So Emotional.

This may sound silly but I used to be a CRYBABY. I had friends who would laugh at me (Libby) when I would cry in movie. Any slight bit of sadness and bam! cut to me sobbing. Well, after breaking out of a 3 year relationship (in which I cried a lot, during and after) and getting over it all, I felt like I lost my emotional side. Things no longer brought tears to my eyes... little things I was able to enjoy and experience no longer affected me. Looking back now, I realize that I made myself numb to my emotions because the break up hurt soo bad (not to mention him knocking up a girl and having a baby within a year...but I am forgiving him for that, obviously). I could make it through the Notebook without even a slight eye-water. And I would yearn for it... like I would want to experience those emotions so badly.
I don't know when it happened, apparently gradually, as God usually works in my life, but I got my emotions back! I broke down yesterday in church, I cried while reading "Love You Forever" to Kyla last night (yes, she did make fun of me), and cried while reading my sisters post about her birthday (I'll get to that). [Oh and I cried after soccer Saturday... haha, just kidding... kinda.] I haven't completely written about it but God has changed my heart in so many areas of my life that I am sure my emotions are going along with it. I am totally ready to be exposed and experience every aspect of my walk with Christ! Oh, how I love the fire that follows brokenness!
I pray God, that you will continue to allow me to see your evidence in my life as it is so apparent right now. I don't ever want to lose that. I pray that you continue to change my heart and mold me into the woman you want me to be. I pray that you allow my heart to forgive and be joyous and loving. I pray that I can live out YOUR name and be an example of YOUR love... and thank you for all you are doing in my life!

Saved by grace, Godly Sorrow and the One who paid my debt.

"What does saved by grace mean to you?" is a question I wrote on my bathroom mirror after a devotional I read one day. I wrote it to continue reminding myself that, albeit not deservedly, I am forgiven and saved because Jesus died on the cross for me.
One of my best friends, Amanda (we've been through thick and thin, highs and LOWS and offered a lot to our relationship throughout it all), visited me last night and we spent the evening drink coffee and chatting. It's so great to have a friend that I can have come over while I am in my pajamas, with a messy room and no makeup and not even think about having to entertain her. We just sat on the couch and reveled in our past, laughed about the future and distributed a lot of advice. She is one person that I know will be honest with me and truly listen to me when I speak. So, this morning we were getting ready (me for church and her to visit her family) in my bathroom and she asks me, "What does saved my grace mean to you?" Now, I have seen this on my mirror for months... I understand what it means to me, but have never thought of a sentence necessarily to describe its meaning. I said the first thing that came to me, which was, "It means that I can forgive myself because Jesus has forgiven me." I was pretty proud of my answer but thought, do I really mean that? Or further, do I really feel that? (If you know me at all, that could be a bit humorous.) Interesting thought for me to ponder, but we moved on.
My sister had told me there would be a speaker at church who was an evangelist and author, Jeremy Kingsley. This made me pretty excited but I had really hoped to have led someone to come with me this week. I have been trying for months to get my business partner, Lawton to come and I invited Amanda, she politely declined. (I so badly want the opportunity to lead someone to the Lord!) Jeremy Kingsley, the Evangelist, comes on stage and starts telling us about himself and a story of him on an airplane. He is talking about witnessing, and says something along the lines of, don't pray for a situation to arise, but see the opportunities that are already there. This is something that stuck out to me and I could only think about what Amanda had asked about the question on my mirror.

Jeremy then continues to talk about salvation, Moses and the Israelites, and as I heard it just how easy it is to be saved. So like the Israelites just had to look at this bronzed snake to be saved, I just have to ask God for forgiveness. I need Godly sorrow, not wordly sorrow. Jeremy also said we need to be sorry that our sin hurts Jesus. For some reason or another, this breaks me. Why haven't I thought about this before?! I apologize to people when I hurt them. I am sorry when I hurt other people. But when I sin, it usually hurts me... and I continue to allow it to hurt me... which in turn hurts Jesus. HELLO!?! I am quick to forgive so many others aside from myself. I hold on to things and guilt myself for years and years. Finally this morning, I have realized that I cannot save or teach myself a lesson by feeling guilty about my sin. I have to give it to God, repent and be cleansed. Being broken over hurting Jesus is so powerful... it made me realize how much I really love him- That knowing I hurt or dissapointed him, BROKE MY HEART.
I love when God brings me to a broken place. Although I know it would be exhausting to constantly be broken, sometimes I wish I were. I learn so much in my times of brokenness and I've truly felt the freedom of forgiveness.
And, since God knows that I am stubborn, he drove the bit home a little further when my mother called right after church. (She still goes to a Catholic church as we were raised.) She says to me, "I was thinking about you today in church was the preist was telling us that we have to forgive ourselves in order to be forgive by Christ, and I know how you just hold on to things..."
Got it God. For grace is enough, I can repent to you, you will forgive me and I can FINALLY forgive myself!
Oh praise the One who paid my debt, And raised this life up from the dead.

Narrative Reading

I've been reading the Shopaholic series lately (Confessions of a Shopaholic, Shopaholic takes Manhattan, etc)... and I don't read narrative books all that often, but when I do, I become the author of my own life. I know that maybe sounds weird... but I will say something and then think in my head 'she said exasperatedly'. And the only place I have to put it all down is on my blog. Sooo that gets kind of addicting.
And I like to read other peoples blogs, but I get angry when they don't write every day.
Even when I don't know them. No, especially when I don't know them. Blogging takes stalking to a new level, beyond facebook and myspace where I only stalk the people I know. I really should be working.
I should do a study on how much more effective I could be without facebook, myspace and blogger.
Last night I was talking to Amanda and I was trying to get off the phone to get some things done (it was like 5:30). The conversation went like this,
Me: "Okay, I'm sorry, but I have to get going"
Amanda: "Whyyyy I'm all alone in a house with no one to talk to but a dog"
Me: "I have to, I have to go mow the lawn before soccer practice."
Pause
Amanda: "WHO ARE YOU?!" She exclaims. (hah)
I know, back to reality, one weekend I am fabulously walking down the cobblestone streets of Orlando and by Wednesday I am lawn-mowing, soccer coaching and church-group-attending. Amanda then proceeded to make fun of my life.
Which she is obviously so jealous of. (Obviously.)
Lawton is coaching basketball at Fort Myers High School. He asked me repeatedly if he could do it but I didn't give him an answer until the day before. I mean, the man could get hurt. Or take time out of business for it. He asked me like a little boy askin' his mama. It was entertaining to string him along with the, I'm not so sure this is a good idea, line. He told me that he thought God was calling him to do it.
Which I ignorantly responded with, you dont even know Him.
I know, bad move. But I let him do it in the end... and yesterday while he was at practice I may have messed something up a bit on one of his accounts and we got into a full-blown-yelling match and all I wanted to say was, "Well if you didn't have practice or were available for phone calls, this wouldn't have happened," but I didnt (yay for being mature!) and later when we re-hashed, he apologized and admitted it was all his fault. (Good boy, Lawton, good boy.)
Sometimes I feel like being a woman is so easy.
And then God will shoot me a lil' something as a reality check. "Got it, thanks Dad."
I have to go get uber-prepared for my 3:00. Pretty much the biggest account I will have the opportunity to quote... and my nail polish is chipped from pulling weeds yesterday.