Alicia's Adventure: Life Unfolding Into The Real World.

{Friday Favorites}

2011-04-08T12:23:00.000-04:00

Yikes it has been way too long! Since its been so long, this list may get exhaustive!

1. Camelbak water bottle
This bad boy causes me to drink sooo much water during the day! This is going to sound weird but in order to drink from it, you have to bite and straw part and suck at the same time. This makes the bottle unable to spill when the straw it up. In true 5 year old fashion, I enjoy biting the straw and drinking with no hands.... and multi-tasking- I can drink from it and type, paint nails, straighten my hair. Its amazing, I know.

2. The month of March
Okay, I know its April 8th. March is by farrrr my favorite month of the year. St. Patricks Day, March Madness, Spring Weather... enough said! The weather is so gorgeous, we can wear bathing suits in the day and sweaters at night. Its absolutely perfect. March also happens to be my birthday month, which is on St. Patricks Day! And the month when many of my close friends were born. March is fullll of celebrations, presents and cake! March madness is also a blast and the last hoorah of my sports watching before fall. Sad that it is over, but definitely worth mentioning as a favorite.

3. Small Group
I am so thankful for the girls in my small group... we get to spend time together reading God's Word, sharing in what we are learning, keeping each other accountable. Its is such an amazing relationship we have... and it goes beyond Monday nights- we go to the beach, have dinner, plan sleepovers (to come). I love my girls!

4. Tickets to Miranda Lambert Concert

This week my friend informed me he has tickets to spare to the Miranda Lambert concert. My Dad, sister and I got to see her when she opened for Kenny Chesney nearly 3 years ago! I thought she was great then, but didn't have a love for her like I do now. The three of us get to see her in concert this coming Thursday and we are so excited!!!

Last but definitely not least.....
5. DISNEY WORLD
My best friend Stacy bought me a gift card for Disney for Christmas. We decided to get annual passes together and we're making our first trek up to Orlando on Saturday. I cannot wait to go on rides, see shows and just feel the excitement of being there again! It will be so fun to go with Stacy because she has this crazy exciting zest for life which makes everything more fun!

{Friday Favorites}

2011-02-18T12:12:00.000-05:00

Ah! Is it already Friday again? Here are just a few of my faves...

Sanibel Coffee Bar: The coffee is amazing. The people are fun. The parties are entertaining... We had a coffee bar party(/meeting) this weekend and they are sure to be a good time. We learn, drink wine, eat, walk to the beach and even had a showcase of talent! This is our group!

Acepromazine: Now, I already know this is going to sound horrible. But this is Dallas' new sedative from his favorite man, Dr. Shivers. Dallas has chewed through his sling twice (even with a cone) which is setting his arm free and slowing his healing. I suggested an induced coma, but the vet has given me these instead. There isn't much more annoying a thing than a spastic cone headed dog on three legs... this new med is working like a charm!

Soccer: For real this time. Soccer starts tonight! I can't wait. (Last week we got rained out...)

Milk Frother: I received this as a gift from April for Christmas... and it is probably my favorite gift! This bad boy will froth your milk, stir your tea or freak your dog out. I use it every day for a coffee shop feel at home!

Friday Favorites

2011-02-11T12:55:00.001-05:00

It has been forever... but inspired by my friend and sisters Friday Favorite list, I felt motivated to crab a fresh cup of coffee and get to writing!

1. My main man, Dallas. Last week he got hit by a car... it was an awful experience but he is on his way to recovery! This is the poor guy with his sling (that he later learned to chew partially off). He is in a ton of pain, which has caused the overprotective mother in my me to heighten... but has also made me realize how much I love him and am thankful to have him around (even if its only on 3 legs for now...). Like I said before, he is recovering and should be as good as new in 3-5 weeks!

2. Miami Heat! So I admit it, I am officially jumping on the bandwagon. I had the opporunity to go to a Heat game this past Tuesday with my friend Norma. Her and her husband have season tickets and they have sort of adopted me into their family (which I am sooo grateful for). So the Heat played the Pacers and they won in a great comeback! I love going to sporting events, so it was fun to hang out with Norma, cheer on the Heat and dance in the stands. Here are a couple shots from the night!

Florida Gator, Mike Miller about to shoot, Lebron just after his shot, and D.Wade chillin with a ball in his hands.

3. Painting! Who knew?!? I would never, ever, ever consider myself creative. After visiting my best friend Renee in Wisconsin and a few days of painting with her, I was hooked. It has now become my therapy. Having a glass of wine and painting away has become one of my favorite things to do at night (cliche, I know). Here are a couple things did this week- more in the abstract category, but fun nonetheless!

4. Color Popping. Sounds weird, I know. If you know me, you know that I am a matchy-matchy, balance, even everything type of girl. Regarding decor, everything is in a color scheme of 2-3 colors and there is 2-3 of everything (sconces, vases, candles, etc). I am really trying to break this habit and one way I am doing that is in my clothes... focusing on color poppage :) Basically, I will wear a normal outfit and add a fun color shoes or a random hair peice. The colors always compliment each other, but are typically pretty random. Like here, I wore a mustard sweater with a rasberry hair peice. It may seem silly to some, but its BIG for me!

5. Soccer!!! Our soccer season starts again tonight. We are coming back as the #1 team in the league and I am so excited for this season with a few new additions. We have so much fun playing, joking and laughing... but still being seriously competitive. I have soooo much fun on those fields!

These are a few of my favorite things...

2010-11-12T07:31:00.002-05:00

My sister, the amazingly talented Maria Glassford blogs every Friday about her favorite things. You can read her blog here. But while you are reading mine... please check out my first ever, soon to be weekly (in honor of my favorite movie, The Sound of Music) "These are few of my favorite things [this week]"

1. The No Other Gods study by Kelly Minter.
      This Bible study is rocking my world right now. Not to mention the amazing small group I am involved in... I am learning so much about the idols I have let slip into my life. The girls I get to do life with, the lessons I am learning and the way I am growing closer to Christ is pretty incredible in this season.

2. Cool weather, scarves and apple cider
    Hello FALL! The weather is in the 60's and 70's which means I get to open my windows, turn off my air, ENJOY my coffee in the morning and not sweat walking from my house to my car. The weather is absolutely gorgeous- sunny and cool- I couldn't ask for anything better. When you add a side of fashionable scarves, sweaters and boots with a dash of festive hot drinks like apple cider and pumpkin spiced lattes... it is fall euphoria. I would be pretty excited if the weather in Heaven were like the weather in the fall of Florida.

3. Moving
      I actually do not favor moving (although some may argue that), but I do favor the fact that my office, home, church, gym, family and most friends are now in a 7 mile radius. I used to drive from Fort Myers to Estero almost 3 times a day. Now I can walk to my sister or my dad's house, get to church in less than 10 minutes and be in my office within 15. It is amazing, I dont know why I didnt move sooner. On the downside, I still feel a bit disheveled (moreso in the office than the home), so I am greatly looking forward to feeling organized!

4. Community
     The community I have in this area is beyond words. I literally cannot describe the friendships and family that I have developed and grown here. I have a remarkable group of friends that I see share the love of Christ on a daily basis. My church family have invested SO much into my life and I get to watch them speak Truth week after week and continue to win lives for the Kingdom. The people I get to do life with are a continual blessing and bring joy that I know comes from the Lord.

5. Technology
      Which I fear sounds superficial. Whatever. I am thankful for Skype, cell phones, email, crackberries, facebook... I. LOVE. ALL. OF. IT! I get to skype with my friends in Italy, London and Russia. I get to talk to my best friends in Wisconsin and Dallas. I get to email with my friends in NYC and LA. I get to blackberry message with my friend in Fort Lauderdale and Fort Myers (all day long). And I get to keep up with the rest of my friends and acquaintences on Facebook. It is magical.... and it makes having so many friends in high and low places a much more bearable experience.

Day Zero Update (Day 160)

2010-11-10T14:29:00.001-05:00

Just a breif update on my Day Zero List. I haven't been updating on my completed ones... which has made me not able to get back to my blog... so here goes.

14.Get a puppy
I got a puppy! He is a chocolate miniature pinscher who was born on May 10th. I found him from a breeder in Orlando and brought him home on July 3rd. He has the best spunky personality, handsome green eyes and so much love to give!
15.Come up with a great name for my puppy
I named my sweet little boy, Dallas. I went looking for a girl and had always planned on having a girl, but I jus fell in love with this little boy. I thought up a TON of girl names but knew if I got boy it would have something to do with sports or one of my beloved teams. This is my little Dallas Rock Meyer.

16.Catch a fish
      In October, we went on a retreat with Crew in Duck Key. My friend David who is like a professional fisherman, took a few of us girls out on a boat and took us fishing. Not only did I catch a fish, but a shark!! A little lemon shark... it was pretty amazing. Pictures to come...

