Fort Myers is so small. I met a nice couple when I went to Happy Hour by myself... isn't that cool? I was talking to Amanda because I had to wait for Lauren to get ready and she encouraged me to go by myself while I was waiting. Anyway it ended up being a fun night and meeting new people is always great. The man of the couple ended being the principal of the middle school I went to! How weird... and the girl of the couple knew my roommate Brooke when she was little! It's so weird how we live in a place where there are so many people and yet everyone knows everyone. I am about to go to the beach and meet up with my aunt and cousins and then off to work at Outback tonight... fun fun. I dont really have much to say but I wanted to write a short post... haha.
My friend Stephanie is losing so much weight... she's totally watching everything she's eaten and has lost 21.5 since May. I wish I could do that... we may be starting some weight loss contests within my office... I haven't decided if I will partake...
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Closure
Again, I am frustrated with my extremely long posts. Not that it matters since the only person who reads this is my sister...
So its been about a year and half since my boyfriend of 3 years, Mike and I broke up. We dated since I was 17 and we ended up living together, getting a dog and then faced a situational break up (something we experienced many times before). I had always expected us to get back together when we both realized we loved each other so much. Well I stopped talking to him for awhile and then we hung out a couple other times and he would do sweet things like when we were dating. Then I went to Chicago for a job interview (he even came to my office in FM-he lived in Bonita- and brought me my favorite coffee, lunch and Butterfinger bar!), I came back, we talked here and there and then poof! he was gone. He stopped returning my calls, and completely ignored me. Later, I come to find out he had gotten his 'girlfriend' at the time, pregnant. Enter devestation. Sigh. Now I find out they're getting married in November. Thats less than 2 years since we broke up- out of a 3 year relationship! Not to mention he has a little baby girl (that he so conveniently named one of MY baby names...to which I will curse him forever). I now know we are not meant to be, and I am so afraid of commitment- most likely because of what he has done to me... but I still think about him... anytime I drive by his work or old house, I keep my eyes peeled for him... anytime I see a damn silver 4-Runner, I check to see if its him. To make matters worse, sometimes I dream about him... and about us getting back together. So since he stopped answering my calls and returning my texts, he has changed his number. I feel like I need closure... and would kind of be interested in talking to him again about his life and plans... to hear him apologize for hurting me... But who knows what would ever be accomplished and if it would be beneficial. Why is closure such a necessity? And is closure really what I am searching for? Or am I just trying to find more reasons why I don't wanna be with him? Why can't I just forget him?
So its been about a year and half since my boyfriend of 3 years, Mike and I broke up. We dated since I was 17 and we ended up living together, getting a dog and then faced a situational break up (something we experienced many times before). I had always expected us to get back together when we both realized we loved each other so much. Well I stopped talking to him for awhile and then we hung out a couple other times and he would do sweet things like when we were dating. Then I went to Chicago for a job interview (he even came to my office in FM-he lived in Bonita- and brought me my favorite coffee, lunch and Butterfinger bar!), I came back, we talked here and there and then poof! he was gone. He stopped returning my calls, and completely ignored me. Later, I come to find out he had gotten his 'girlfriend' at the time, pregnant. Enter devestation. Sigh. Now I find out they're getting married in November. Thats less than 2 years since we broke up- out of a 3 year relationship! Not to mention he has a little baby girl (that he so conveniently named one of MY baby names...to which I will curse him forever). I now know we are not meant to be, and I am so afraid of commitment- most likely because of what he has done to me... but I still think about him... anytime I drive by his work or old house, I keep my eyes peeled for him... anytime I see a damn silver 4-Runner, I check to see if its him. To make matters worse, sometimes I dream about him... and about us getting back together. So since he stopped answering my calls and returning my texts, he has changed his number. I feel like I need closure... and would kind of be interested in talking to him again about his life and plans... to hear him apologize for hurting me... But who knows what would ever be accomplished and if it would be beneficial. Why is closure such a necessity? And is closure really what I am searching for? Or am I just trying to find more reasons why I don't wanna be with him? Why can't I just forget him?
I wrote this on the plane... and haven't posted it till now.
I am on my way home from Iowa, a trip in which I have gained some very valuable lessons...
First of all, I have come to realize that unlike the entirety of my life, I cannot always just ‘work it out’. I have always lived in this lifestyle that I can work it out. I can work out any financial angst I incur, either by picking up another shift at Outback or waiting until my next paycheck- never longer than 2 weeks away. Being a business owner is tough, and I must start acting like one. I am never promised a paycheck. And sadly, I will never be promised one again. It was probably not the smartest decision to take this trip to Iowa, even if it was a free ticket… as my father so nobly says, ‘nothing is ever free’. I had to think of my food, entertainment, etc. Granted I spent the least amount I have probably ever spent (or since I was 14) in Iowa, I still spent money that could have been very usefully spent on bills, food or gas. I am thankful for learning a lesson at the ripe old age of 22. Seeing as in the previous years I earned twice as much as I needed to pay bills, I have learned the value of saving and heartache of being completely broke. It’s great that I have enough clothes and shoes to fill three walk-in closets, but is that really what I want out of my hard earned money? Not anymore, that’s for sure. At least I learned it now.
Another lesson learned is that I am no where close to being ready for children (as Kyla, my niece would tell me, “You have to find a husband first”). Don’t get me wrong, I know I could raise children- but I know I don’t want to. I went to Iowa with Maria (my sister), her husband and five kids (ages 11, 9, 4, 2, and 10 months). Children- no matter which age- are exhausting and high maintenance. I am at such a selfish time in my life. I want to do what I want to do. I don’t want to be held back by naptimes, bedtimes, feeding times or behavioral issues. So many times I saw Maria (and perhaps she doesn’t feel ‘held back’) having to go put the kids to bed when I hung out with the adults of our extended family. I wanted to spend time with everyone and do everything- and plans are often paralyzed by children (paralyzed, not necessarily killed). DON’T GET ME WRONG, I love my niece and nephews as if they were my own; would do anything for them and would take any one of them as mine in a HEARTBEAT. It has just been beaten into me repeatedly that I am very, very far from wanting to have children of my own.
