at? Playing soccer.
12. What is lele not very good at? football and baseball.
13. What does lele do for her job? types paper
14. What is your leles favorite food? chinese
15. What makes you proud of lele? when i jump to you
16. If lele was a cartoon character, who would she be? Cinderella
17. What do you and lele do together? Play the wii
18. How are you and lele the same? Were twins
19. How are you and lele different? God just makes us different.
20. How do you know lele loves you? Because you have a loving heart.
21. What does lele like most about mommy? because theyre sisters and are twins with the same outfit on.
22. Where is lele's favorite place to go? Busch Gardens and Disney
23. When is lele going to get married? When shes a big, big, big person and she finds somebody.
24. Who is going to be lele's husband? Anakin.
25. If you could do anything with Lele what would it be? Play football with her in my grass.

In other news

Since its been awhile, I figured I would give a brief update on my ever-crazy lifestyle. I decided to move out of Ashby's house as we all were preparing to move the end of April. Since I hate transition periods (anything grey is terrible, I am a black and white girl), I decided to get a move on. I found an adorable 2 bedroom condo to rent, in a great location that is close to everything and has a secluded feel. On my lanai, all I can see is woods. Literally, I cannot see any buildings... its amazing. I am pretty much living in a retirement community. I went downstairs the other day to find oxygen tanks sitting outside the condo below me, being traded out for new ones, I am sure. Joe, the man below me, has emphysema and tells me to "park the heels at the door". Apparently he can hear my stilettos through his ceiling. Sorry Joe. Kevin is always walking around our building. Anytime I go to leave, he pops out of somewhere... or yells at me for not closing the lid on the dumpster (it was open when I put trash in it- I just left it the way I found it- sorry!). (And not really yelling, I am just sensitive.) Peggy calls me Alicia Keys so she can remember my name. She has some blood flow/circulation problems in her legs. She is a sweet lady and wears awesome big sunglasses that I would totally buy. She also walks about 3 steps a minute, so I see her about once a day walking from her car to her condo.
I had a painting party to paint the interior, I got to pick out all the colors and had a great turn out. The place is adorable! I moved all my stuff in the second week of March- but I am still getting settled. I love living alone. I thought I might get lonely, but it is sooo nice.

I am working at Outback in Fort Myers which is going well. I like the people I work with and its great to work with people who I have never gone out and partied with before. So they don't expect me to always go out like I did with the people in Bonita. I am still pretty sensitive to how people talk and the content that talk about in the restaurant business... but I have to remember that God put me there for a reason and I just have to stand firm in Him!

Business is going well. Albeit taking an entire week off to move and celebrate, we are right on track for the month. I am ready to get back to it 100%... and get myself out of depending on anything from a second job. (But I may keep it anyway, for the ministering opportunity and the discount (:) I love what I do, education people, helping them, talking to them and having the freedom to work at 1am or not work till 11am. Its all good.

Everything is great in the fam front. My niece and nephews and just getting so big. Its crazy what they know... they are just a sponge for information. I am loving my sister and Kirt- as usual. Although I wish Kirt and I were closer. I know he is a great guy, but I rarely get to spend time with him because I am either with the kids and my sister, taking my sister away from the kids or with the entire family. I think that our respect for each other is growing... not that we were ever lacking, but it is growing.

My birthday was amazing- as usual! Birthdays are a BIG deal to me... I had a girls dinner on the Saturday before and had like all my best friends (minus Hallie and Ilana) at the same table (which was kind of weird honestly). We went to Bar Louie after and danced all night long. It was a blast. My actual birthday was kinda of frustrating, but turned out fun! We went to Icabods which was out of control, then ate dinner at Outback, went back to Icabods and hung out with some of the coolest moms I know. It ended up being great.

Life is good. God is good. I am so thankful for the people in my life- my family, my friends, my associates... each in their own facet, none like the other. I am thankful for the bird feeder outside my lanai and the beautiful view and the church bells I hear that play songs from The Sound of Music. I am thankful for wine and great conversations with my girlfriends. I am thankful for my apartment. I am thankful for my business. I am thankful for the bible, my salvation and His grace.

Pray expectantly.