38.Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen
      In June, we had Mission 2010 for our high school youth group. In years past they have traveled to South Carolina in nice vans and stayed in dorm-style places to serve the community. This year we decided to surprise the kids and keep them local. We camped (see #53) at a local camp ground and on Thursday, July 1st, we served in the soup kitchen in Fort Myers. The crowd was rough, but we managed to make trays and trays of food for each individual to enjoy. It was an awesome experience for myself and the youth group kids that came along.

42.Surprise someone with ice cream
     I brought my sister and bil ice cream from Coldstone after I went shopping with Sean for his birthday... they loved it!

47.Bake cookies from scratch
I baked some great pumpkin spiced cookies for Crew two weeks ago, a few people even asked for my recipe and one guy knew they were from scratch!

53.Go camping
As previously mentioned (see #38) I went camping with our youth group locally. It wasn't fun camping with friends where we fish and make chili and roast marshmellows in nice weather. It was rough. Not to mention, I was a leader- having to make sure my 6 girls were safe, quite, sleeping and not catching malaria. Did I mention it was June in Florida? Writing about the heat and the mosquitos won't do the experience any justice. Here is me before going to sleep the first night... see the smile still on my face?

54.Give to a friend for a mission trip
      My friend Jennifer left for Russia about a month ago. We went to Russia together to teach some business courses at an institute. I had the opportunity to give money toward her trip which was such a blessing!

62.Go shopping with Sean
      My nephew Sean turned 13 on June 1st. So I had some birthday shopping to make up to him- this was my frst completed item on my Day Zero List. He bought some video game... he was thrilled. :)

65.Swim in the ocean in the dark
       This one is a funny story... Basically, on my way home from Sanibel one night I was telling my friend KJ about this item on the list. He told me to pull over... I'm talking, it was probably close to 1am and we spontaneously walked in the ocean just before the Causeway and went swimming. It was pretty fun! (Especially when we came to my friend Renee's soaked...)
66.Send someone a card with a hundred dollar bill just because
      A girl I have known for some time had mentioned on Facebook that she lost $80 or something like that... I thought it was the perfect opportunity for this one. I wrote down a scripture in a card, slid in a $100 bill put it at her door... I didn't sign my name or anything and the next day I saw her Facebook status say something about the little angel coming to confess. (I hope she doesn't read my blog) It felt good to do something nice without anyone (until now) knowing about it.
69.Have a garage sale
      We had a great garage sale at my sisters with 2 of our friends... I think I made around $60... it wasn't as good as they have been in the past... but I really need to purge my closet and do a serious garage sale!75.Buy the Milby's a date & babysit the kiddos
        Last week I volunteered to babysit for the Milby's... I got them a gift certificate to Outback and got to play a fun game with the kids. Their kids are so well behaved and have nicknamed me Awesome Alicia... so obviously, I love being around them.

77.Take Carter out for ice cream
       On my sisters birthday, we pawned off her youngest son to a friend and went shopping and got pedicures. We were running a bit late, so I had to pick up Carter from school and she went to get Jonah. This picture is after school, before I took him to Coldstone. He ordered cotton candy ice cream with gummy bears... when the gummy bears were gone, he was done with the ice cream. It was pretty funny. I love this little boy.

80.Visit the Liekweg's
I finally got to see Renee and Chris in Wisconsin! I flew up there for about 5 days and it was absolutely amazing. It was such a nice recharge time for me... lots of relaxing, painting and just hanging out with my best friend. Renee and I had amazing talks and time with God. I was so appreciative of our time together.

82.Stargaze
On our Crew retreat, David led our group to an isolated place (around mile marker 30 and then 20 miles of US1) that gave us an amazing view of the stars. It is so weird to me that the farther away from land you go, the better view of the stars you have. It is easy for me to have this finite view… I wonder what the stars look like from Heaven

97.Go to a Gator game
My best and oldest friend, Libby came home from London to Gainesville for a game in October. It seems as though everyone from the time of her being in college was there that weekend. Somehow, our friends had a few extra tickets and I got to go to the game for free. We ended up losing to LSU, but it was still so much fun to go see the boys play!

Day One of Day Zero

2010-06-03T01:07:00.000-04:00

The Challenge:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

So my friend Suzy has inspired me to create my very own Day Zero Project. She created one a week or so ago and you can read all about it here. If you know me, you know I make lists... I consider it my own type of therapy. Making this list was fun and completing it will be challenging! Check out my list and follow along with me as I attempt to complete 101 tasks by February 28th, 2013.

Get scuba certified
Go skydiving
Visit Libby in London
Fast from solid food for 1 week
Go to a Dallas Cowboy game
Go to a Dallas Cowboy game at the new Dallas stadium
Spend a weekend alone on a retreat
Turn my cell phone off for a weekend
Go to church with my Mom
Run a 5k
Run a 5k in less than 23 minutes
Have a dinner party for more than 10 people
Get a new tattoo
Get a puppy
Come up with a great name for my puppy
Catch a fish
Do 20 consecutive push ups
Go to a wine tasting
Take an adult education class
Take 5 piano lessons
Write a letter for myself to read in 2020
Buy a plant
Keep a plant alive
Play a round of golf with my Dad
Go rock climbing
Visit AJ in college
Have a sleepover with Kyla
Get together with my step-sisters
Take the Glassford family to dinner
Run a mile in the sand
Detail my car myself
Send personalized Christmas cards
Go to yoga
Make dinner for my second family, the Casey's
Go to the beach with my Mom
Eat in a restaurant alone (without a laptop, book or phone)
Read an entire book in a day
Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen
Learn to change the oil in my car
Take Carter and Jonah to the zoo
Eat lunch with Kyla at her school
Surprise someone with ice cream
Blog about each completed task
Write a letter of forgiveness to someone from my past
Take a CPR class
Sponsor a child in Haiti
Bake cookies from scratch
Bake cookies for my neighbors
Go on a vacation with Maria (just the two of us)
Go kayaking
Re-do my website
Enter a writing contest
Go camping
Give to a friend for a mission trip
Buy new office furniture
Make new business cards
Get a massage, faciail, and mani/pedi in the same day
Visit the Farmer's market
Give up meat for a month
Read the Bible with a reading plan
Go on a hike with Kevin and listen to him tell me everything he knows
Go shopping with Sean
Finish Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself Study
Have a sleepover with my Crave small group
Swim in the ocean in the dark
Send someone a card with a hundred dollar bill just because
Try a new recipe
Purge my closet
Have a garage sale
Babysit for Layla & play every game she wants
Make a journal that is filled with people to pray for
Buy new shelves
Collect 10 antique books for new shelves
Do a craft project with Bethany Milby
Buy the Milby's a date & babysit the kiddos
Take Max & Emily out for the Cabrera's to have a stay-date
Take Carter out for ice cream
Memorize the book of James
Make a journal with prayers full of scripture
Visit the Liekweg's
Watch the sunrise and the sunset in the same day
Stargaze
Find my own outdoor sactuary
Install Russian Rosetta Stone
Donate to locks-for-love
Take a personal trainer lesson
Go to the Seminole Indian Casino with Dad & Maria
Host a tea party
Learn to tie a tie
Learn a song on the guitar
Dance in the rain
Identify 100 things that make me happy
Watch 10 "classic" movies picked out by the Henley's
Go Salsa Dancing
Find an intern for my business
Take a spontaneous road trip
Go to a Gator game
Buy myself flowers
Learn to drive a stick-shift
Host a foreign exchange student
Pay off my car

Craving Jesus

2009-09-02T23:27:00.000-04:00

Tonight was my first night attended Crave. Crave is the high school youth group at Summit Church. For some time now, I have been trying to figure out what to do with my Tuesday nights. I was going to Crew so many times a week and realized I wasn't doing much to pour into others. I tried Ignite, I babysat a lot, considered Young Life... but didn't hear anything from God. I waited and waited... and didn't commit (which is strange for me). Finally, I was talking to April (my wonderfully young mentor) and complaining about wanting to give up BigEnuf and KidZone but that I felt like I wasn't doing anything else for others... she recommeded me to try Ignite or Crave and work with younger girls who would look up to me. I thought about Ignite, but honestly wasn't too pumped about serving there / didn't feel like I was 'qualified' enough. I started getting really excited about Crave after I emailed the youth pastor who told me there was a need for a 10th grade small group leader. A woman at the church, Desiree called me a few days later telling me a funny story about her daughter, Tessa, wanting me to be her small group leader awhile ago... which is pretty weird because I wasn't even thinking about it then! Tessa is an awesome girl and I am excited to get to know her and her friends better!
Tonight we learned about prayer and the importance of it. The small group discussion wasn't too organic...but I will pray that it gets easier and better with time. These girls are sharp too! One of them started asking me a question about the Old Testament and I totally didn't have the answer and Tessa spoke up and answered (I am pretty sure it went undetected). During the message I thought about where I was when I was their age in high school. Man, I was lost. I started to tear up thinking that some of these students are where I was. I went to church and youth group but I still chose to make horrible decisions.
Lord I pray that I can make a difference in the lives of these girls in my small group and others within Crave. I pray that you would use me to be an intentional part of their lives and that their hearts and eyes would be open to your love. Stir in the hearts of the students that don't know you and prepare the leaders that are pouring into the lives of those there. Take away my own will and my words, I pray that you would only allow me to speak your Truth and that you lead me all the way through.