Maria and I both experience the same nostalgia whenever we visit Dubuque, IA. This is the place we were both born… the place our parents met, the place our extended family lives and the place some of our best childhood memories occurred. Dubuque is so historical. Not just for us, but for our family (my Dad and both our grandparents grew up there) and history in general. The house my grandmother was born in is now a little shop in downtown, where her and her twin sister rotated sleeping in drawer and the crib (her mother didn’t know they were twins and could only afford 1 crib). The bluffs where my Boppa grew up have the most amazing view of the Mississipi River. We still pass by the houses Maria and I were born in, where my father was born and where my father and his 5 brothers and sisters grew up. The history in that town is just amazing. Even though I was 1 when we moved to Florida, Dubuque is still my home. Maria and I always wonder how different our life would be if our parents never moved and how we would have grown up living in such a ‘slow-paced’, safe place. We’ve beaten this topic to death for years that we don’t really even discuss it anymore, just bring it up and smile- we both know what each other is thinking). Aside from a couple aunts and uncles here and there, the majority of our extended family lives in Iowa. We have always been closest to our Grandma Jean and Boppa and its crazy to witness their aging. My Boppa has gotten sick a couple times and it has certainly had a toll on his body. Its so depressing to see loved ones age- so contrary to the invincible grandparents I once thought I had. It really allows me to appreciate what I have and be grateful for those in my life.
Maybe I was supposed to go on this trip for the lessons- above and beyond the ones mentioned in this blog. I love that I am constantly learning about myself… and hope I can take these lessons and do something about them… appreciate the most important people in my life- my family and true friends, realize I have limits financially and that I am a business owner and therefore must make sacrifices, and that I am no where close to being ready to be settled down or held back.
First of all, I have come to realize that unlike the entirety of my life, I cannot always just ‘work it out’. I have always lived in this lifestyle that I can work it out. I can work out any financial angst I incur, either by picking up another shift at Outback or waiting until my next paycheck- never longer than 2 weeks away. Being a business owner is tough, and I must start acting like one. I am never promised a paycheck. And sadly, I will never be promised one again. It was probably not the smartest decision to take this trip to Iowa, even if it was a free ticket… as my father so nobly says, ‘nothing is ever free’. I had to think of my food, entertainment, etc. Granted I spent the least amount I have probably ever spent (or since I was 14) in Iowa, I still spent money that could have been very usefully spent on bills, food or gas. I am thankful for learning a lesson at the ripe old age of 22. Seeing as in the previous years I earned twice as much as I needed to pay bills, I have learned the value of saving and heartache of being completely broke. It’s great that I have enough clothes and shoes to fill three walk-in closets, but is that really what I want out of my hard earned money? Not anymore, that’s for sure. At least I learned it now.
Another lesson learned is that I am no where close to being ready for children (as Kyla, my niece would tell me, “You have to find a husband first”). Don’t get me wrong, I know I could raise children- but I know I don’t want to. I went to Iowa with Maria (my sister), her husband and five kids (ages 11, 9, 4, 2, and 10 months). Children- no matter which age- are exhausting and high maintenance. I am at such a selfish time in my life. I want to do what I want to do. I don’t want to be held back by naptimes, bedtimes, feeding times or behavioral issues. So many times I saw Maria (and perhaps she doesn’t feel ‘held back’) having to go put the kids to bed when I hung out with the adults of our extended family. I wanted to spend time with everyone and do everything- and plans are often paralyzed by children (paralyzed, not necessarily killed). DON’T GET ME WRONG, I love my niece and nephews as if they were my own; would do anything for them and would take any one of them as mine in a HEARTBEAT. It has just been beaten into me repeatedly that I am very, very far from wanting to have children of my own.
Maria and I both experience the same nostalgia whenever we visit Dubuque, IA. This is the place we were both born… the place our parents met, the place our extended family lives and the place some of our best childhood memories occurred. Dubuque is so historical. Not just for us, but for our family (my Dad and both our grandparents grew up there) and history in general. The house my grandmother was born in is now a little shop in downtown, where her and her twin sister rotated sleeping in drawer and the crib (her mother didn’t know they were twins and could only afford 1 crib). The bluffs where my Boppa grew up have the most amazing view of the Mississipi River. We still pass by the houses Maria and I were born in, where my father was born and where my father and his 5 brothers and sisters grew up. The history in that town is just amazing. Even though I was 1 when we moved to Florida, Dubuque is still my home. Maria and I always wonder how different our life would be if our parents never moved and how we would have grown up living in such a ‘slow-paced’, safe place. We’ve beaten this topic to death for years that we don’t really even discuss it anymore, just bring it up and smile- we both know what each other is thinking). Aside from a couple aunts and uncles here and there, the majority of our extended family lives in Iowa. We have always been closest to our Grandma Jean and Boppa and its crazy to witness their aging. My Boppa has gotten sick a couple times and it has certainly had a toll on his body. Its so depressing to see loved ones age- so contrary to the invincible grandparents I once thought I had. It really allows me to appreciate what I have and be grateful for those in my life.
Maybe I was supposed to go on this trip for the lessons- above and beyond the ones mentioned in this blog. I love that I am constantly learning about myself… and hope I can take these lessons and do something about them… appreciate the most important people in my life- my family and true friends, realize I have limits financially and that I am a business owner and therefore must make sacrifices, and that I am no where close to being ready to be settled down or held back.
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