As a child, I was taught to not expect anything from anyone else but myself. That I could rely on nothing but my own capabilities (overly independent single mother... and you-can-do-anything-you-put-your-mind-to father). I have always had leadership qualities and an 'I can do it better on my own' attitude- some might call me a control freak. This train of thought really gets in the way when I am trying to depend on the Lord. But as he always does, He teaches me and proves to me how dependent He truly is-and I know He is dependent... I just am so earthly.

So the last week of the month entered in very quickly this past Monday. We get commission from our car insurance companies on the 5th and the homeowner companies on the 15th. So I pay my rent with our car insurance commission and other bills with the homeowners commission (those are my cuts at least). My partner, Lawton (otherwise known as my work husband) cares about and is always thinking of me and my stuff... So he comes to me Monday and says we only have 2 auto policies on the books for this month, there is no way we (hence, he says, we) can pay your rent with that. We really have to target auto this week. I agree with him, however, there are very few people that just get quotes and switch car insurance within a couple days. People switch at renewal unless you save them loads of money, or switch when their next payment is due. Another catch, we have to have the policies bound by the 27th in order to receive the commission by the 5th. So I call and text and facebook market, etc. AND I pray. I pray that God will either help me make a lot of money at my second job or bring my policies in order to pay my bills! I prayed for our company (something I do not do enough of, because I think I got it...) and Lawton....
And now today is Friday, the 27th. By the end of the day, I will have written 5 new policies this week- that alone will beyond cover my rent and utilities. How cool is that!?
Lawton's mother, who happens to be a an amazingly wise Christian woman, someone I look up to and receive MUCH advice from, always tells me to pray expectantly. This is a hard concept for me... but I am learning. The Lord is teaching me.... always teaching me- and I will continue to learn and learn and re-learn and re-learn. I love when God answers my prayers so specifically and I get to share these amazing experiences with my non-believing friends... God is so good.

"I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes."

Psalm 17:6-7

Quarter-Life Crisis.

So its clearly been awhile. I'm in a place where I don't really know what else to do but pray, write, analyze and talk about myself (typical).

I'm not even twenty-three and I think I am having a quarter-life crisis. Which makes sense, because I was always an early-bloomer. I shaved my legs before any of my girlfriends. I kissed a boy before any of my friends. I was the first of my friends to have a long, serious relationship. I started a business while all my friends were graduating college...

So I guess it makes sense for me to have a quarter-life crisis before my quarter-life. I'm not quite sure exactly when it happened, but I was driving home from West Palm Beach on Friday and just kind of thinking about life. My mind works so darn fast, so I got some 5 hour analyzing into a 2.5 hour drive. I cried more tears on Friday than I have in a long time. Probably since I found out Lawton was hurt. I just cried and cried and cried. There were multiple things triggering the tears and but all in all, I kept thinking about work and what I am doing to glorify God.

I am an insurance agent. I provide a service to people, to help educate consumers about what they are forced to purchase, ease the process of shopping, and save people money. I have analyzed my job before to see what type of missionary I am... and I think I can glorify God in doing this. But this thought keeps popping into my head and here is where I get confused and therefore antsy. I keep thinking, I have a heart for children, I have felt convicted so often about children in orphanages that don't have food or clean water or are being sold into a life of slavery or prostitution. I am not doing anything about this. Am I being disobedient? Then, I beat myself up over it, and then I wonder, is the devil accusing me? Or is the Holy Spirit convicting me?

I can't just put in my 2 week notice and pick up and move to Cambodia. I have a business (even if I didn't, I still doubt I could just move). I have clients that I have helped, that rely on me for their needs. I have openly (and stupidly) said, "I am so thankful that I had my business before I came back to Christ, so I didn't search through Him and wait for Him to tell me what to do." That line plays over and over in my head- Alicia! You idiot! Why wouldn't you want His plan!?! It's far greater than yours! I marvel in the way people can just pick up and move and follow God's calling. "I am so close to my family, I could never do that", I have said... I know that God isn't here to trick us or to make me eat my words. But I also know that God does test us. I just haven't quite figured out what the test is.

It probably is a test of faith... about going to God with my problems. I miss that so often in my walk. I try to figure it out all on my own.

"Are you the first man ever born?
Were you brought forth before the hills?
Do you listen in on God's council?
Do you limit wisdom to yourself?
What do you know that we do not know?
What insights do you have that we do not have?" Job 15:7-9

The book of Job has taught me so much about thinking I am in control and can do things on my own. Obviously, I am still learning to put it in play. Who do I think I am?!