Becoming a bit more selfish...

2009-08-31T22:14:00.002-04:00

Tonight I went to the conclusion to a special series in Crew about our roles as Men and Women. I'll be honest, I had expectations about tonight. I have listened to many sermons about marriage and what my role should look like. I've spent a lot of time around Godly married couples, I have talked to pastors, pastors' wives, read books, prayed and studied about what it looks like to be a Godly wife. I really, truly desire to be a wife that glorifies God. I know all the 'things' to do and I love to learn about 'how to be'. (I may even go as far as to say that I love rules.) I was excited tonight, ready to hear something new or a verse analyzed further than I had read it. Something to "broaden" my study.
I was kind of skeptical as I was sitting, listening, taking notes- waiting for the epiphany to hit me! To be honest, I didn't seem to hear anything new... or exciting. A lot of the lessons I have read in the Bible- which are extremely important...but, again, I was looking for new! I know that wives are supposed to respect your husbands and serve them by being suitable helpers. I know that husbands are to love their wives and serve her by providing for her. Got it. Marriage works when you keep your identity, rely on God, be selfless...etc, etc, etc.
Then enters my epiphany. Todd says, the world has this idea of selflessness all wrong. (Actually, I am pretty sure he said this jacked up idea, but I am the writer here.) The most important part of being selfless, is being selfish about your TIME with Christ.
Somehow, I have missed this. And I am embarrassed to say that I just didn't think of it.
Every night I set my alarm to wake up early and have quiet time with God in the morning. Sometimes I do it. A lot of times I don't. I will sleep in... or sometimes I even get up and start getting ready and think, oh, I'll just do it later. But then I don't. I get wrapped up in getting to work, or meeting with someone or going somewhere. And then I have this guilt problem where I think I have already messed it up so its easier to just put it off and do it right tomorrow.
I think about keeping up with my friendships, with the ladies in my life that pour into me, the ladies that I pour into, spending time with my family, coaching soccer, serving in ministries, having people at my house, going to church, working and all of these things, that aren't bad things. They are definitely good things. But if I am not growing in my relationship with Christ and pursuing him daily then they are just things- just actions, motions. I will be even more honest here and say that sometimes I do them out of my own selfish ambition and vain conceit- specifically what the Word tells us not to do. I think, oh, I can do this, I will help you do this, I will serve here- people can rely on me- I am the girl that never says no.
That is okay if I do all those things or are involved in all those ministries... but if I am not pursuing Christ everyday- every morning- then I am just wasting my time. I am just trying to make myself look good. In order to be the servant God wants me to be, I must seek Him every morning through prayer, reading His Word and resting in the relationship with my Savior.

Ultimately, I should go into work everyday with the ability to answer the question,

What has God taught me today?

I went tonight to learn more about marriage and how to be a Godly wife. There is no font or italic or bold or underline that can emphasize how big this lesson is for me. The great characteristic I can have as a wife, a mother, a woman in general, is to Love the Lord-my God- with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul. That definitely wasn't the lesson I expected receiving after tonight... but my gracious and mighty God works in ways that are unimaginable and inexplicable. Praise God for always keeping me on my toes!
(I'm of to set my alarm clock and pray that the Lord would have my neighbors jackhammering at 6am.)

My story...

2009-07-21T18:27:00.001-04:00

I need to write about this now because it’s so fresh... I have so many other things to be doing right now, but this will be a mini-session of therapy. Some of my friends have asked and I am really not good at keeping my emotions hidden. I know that my story is only one sided… and I hope anyone who reads this would know that too. That all I can do is account for my feelings and the conversations I have retained. I almost feel silly writing about it… like I am going through a painful divorce or a death… and I guess in some ways it could be looked at that way. I pray this doesn’t come off dramatic and I pray that as I write this I will be humble and transparent.
It honestly began very simply, as all things do. I had asked him to do something one morning while I was at bible study and he told me he was too busy. I snapped back with, “I always have to do operational things; it’d be nice if you could do this just once.” The thing is, I have run the operational side of our business since day one, and that is not my passion. I love to do sales and deal with people… not make excel spreadsheets and fill out countless forms. Apparently, I was a bitter that I was the one doing the dirty work throughout our business. This sent him into a fit of rage and he began to question everything I have done in the last four months. Since I was at church and not willing to have the discussion in the bathroom, I continuously repeated (as he yelled at me) that I had to go and eventually hung up on him.
He emailed me some nasty thing basically questioning what I do all day, informing me of how busy he is and that he has worked so hard for me to have everything and ending with an ever so powerfully guilt-ridden, “And this is what I get.”
I read the email a couple times. I was hurt but realized I still had stuff that needed to be done and that he was angry. I let it go and went in the office. We barely spoke. The next day came and it was only a simple greeting that was exchanged. He finally turned to me and said, “Are you ready to talk about this?” I asked him if there was something to discuss, that I read his email and his points and that I wasn’t planning on responding and fighting with him over email. He responded that he was disturbed with the fact that I didn’t want to respond. I felt and still feel, that I do not need to defend myself, nor do I need to answer his irate questions or respond into a ‘measuring contest’. He began to get really angry with me and called me a variety of names, all along the lines of selfish, greedy, inconsiderate and questioned my relationship with Christ. He told me that I have changed (I am proud to say I have), that my priorities are way off and he can’t believe that I would call myself a Christian. As much as I tried to remain silent in the accusations, I was quick (and wrong) in defending my faith and then questioned his. He claims to love my same Jesus and yet can be giving in so many ways, but his words didn’t reflect it. I didn’t believe him. He argued that his life more reflected a Christian life than mine and I said “Not if you are having pre-marital sex and living with your girlfriend.” He denied it and I reaffirmed that she had repeatedly spoken to me about these things. I’d like to emphasize repeatedly.
After being yelled at twice by others’ in the office, and realizing that it was going nowhere fast, I told him that he could say what he pleased but that I was done arguing. I turned back to my computer and went back to work. He continued calling me names and accusing me and questioning my character. I simply responded, “If you truly believe all those things, why on earth would you want to be in business with me?” He couldn’t believe I would bring that up, responding with, “It’s when you say things like that…” and assumed me a quitter for bringing that up. I’m not sure if it was just that he was irritated that I had ignored him or was so angry but he ended up leaving, but not before muttering, “I can’t believe I didn’t see your true character”. It was about 11:00am.
I calmed down, thought and prayed about the situation. I sat and wrote him a pretty lengthy email about the way he manipulated and spoke to me, how he treated me, about throwing Jesus in my face and his ability to remember everything I ever did wrong and bring it up as ammo whenever he felt necessary. I could have easily given him a list of all the things I have done in the past 4 months that he was too ignorant to see… but I figured it wouldn’t do much at this point.
I ended my email with this, “I admit that I have not given my all to this business through its entirety. I admit that I am not most productive when I am working from home. I also admit that I have taken advantage of the fact that I have the free will to do whatever I please throughout the work week. I am sorry for doing that and letting you down. There are things that I will undoubtedly work on if we decide to continue this business together. But in return, I will need you to recognize and work on some things as well. If you do not trust me or really think these things that you express about my character…then please do not be in this partnership with me. I do not want to be in a partnership with anyone who feels the way that you have expressed you feel about me. Please let me know if this is what you wish to do and we will discuss how we will split.”
His response was, “So much of that is babble I have not even read it. Insanity more so. You spent more time writing that than ever working the past four months. Always complaining about the office, something always. I was just the last to see the obvious. I love what Jesus represents and I will continue walking towards him…Remember how you asked if I would tell you what Damian won, if anything. I remember that look on your face, a look of greed. I gave you the shirt off my back, and I was blind to character. You are beyond selfish. I always thought of you first. You are bitter and angry with me and I can’t fathom why, or maybe it is something weird. I don’t know how I was so wrong but I hope Jesus can help us get through this.”
Oh buddy, we both need Jesus so much right now. There are so many things I could write right now to defend the things he said, but honestly, I am not worried about defending myself. I am exhausted over trying to defend myself, and am resting in the fact that the Lord will defend me.
The weekend went by and I spent a lot of time reflecting on the situation and just thinking. I had some conversations (limited ones…) about it and expressed to my Dad that I wish I wouldn’t have ever been in a partnership- that I had listened to him from the beginning. I told Maria that I wish he would just opt to be bought out…that I would not regret buying him out, that I may regret having him stay. Maria gave me insight in the way he was talking to me, the names he was calling me and that if it were any other relationship (and still really is…) it would be considered verbal abuse. She was right, but I had given him so much slack after his accident… when he punched and dented his car after yelling at me… I was just glad that he was alive.
Monday I worked from home and we emailed about meeting on Tuesday. We worked normally in the office together and I had thoughts that it would work! Before the meeting, I wrote down some notes about my thoughts so I wouldn’t get lost in his manipulation like I so often did. I printed out the emails to reference if he didn’t recollect saying something. We sat down in a public place. He reiterated the way he thought about me…I asked him for specific situations and how I could make it better. I was listening, I was peaceful and I was calm. He attacked me over and over, told me the means things people-my friends and family included- had said to him. This continued and I patiently listened. He wouldn’t give me specific examples for each of his accusations… or more than one or two things he had repeatedly brought up… I told him that if we are going to continue this business relationship, that it was important so I would know.
He quickly responded, “I don’t want to be in this relationship.” I asked if he wanted to be in this business relationship and he said no. I asked him what the options were. It seemed so simple sitting at the table. Okay a,b,c or d. Well, I nixed a,b, and d. The only option left is for me to buy him out. He wanted to split the book and I reminded him that he didn’t have the appropriate credentials/licensing to take over half. He said with 60 days, he could figure it out. I told him things would get too messy in that amount of time. Then he seemed to backpedal for a moment. He said, “Alright well if we can’t agree, then lets just get back to work.”
?!?!?!?!
Unfortunately, I do not have the short term memory loss ability that you have been awarded and I cannot and will not forget these things you have said to me. I agreed to option C and we will go from there.
He asked if I would draw up the numbers and spreadsheets in order to present him an offer. Because I know he is incapable of doing so (operationally incompetent), I told him I would be happy to. I went back to the office and started changing all the passwords, looked at the bank account and literally thought; he would never take it that far. But I was wrong.
He walks back into the office and tells me he took out $1500 from the bank account, to match the amount I had been paid the month prior. (Per our agreement, I took out the amount to pay my bills and then we both got the same amount of ‘spending’ money. He doesn’t have any bills since he lives with his mother or girlfriend and received a car for free after his accident.) If we would have discussed this… it would have been a totally different story. But he just took it and smirked back into his chair.
The next hour is sort of blurry, but I know he was still very angry. I was praying through the entire time that I would have peace and strength from God and love him like Jesus. This was pretty exhausting! He was giving me a file here and there, I walked over to his desk as he was to the side and said I need to get something off your computer (almost ALL our company info is in his computer and I wanted to send myself our client tracking spreadsheet). He grabbed the mouse from my hands and literally pushed me (his elbow met my ribs) out of the way. He called me a few names that I would not want to repeat and I exclaimed, loud enough for all to hear, “Don’t push me Lawton, you can’t push me like that!” I asked if he would do us both a favor and just leave. He said he wouldn’t, so I went in to talk to Fred and we agreed that he would just ask us both to leave. When Lawton saw Fred, he said he would leave in 5 minutes and that he was sorry. He played on his computer awhile longer and cleaned out most of his desk. He continued to make comments here and there and I continued to not respond. He finally left.
So now I sit exhausted, with a lot of work and a long road ahead of me. I am feeling peaceful about it and knowing that this is all in God’s plan. I have said many times that the people that come and go in our lives often accomplish exactly what they are supposed to. As I write this, I recognize that if Lawton had not been injured, I would probably still be living the damaging life that I was once living. Since I find great joy in analyzation and often try to analyze God (even though I know I can’t figure You out!) I am left thinking that we were apart of this business together so that I would devote my life back to Christ… and that his time in my life is done. I trust that God is in control of my life, my business and even my relationships. I know that God has this all under control.
I know it’s hard to ever imagine me as a battered woman. I am not claiming to be so… but I can say that he would verbally abuse me and I was blind to the fact of it. I believed the lies that he would feed me and became discouraged because of it. I can see the big picture now and I will run toward getting this business and my life back into shape. I pray that I will continue to love him like Jesus and be respectful and civilized. I pray that he will do the same, but I am prepared for all the persecution that may come my way.
Praying for peace, strength and contentment,
Alicia

Be strong and courageous...

2009-07-14T23:43:00.000-04:00

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Russia has been on my heart... since before I went to Haiti.

There is a group from my church that visits Nalchik, Russia twice a year. They speak at a business school to young Russians who want to learn the American way of business. It is an incognito type of mission trip that doesn't preach the Gospel unless really approached.

I was initially interested in going when Josh had emailed a bunch of girls about going this past Spring- I mentioned it to Jennifer who was going and tried to get me to go but I didn't have my passport and then couldn't get my visa in time. I sat with Pam in her living room days before I left for Haiti expressing my interest and receiving her encouragement. I talked with April about it and we prayed for my God-sized vision...

After coming back from Haiti, I mentioned it to my women's Crew and Lynn suggested the upcoming trip in October. (I hesitated and said I probably couldn't afford it...) I told Jennifer, again, that I was interested and she jumped on the idea! I consulted my sister- hoping she would not allow it! I made excuses about the date not working (missing a wedding to shoot, missing Maria's birthday, and it being only a few months after these other summer trips). Jennifer emailed me about a week ago and I responded with... I'll pray about it.

But in my heart, I know God told me to go. He showed me the people of Haiti... the people of New York and worked within my heart. That, along with amazing teachers in my life, made it so clear what the Lord's call of my life is... and my responsibility to live it out.

I asked Lynn to come over early last night to talk to me about Russia... the activities and just see if she had some sort of wisdom to offer me... She answered my loads of questions and then asked what my fears were. I replied,

1. Finances...raising support to pay for the trip. I thoroughly do not enjoy asking for money... but the Lord is humbling me in this.

2. Skepticism and gossip...this has been made clear to my partner, Lawton. I was worried what others and even clients would think knowing that I was on my third "vacation" in 5 months.

3. Safety...apparently, Lynn read (and shared) awhile back the in the southern area of Russia, North American women have frequently been kidnapped. The area is mainly Muslim and not reached for the name of Christ and therefore we could get in trouble for speaking about Jesus...I cannot tell people that I am there as a missionary.

Lynn made great points. She told me that God would not pull through with finances if He didn't want me to go...reminded me of the way He came through and taught me a powerful lesson with Haiti. She insisted that I should not care or worry what others think... as long as I am working hard in my responsibilities at work and focus on what God thinks of my work. She continues to tell me that she "doesn't feel danger" when she is there (right, Lynn, that's reassuring). She asks most importantly, did God tell you to go? I respond boldly, He did. ...but maybe I could wait for the next go around? She asks me my favorite Blackaby phrase... Delayed obedience is what, Alicia?

Disobedience.

So I tell her I'll keep praying about it. And I pray, and I pray for clarity and wisdom, that God would make it so unmistakeably clear to me.

This morning, I read my devotional, God Calling, and today, July 14 it is written:

'True Success' (Which is funny in itself if you know me, because thats what I think is really what I want out of life.)

Rejoice indeed that you see My Hand in all the happenings and the keepings of the day. Protected, the Israelites crossed the Red Sea; so are you protected in all things.
Rely on this and go forward. You have now entered upon the stage of success. You must not doubt this. You must see this. Beyong all doubt you must know it. It is true. It is sure.
These last few weeks have been the submerging before the consciousness of rescue. Go forward now and conquer. Go forward unafraid.

-----

Okay, I got it... finally.
So, trusting in the Lord wholly, I am being obedient and moving forward with the trip to Russia, October 16-25. Please pray that God would prepare me for this trip- my heart and the plans to be made. Pray for the fears that I have... that I would continue to trust in the Lord with all my heart... and that I would be strong against any attack that may surface. Pray that the hearts of Russia would be open and eager to learn about what makes us 'different'. Please pray for all those who may read this, that they may see just a glimpse of how intimate Jesus Christ can be... and that they long for that relationship too. Above all else, pray that God be glorified through this entire process. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support... I hope that you find this note an encouragement.

I once was lost...

2009-07-13T12:09:00.004-04:00

God is teaching me so much right now.
Almost too much... or I think its too much. I am not a quitter. But I have come to realize that when too much is going on, or there are too many lessons being poured into me at once or too many things to pray for... that it has become easier to just tune it out. Take notes and 'hear' it but not listen to it. Of course I look at this as a competitor and call myself a quitter. That I am not willing to press on- to persevere. I try to think about all the things He is teaching me... thinking that I must organize the lessons I am learning and write out the prayers I have... but that doesn't seem like a relationship. That seems like school work.
How am I approaching what the Lord is teaching me?
I love being fed... through multiple weekly ministries... through multiple women and men in my life that pour into me. I'm not sure if I allow God to teach me as much as I allow His people to teach me... or if I count it as the same.
I know right now that God is teaching me a lot about where I came from. A lot about the lost girl I once was. Showing me that I am still such a sinner, but that through Christ I am forgiven.
I feel discouraged. I feel alone. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I shouldn't be having a public pity party... but then again it is probably good for me to be a tad vulnerable.
I think I will go make a list... my ultimate earthly therapy.

Habitual

2009-06-26T00:02:00.002-04:00

I have this horrible habit of stressing out over not updating my blog because I have so much to catch up on. And not having enough time to catch up on everything so continuously putting it off...
Some huge things have been happening in my life that I will catch you up on... just not now. However, I will bullet point my list so that I remember.

Haiti
Camp Mission
Finding my worth
Renee and Libby leave
Fathers Day
Maria Glassford Photography
Lawton gets Facebook
A season of death
Learning about me through others
Growing through changes

So those are some past things that I will bring up in the near future.
But for now, I have to write.
This weekend I am going to a wedding.
I was unable to bring a date to the wedding at the request of my dear friends, Lauren and Fred, the bride and groom. They initially told me it was because of money and not having their guest number double with dates. AND THEN, I become informed that I am being set up.
So not only am I going to a wedding, but I am going to a wedding alone, and I have a blind date?!
And he already knows about me. But scratch that date thing, because this is not a date.
So I had to buy a new dress. I went before Crew tonight and was in a pinch for time. I tried on probably 20 dresses. And I was shopping alone, which I never do. I usually shop with my sister because she is really honest with me and doesn't let me go overboard (cue my next statement). I bought 7, yes, SEVEN, dresses tonight. I am hanging on to the fact that I was in a time crunch so I couldn't decide on which one... but I am pretty sure I love ALL of them and just thought maybe I will return a few.
I'm excited to shoot the wedding as a guest and not as the photographer. I pray these two will delight in the Lord and hold true to the vows that they speak... that they take every moment in... and unite with a foundation of Christ.

OC(P)D

2009-05-13T13:24:00.003-04:00

Wikipedia (which totally should have been on my top 10 list) has about a three paragraph definition of OCD... so I just picked and chose which parts are applicable to me.
Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by involuntary intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.

And after reading that... add depression to my list of ailments.

Luckily after further examination, I have come to realize that this is more 'me':

Obsessive–Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder which involves an obsession with perfection, rules, and organization. A person with OCPD may feel anxious when they perceive that things are not "right." This can lead to routines and "rules" for ways of doing things, whether for themselves or their families.

I think it is perfectly normal to have things organized. However, the extent of my organization is sometimes crazy.

Amanda came in town yesterday purely to go shopping within my clothes for a weekend in Atlanta. I was excited for this stint of AAA time. However, as she was rummaging through my closet, trying on my shoes and experimenting with my jewelery... I was left... stressed an anxious. Here are a couple of situations that drove me up the wall...

-Apparently not everyone hangs up their clothes all facing in the same direction (why? I don't know.)... so as I went through my closet today finding backwards shirts... I was increasingly irritated.
-I color code my shoes... and face them toward me, so I see the front of them when standing, facing my closet. I also have 2 closets, one with 'Shoes frequently worn' and the other with 'Shoes only worn for special occasions'. Lets just say my killer red slingbacks do not belong next to my Jessica Simpson everyday black pumps.
-I fold my shirts a certain way, like a retail worker with a board. Do not fold the shirt in half, or down the middle.... do not pass go, do not collect $200.
-I separate my pajama pants and boxers. They do not mix, they are pants and shorts. Its easy.
- They came over after I went to church and ate food, emptied pitchers and left things out...
-(Disregarding the closet issues) She was pouring a glass of water and was putting it in a red wine glass. I stopped her and told her there were clean glasses in the dishwasher. She poured water in a stemless white wine glass instead. Le Sigh.
-Amanda slept on the couch... where I was folding laundry previously. When we woke up I asked her which couch she slept on and she immediately responded, "Big couch, folded clothes transferred to the ottoman and socks are on the floor. I will put it all back where it was."

I am left a little more frustrated with myself rather than with them. I replayed all these events in my head and have come to the conclusion that I am crazy. Like if she doesn't want to drink out of a water glass and a wine glass instead- who cares?! Is it hurting me? It was blatantly obvious to them as well, like Amanda was done drinking out of a coffee cup this morning and asked where she should put and and apologized for leaving a spoon out. I don't want my friends to feel uncomfortable when they are here... and I probably missed out on a better time because I was too busy stressing out over something left in my sink or on my counter top.
All these things kind of remind me of when I would stay with my Grandma Louise. She was so particular about how anything was in her home... to the extent of, when the grandchildren were in town, we had to stay in the basement (which was finished... just not filled with grand pianos or antique furnishings) rather then upstairs with everyone else. I don't want to be like this as a host or eventually as a wife and mother... How do I break my insane routine?

It's that time...

2009-05-06T23:55:00.010-04:00

You are so lucky if you are reading today. Yes, its that time again. (I actually can't remember if I have ever done this but cheers to a new tradition.) Drum roll please.

It's time for the... Ten Favorite Things list.

This is where I blog about some things in my life that I am really, really enjoying. (Hold for applause) (if you can think of a better title, please let me know)

1. Lysol All Purpose Cleaner with Bleach! (call me a nerd)
Seriously, I spray this stuff everywhere. It unsticks anything, removes juice stains on counter tops. Its amazing and I use it constantly. Don't judge me.

2. The book of James.
This book won't stay away from me. But I have learned, rather than fight it, just dig deeper. Although it is only 5 chapters, it is so much information and its kicking my butt. I am really excited to finish thoroughly dissecting each and every verse...

3. My friends.
Since two of my bf's are moving away from me in the next month, I have really been focusing on how much each of my friends mean to me. Albeit, I have had to defend myself a time or two about the amount of bf's I have, I would stand up for each and every one of them.

4. Photography
I did a photo shoot with Renee and Chris yesterday and it was a ton of fun! I really enjoyed working with them and I cannot wait until the wedding on Friday! Check out the photos!

5. Living Alone
I wish I could express in words how much I love, love, love, love, love living alone. I love my adorable apartment and the 'mine' I have made it in. I love that my girlfriends just stop over and hang out whenever they want. I love being a host and I actually love to clean...

6. Sleepovers
Sleepovers are like the ultimate girl time. Ultimate. I have had the privilege of having multiple sleepovers lately and I love the time I get to spend with my girlfriends... or lying in bed and just aimlessly talking until someone falls asleep. [Hopefully] I will not be single forever, so I better have my girls sleepover while I can!
(I'm not afraid of sounding like a weirdo here... sleepovers are fun.)

7. Being a bridesmaid
Tiff is planning for her wedding and I love to help her. I am lucky to be a her bridesmaid and her only local bridesmaid-which means I have a lot of responsibility. I am enjoying looking at venues, flowers, dresses, guest lists, the whole bit! Not to mention having a better excuse of getting together!

8. Soccer
I was playing about twice a week before our season just ended. Our summer season starts the end of May and I am looking forward to our team. Sunday soccer still ensues and is something I take a lot less seriously.

9. New Traditions
I have been hanging out with a friend of mine that I have known my entire life but we have never really been close. Until now. We share in a lot of the same activities and are really growing our friendship. We attend many of our nightly activities together and are in the process of forming new, fun traditions. Like sleepovers, dairy queen, DBN and chick-fil-a (the constant food theme may or may not be the strength of our friendship).

10. Yankee Candles
I love good smelling things, which we all do, right? But lately I have been obsessed with lighting my candles (holding a special place in my heart for my long lasting, great smelling Yankees). My favorite scent right now is Vanilla Lime, its a great citrus summery scent and it matched the green in my guest bathroom perfectly!

I want to do something amazing.

2009-05-06T23:47:00.002-04:00

I just don't know what it is supposed to be, yet.

I used to want to do something amazing, be known for something amazing, die for something amazing... purely for my own glorification. Now, I want to do something amazing to honor and glory God.

I have so many passions. I have so many goals, so many dreams... and yet so many fears.

Where will you put me God? Where will you call me? Where will you use me?

I love children, my friends, my family, learning about God, having a business, working, writing, playing soccer, photography, meeting new people, taking a stand...

I trust that God is good and that he has a plan. I trust that he will unfold it at the exact right time... until then I will wait. I will enjoy the passions in my life... and wait. Wait for his word, wait for his command.

Trusting, Loving, Beautiful, Anxious anticipation...

A reading from the book of Alicia.

2009-05-05T14:28:00.002-04:00

I was going through my journal today and came across some very interesting excerpts.

An entry from 12-30-2007 (My journal is blue with the word Believe on it- ironically I was not walking with God when I began...)

---So I recently moved and found this journal. Ironic because I'd say one of my biggest weaknesses is believing, trusting and just plain faith. For some reason I can believe/trust someone I hardly know, but someone close to me and even with myself- it gets a little more complicated.
I have lots of dreams. I dream of my career, husband, wedding, children- just my future. I've been titled high maintenance once or twice (OR A LOT) and I've realized that I am this way for myself. I am high maintenance because I deserve the best. Because I believe my Dad, Mom and sister when they tell me I can do anything I want. So I expect to. And fully intend to. Its time to take control over everything in my life- not just the easy parts.
A new year is upon us and as usual I have a ton of plans/goals/dreams. More than anything, I want to have it all together.---

Little did I know how my world would be rocked in 2008. Phew! What a year it was! My attitude is so funny...so much my past... so in control... so confident. I was ready to hold the world in my hands. Luckily, the Lord broke me... and I am so thankful for that.

Here is an entry from 11-24-2008

---Dear God,
Today they are speaking of shattered dreams in my devotional. I am so thankful that it is so hard for me to come up 2 or 3. Mike may have broke my heart, but I honestly don't know if I would have ever come back to you, had our relationship ensued. My parents divorced when I was 6, I can't truly say that broke my heart. My grandma Louise and great grandma Mackey passed away buy they were in pain and ill, so I know it was better off. I have experienced a lot of trials, but I would never think that i have had impeccable sufferings. My blood disease psoriasis has been extremely...bothersome- but I am alive and able to live a normal life. My family and friends are heatlhy and there for me. And the only really bad things in my life right now, I am slowly getting rid of. I am leaving the house with Brooke and Brittanee; Outback is scheduling me less and I am still surviving. I have an office and great roommates. Lord, thank you for not shattering me and allowing me to see the good in my past situations. Thank you for answering my prayers- either the way I preferred or not. Thank you for constantly changing my heart, teaching me and being so evident in my life. You are so good to me. Help me to be a better witness to your name, to be a better friend and family member and partner. Keep teaching me and reminding me that I am a work in progress. Thank you for your will and having a far better plan than I could ever imagine- let me live it!---

I love looking back and seeing how God has answered my prayers, matured my faith, deepened my knowledge and strengthened my relationship with Him. I am definitely a work in progress...

A relational God.

2009-05-05T09:57:00.002-04:00

I try to explain to my non-believing friends about how God speaks to me. I am sure it doesn't always come out clear and/or makes me look crazy. However, I have become totally content with the crazy card. I find refuge in these little sufferings for the Lord.

Here is another attempt at explaining a way that God spoke to me today:

A friend of mine / partner-if you will, recently called me out on a subject I was unaware she still had issues on. She did this not so tactfully and in front of other people. Other people that we are to lead, disciple and facilitate to... Obviously I was offended but wasn't going to make a fuss about it at that moment. I thought about mentioning something to her the next day and it kind of left my mind. After another week, she confronts my sincerity in an invite I had extended to her. [Because I am uber-sensitive] I am offended, but begin to search my heart. I realize that my pent up anger / hurt feelings must have been conveyed within my invitation.

Then, I do what I do best when a problem arises. I ask Renee for advice. But I kind of told her not to answer me... and that I really need to pray about it. Do I confront her and bring it all up again- mind you it was a minute comment she made and is probably very unaware of it- or do I just let it go- with hopes that it doesn't come back up again? I journaled about it last night and prayed for humility, a softened heart and the words to speak if that was His will.
This morning I got up and had my favorite time of the day- coffee and quiet time. I was reading in James (can't get outta this book!) 2 and it referenced a verse in Leviticus (19:18). So I start reading along in Leviticus, and suddenly, 19:17 jumps out at me:

"Do not hate your brother [/sister] in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt."

(And seriously, who reads Leviticus??)

Now, I understand this may not be as clear for everyone else as I read this, but when God speaks to you through scripture, something about those words just jump out at you... you recognize them, they convict you- tug at your heart, and they give you peace. I read this and my instruction was clear. I would like to clarify that I do not hate this sister of mine... but I do know that anger can grow within me and turn into hate. The truth is, she did something wrong- it hurt me, and I never even gave her the opportunity to make it right. God has made it clear to me what I should do and I will obey immediately.

Dear Lord, thank you for speaking to me this morning and answering my prayers so expediently. I continue to pray for humility as I speak to her. I pray that you would soften my heart as to not attack her, but to rebuke her and above all else to speak to her out of love. I am so thankful for your direction and I pray that you lead me and bless me throughout my day, allow me to be an example of your love and to glorify you in all that I do.

James. Chapter One.

2009-05-01T08:55:00.004-04:00

The book of James is all around me right now. Every facet in my life... I cannot run from it! This week it was in two Crew's and we've been going through it at Summit. During my quiet time today I was praying about it and praying the God would show me exactly what He wanted me to see in it. So I started going through it myself (since I've really only gone through it in small groups or at church), and there is so much there! Not to mention I have underlined words and notes scribbled everywhere. (I almost need to read it through a different bible just so I can go in with a clear head.) It is really overwhelming all the great things in James.
I started at the beginning, and there are a couple verses that really stand out to me- and of course I added my opinions and notes...

-because you know the testing of your faith brings perseverance. (v.3)
I have come from a place where defending my relationship with the Lord was frustrating to a place where I find joy in explaining myself and speaking about Christ. I know this first hand... through trial and test, I have come out much stronger. I can now laugh at persecution and smile when people make fun of me for being a 'little church girl who follows all the rules.'
-he who doubts is like a wave of sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (v.6b)
I meditated on this verse for awhile. I definitely do not want to be a wave, unstable and tossed by the wind. I want people to see Christ's strength in me- to see that I stand on the Rock of Jesus... this is not something I have attained... but moving closer and closer every day.
-God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone (v.13b)
Its funny, because I know I have gotten this mixed up before. Discerning between the accuser's temptation and the Lord's testing is something that I am always learning.
-Then, after {evil} desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (v.15)
-The evolution of death... ironic I know. Where does desire come from? What is the source of your desire?
-Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (v.17)
Mmm, stability... something I long for. It is great reinforcement that every good and perfect gift is from above... I did nothing to deserve it.
-Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to be angry. (v.19)
I have plenty to say about this one... but not a lot of action. Let's just say I need to blow this up into poster size and put it every wall in my house. Or perhaps tattoo it on my face... or I just need to see it frequently.
-Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. (v.21)
I love this. This is like the theme verse for my life. I can see myself just peeling off the moral filth... and living in the word that I have inside my heart- which will save me- which has saved me. There have been many times where I could have fallen, but because I have the word in my heart (and the Holy Spirit of course) I am able to make the decision to not fall, not stray and to stand firm.
-Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. DO WHAT IT SAYS. (v.22)
I take this more like when God is speaking to you, either through the Holy Spirit or through the word. If I could do something over again, it would be to be obedient to God's instructions. One particular instance in my life where I was partially obedient (and very late as a matter of fact) haunts me. I should have talked to her more about it. I should have been stronger in my confrontation. I should have sought a higher counsel. I should have talked to her sooner. What I have learned is that when God speaks to you, do it now and do it completely. Do what it says. Seriously, just do. what. it. says.
-Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (v.27)
Does God accept my 'religion'? Is the religion I live out pure and faultless? Am I involved in religion or a relationship? Easily mistaken... but visible in your heart.

... and that's just the first chapter! That is like the cliffnotes version. (Not going to lie here, but I am thankful the book of James is only 5 chapters.)

This is the way my partner thinks...

2009-04-30T14:18:00.002-04:00

So we (Lawton and I tagged teamed) saved this woman about $8,000 a year for her insurance policies. This woman is an obgyn... so she really didn't even realize she was paying a ridiculous amount of money.
Lawton says to me today, "We saved her a new boat every year for her insurance, she should deliver one of your babies for free... in 15 years."

I thought it was funny.

Quick Update

2009-04-29T17:17:00.005-04:00

In my favorite thing: A list (with bullet points-yay!).

I went a Monster Truck Show this weekend. Don't judge me. (And I had fun. Kind of. Okay, the company was great.)
Extreme Makeover: Crew Edition=FM Women's Crew and our introduction to all the changes went over without a hitch! It was a fabulous evening and we had 12 girls! I was so excited and I cannot wait to see what the Lord will be doing with this group in the future.
I have had such great times with my girlfriends this week... and there is still so much more to come!
I am getting to the point where I am burning out and feeling sick and not able to get better (this is a usual occurrence for me and my body's response when I am doing too much!)
I may or may not be thinking about giving something in my schedule "up" but have no idea how I will decide...
I am going to Metro Cross Seekers tonight (a young adult group at McGregor Baptist church). I have never been there and I am interested in seeing how it is... plus I am going with some amazing girls that I can't wait to spend time with!
Had lunch with my Dad, sister and brother today. I love moments like this where I look up and realize how lucky I am that I live near all my family. Not to mention that we like each other enough to get together.
My house is so settled... with exception of my second bedroom which has become a storage unit.
I was semi (think not even like half)- asked out to lunch on Sunday by a guy at church. And I was sorta freaked out. Like scared. What has happened to me and will I ever really be ready to date? Will God give me peace when its a good time or is it okay for me to just be a freak?
Work is so busy!!
I am so looking forward to a Kentucky Derby Party this weekend. Picture this: girlfriends, dresses, heels, BIG HATS, cocktails and good food. Blissss.

And I shall leave you with this.

"Therefore, prepare you minds for action: be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ' Be holy, because I am holy.' "
1Peter 1:13-16

Ramblings.

2009-04-23T10:15:00.003-04:00

Last night I had a little cocktail party and a couple of my dear friends came over. Renee came over early and helped make food and put things on my wall. I have a ton of photographs that are framed. We were going through them all and it is funny to think of how far I have come since I probably put those pictures in the frames. Or how far we have all come.
[Translation. "How far I have come"= How many of these people I never talk to anymore. "how far we have all come"= the clothes, hairstyles and men we have disposed of since...]
Either way, I am in desperate need of updating my photos.I still have my best friends from high school that I will be friends with forever. But I have made a few new close friendships and met a lot of great people over the past year. It's weird to think that my friends from Crew have only been my friends for a year. I have met a lot of amazing people, got really close with a couple people and gained a best friend and accountability partner out of the group. I am excited to see what God has in store with this mission trip to Haiti in June.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. So I had some of my girlfriends over and ended up staying up late with Tiffany and Jen talking about photography. I took two years of photography class in high school. I know what a good shot looks like and can critique a photograph. Obtaining a good shot is a different story. I am loving being behind the camera. And I feel like between Jen and Tiff and Maria, I am getting a MAJOR crash course in order to be prepared for May 8th. May 8th is the date when Maria and I are shooting a wedding together in Bonita. I am excited. And super nervous/anxious/down right scared. This is some girls wedding day and I am partially responsible for making sure her moments are captured. Maybe I'm in over my head.

Operation OBC Day One

2009-04-22T10:13:00.004-04:00

I kinda started big for day one.
Well actually, it got to 9pm and I had not done anything all day so I went to my back up plan. It was probably the one thing I told Hallie I would accomplish in this thirty days and since I had nothing else I did this.
So there is this guy in Crew that talks to me all the time. He kind of gravitates towards me at any and every event. He constantly chats me on facebook. He came to my birthday party. (The last one doesn't seem huge, its just that only my close family and friends were there early and he was too. Then I kind of ditched him when we went somewhere else, which was awful of me.) I have had numerous people make jokes out his 'attraction'. I felt obligated to nip this in the bud. (Mostly because I have been known to make up relationships in my head and I didn't want this guy doing the same thing.)
So I did what only a respectable girl like myself would do.
I facebook chatted him.
First, I apologized for my birthday and the whole ditch thing. He told me he tried to get my number from my friend who was still in spot A but she wouldn't give it out (that's loyalty). He said he had kind of forgotten about it until now. (phew)
[Now was the hard part, how do I bring this up without making him feel dumb or me look like a total idiot- I had a knot in my stomach.] So I said, I also want to say I hope I didn't ever string you along. And he questioned what I was talking about. I mentioned a couple things that would lead me to believe what I believe (including him telling my friend that he has been "working on 'this' for months"). He justified. I said I just wanted to clarify and make sure there were no miscommunications. He told me if he wanted to ask me out, he would, ask me out. Okayyyy.
So I kind of felt like an idiot. For a second. And then realized defense is defense, you play as hard or as dirty as you want. I sure would. Then, I felt liberated. I felt so good that this wasn't hanging over my head and I wouldn't have to cringe every time he was around thinking he might be thinking something else.
Either way, it was an awkward situation, but I did it, got through it and feel great!
Day one felt great and I am off to today's challenge...

OBC

2009-04-21T00:46:00.004-04:00

Out of the Box Challenge hereinafter will be known as 'OBC'.

My dear friend Hallie (whom I am so eagerly awaiting to visit in NYC for the fourth of July) and I were speaking this evening. At first glance, people would not think we are very much alike... and a lot of people who know us, probably don't think we are a lot alike. And we may very well not be... but we do have a different connection. A deeper one. I have known Hal since eighth grade (it was a great first impression- I was playing soccer in the rain and ran after a ball and slipped in a mud puddle in the neighborhood- and by mud puddle I mean ditch filled with muddy rain water). Over the years we have gotten increasingly closer. There were/are times where we can't stand each other. Actually probably at least once a visit. And I have just come to the realization that it is because we are so much alike.
We were both raised by crazy counselor mothers who would dissect our every thought. As a result, we are over-analytical, critical and left with severe emotional issues. When I act, I like to figure out why I act, why I react, what its "stemming" from and what sort of previous incident is greased to the bottom of this layered cake 'issue'. When I can't figure it out, I go to her. I tell her my issues and we unfold it together. She asks me the questions I have been locking in the back of my head. She doesn't tell me what I want to hear, she doesn't tell me anything really... she gives me the tools to figure it out myself. She is a great counselor.
We have different issues... I am an over-committer- enslaved to my 'priorities' or engagements, she is a flake- fleeting and unpredictable. She lives in New York City and I live in sunny consistent Fort Myers, Fl. She has endured pain and loss and administered strength- a reaction unimaginable for me. We have different beliefs- different views of God- different views of life.

There is a point, I promise.

So tonight she tells me she reads my blog and we are kind of whining about life and work and guys, etc. Then she says we need to push harder and step back from our everyday lives. (I was confused at this point too.) I ask my questions and she says, we need to try things we don't usually attempt (probably because we are too busy over-analyzing and if we truly come to a conclusion that its a good idea, the opportunity has escaped). We conclude to establish the OBC. Out of the Box Challenge will be a 30 day challenge to do something that requires us to step out of the box, feel awkward or out of place- at least once a day. No matter how big or small. We won't tell people about it, just blog about. And we will keep each other accountable, encouraged and find the lessons in the midst of the pain, stomach knots, and/or rejections. We're doing this and we are going to learn a lot... experience a lot... and hopefully step out with some new perspective.
This shall be interesting.

It's an age old question...

2009-04-20T12:54:00.002-04:00

Can a man and a woman just be friends?

My best friend and business partner, Lawton and I are that. But people don't seem to believe it or accept it. I had a client the other day refer to him as my husband. We don't even have the same last name. Hello?
We talk about everything- from business to guys to girls to friends to God. But is it only a relationship that will be short-lived? Once I get married or he gets married will our friendship die and be focused more on a partnership? I feel like our partnership survives because we are such good friends. We really trust each other and we want the best for each other.
A lot of my friends will tease me and tell me that we'll end up marrying each other. And don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, I just can't imagine marrying him. (Even though I have been known to call him my work husband.)
I do know that having a partnership and a friendship with a man is great practice for marriage. It's deeper and different than having a boyfriend- there are money problems, disagreements, confrontations without fear of being dumped, compromises, and other experiences that have made him almost like part of my family.
If the answer is no, then my next question is why? Will my husband or his wife feel intimidated by our friendship? Since I doubt I have met my husband yet, will it threaten my husband that Lawton has known me longer or already knows my quirks, moods and buttons?
AND how will that work if him and I cannot maintain our friendship when I get married? When I get married, I don't want anything to take away from my marriage, so I will have to accept that... and what about the business? Why didn't these questions pop into my head before we became partners? And does it really matter?
Who knows the answers to these questions...I don't have an answer... and I really can't foresee an answer... Its all up to God and clearly isn't worth my worries...

Signature Style

2009-04-17T09:29:00.003-04:00

As a business woman and the president of a company (I just made myself sound way cooler than I really am), I feel as though it is my job put myself in a position to stand out. I long to claim my femininity in an industry full of middle aged boring men. The CEO of a communications company once told me that I was different than what he though of as an insurance agent. That he pictured an insurance agent as a middle aged man (probably with a terrible suit) and dust within his wrinkles. I'll go ahead and add in that this man probably has salt-and-pepper hair, a boring leather briefcase and a diligent, lackluster personality. I am very, very, very far from that. I am young and fun, love fun clothes and suits, great shoes, have an adorable blue leather briefcase, I don't have wrinkles and have an...overwhelming personality! As we are approaching our 1 year anniversary as a company, I am mentally reviewing the many experiences, the life changing accident, the lessons and allllll the things I would do differently the next year.
Which leads me to my subject of the day, personal branding.
In The Devil Wears Prada (the book, not the movie), Miranda Priestly wears a Hermes scarf everyday. She incorporates it in her outfit in creative ways each day. Rev Run sends emails to his friends at the end of ever show as he lounges in a bubble bath surrounded by candles. Michelle Obama and Jackie Kennedy had their style of pencil skirts, sleeveless dresses and pearls (that was hard to describe, but you know their style). Serial killers are defined and named by the way they kill their victims or something they leave at the scene. Donald Trump has horrible hair and the "You're Fired" line. Lisa Sheppard of Remax has the picture of her around town with that awesome hat.
I googled personal branding and found this definition on Wikipedia:
Personal branding is the process whereby people and their careers are marked as brands.
I want a signature thing.
I was thinking something simple... something meaningful... or something not meaningful at all. Just something to do, before my company grows to be huge and I have lots of employees.
I don't necessarily want it to define me, but for someone to think, oh, she always does that.
I don't really have any ideas or suggestions and haven't figured out if I want it to be something in my signature, my emails or something I wear.
Regardless, it shall be fabulous.

Dear Staff

2009-04-16T13:12:00.006-04:00

(my first all staff e-mail regarding new Accurate Insurance Agency regulations)

Dear Staff,

If you (man) come to the office without shaving your face, that gives me the idea that you probably showered and got dressed and came to work. If I (woman) took a shower, got dressed and came to work, I would have wet hair in a bun and no makeup on. Therefore, if it is 'acceptable' for you to come in like that, is it acceptable for me to come in without makeup and with wet hair?

I understand you don't like to shave. I don't like to spend 30 minutes blow drying and straightening my hair. I don't like spending 10 minutes on makeup (not to mention the thousands of dollars I spend...).

You think a three day beard looks sexy. You. are. not. Patrick. Dempsey. It looks sloppy and horrible with your nice button down shirt, pin-striped slacks or slightly homosexual square toed dress shoes.

Also, if you are too lazy to shave your face, you are probably too lazy to be a good insurance agent. (Which isn't the case, but is what I would think if you were trying to sell me something.)

Please wake up and realize this is unacceptable. Just as it would be unacceptable for me to come in straight out the shower.

Best Regards,

Management

Love You. Hate You.

2009-04-16T12:27:00.005-04:00

I have a love / hate relationship with many things. (And come to think of it, people as well.)

One most recent relationship is working from home. I used to loathe working from home when I had roommates. Now that I live alone, it is much easier and enjoyable. I am trying to figure out my schedule for the next few months so that Lawton and I are on the same page, and I am really not sure how often I want to work from home. Lets do some Pros and Cons.

Pros:
I can sleep in an extra hour. I get to work in my pajamas. I can do my hair throughout the day and let it air dry. I don't have to put on make-up or shoes. I don't have obnoxious realtors in my ear. I don't smell Chinese, Mexican or fast food throughout the day. I don't have to deal with Lawton (in person). I can do laundry, watch tv (or dvd's since I don't have cable), listen (and sing!) to MY music as loud as I want, or clean in the midst of my day. I can cook or prepare my lunch and not worry about having salad dressing or silverware. I can light candles. I save $2 by not crossing over to Cape Coral. I save gas (and consequently, the world). I can workout on my lunch break (just throwing it out there...).

Cons:
I find myself on facebook far too much. I don't feel as "together" when I am not dressed. I don't have access to every file I may need. I can't print (although this isn't a HUGE deal but can be super annoying). I do laundry, or clean in the midst of my day, which distracts me. People seem to think that when I 'work from home' that means I have the day off and can babysit or go to lunch/coffee/hangout (mostly because I do those things...). I'm not as motivated. When I work from home I don't usually go outside all day... which leaves me feeling sad when its already too late. I am a slave to my phone.

I am really not sure if I figured anything out through that. Regardless, I had to put it out there...

Sorry I haven't returned your call.

2009-04-15T22:49:00.002-04:00

My blog is like a friend of mine I haven't talked to in awhile. I keep thinking, I have to blog about this, I have to update! I wanna put this picture up! Its like my friend that keeps calling me and I am too busy to talk or return her call... I am just going to do a simple update in the form of a list.

-I love, love, love living alone. This was the greatest choice ever. I love the independence of it... how it allows me to be selfish... and its like my little escape. Not to mention is my ongoing project- I feel like I am at Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond every day buying something new!
-I am going to be a bridesmaid! And so it begins, one of my best friends just got engaged last Friday night. Tiffany and I have been friends since high school- I used to drive her to school every day Junior year (because she is 6 months younger than me). She has a daughter who is almost one (ahh!), Keegan. Keegan and I get to spend a lot of time together since I am one of Tiff's friends that can actually take care of children (thanks Maria). Keegan is my "pseudo niece" and only pseudo so I don't take anything away from my dear Kyla (I am a tiny bit partial)... but I am Aunt LeLe to her. I am the only local bridesmaid of Tiff's, so I know it is going to be some serious work, lots of fun, and great practice!
- Women's Crew is now at my house. My Monday night "bible study"/girls night in is now held at my house. There have been some changes within leadership and I am so pumped for the future of the group. I love being hospitable, albeit I allow myself to get way too stressed out.
- Accurate Insurance is a constant struggle. I haven't prayed enough about this... but we have gone through so many set backs, sometimes I get discouraged and wonder if this is truly what I should be doing. And other times, I think, these are just little hills, show perseverance Alicia and it will be so worth it in the future. Either way, it is hard.
- Outback is okay. I love working like 1 night a week. But I rarely work that seldom- its usually 2 or 3 times a week. I know I am there for a reason, and I know its good for me to be around so many non-believers... I just get sick of working 60 hour weeks. Not to mention hearing language and talk about things that make my skin crawl.
- Maria has started yet another business. She know has a photography biz, shameless plug, www.mariaglassford.com and I am hopefully going to be able to help her with it! It would be awesome to work with my sister in something like this that could be on the side and so fun!
- My babies keep growing, and I am not happy about it. Jonah is so big and he understands things... Carter is still the coolest kid around (and has been dubbed this by our entire church pretty much)... Kyla is such an adorable princess with quite the attitude and a love for boys (my girl!)... Kevin has a love for teaching- or telling you about things if you give him the opportunity, he will go on and on forever... Sean is such a loving boy, he's naive, caring and generous. As much as I hate to see them getting older, I can't wait to see the people they become. (And again, I can't imagine the love I will have for my own children, thinking of the LOVE I have for these five...)
- I am blessed beyond words. I was going to say with my friends and family, but realized I am blessed all around. I have the most amazing girlfriends, sister and Lawton. They are all so unique and different, I can't imagine them not in my life.
- I am loving my relationship with my mother and can't wait for season to end. My Mom and I are getting along great, and I really feel like she is becoming a friend... not as paranoid as before (or at least doesn't express it) and truly interested in learning more about me- in depths. I can't wait for season to end so my Dad isn't so busy and we can gallivant around on sunny summer days and go to lunch... I love the freedom he has during the summer.
- I am taking 4 trips this summer. Ahhhh! I will talk about this more later, but I am going to Wisconsin, Virginia, Haiti and New York City! (And most likely weekend visits to Ft. Lauderdale and Venice)
- I am starting to focus on my habits... eating habits, exercise habits, cleaning habits, hygienic habits, working habits... and try to get my life to a place where I am content and at peace.
- I know more than I give myself credit for. It's amazing to me the verses and lessons that pop into my head when I am going through something or am searching for advice for a friend. I am at a place where God or the Word is the first thing I turn to when I am hurting or confused. Still working on this... but its great to look back at 5 months ago when I knew where nothing was in the Bible!
- Renee is really moving. I think. But probably won't know for another month. This has been a roller coaster ride in itself... God finally spoke to her and her husband this past week. That was HUGE answered prayer- Praise the Lord!

That's all I have for now. But there is more to come my dear friend, I've got a lot on my mind...

From the mouth of a 5 year old.

2009-03-29T23:28:00.002-04:00

Hanging out with my niece Kyla is always hilarious. She has quite the personality and is so much like me, I just have to share the funny things she does (and sometimes embarrassing)!
This weekend we were leaving church, I saw a friend of mine, said hello and proceeded to walk the kids to the car with Maria. I was saying goodbye and the friend of mine was standing like 4 cars away from us. Kyla kept yelling at him about his pink shirt (she's feisty... just like me), then turns to me and says, "LeLe, do you want to marry him?" and before I can even respond, a light goes off in her ever-working head and she says, "I found a guy for you!" Like this was her accomplishment. (Granted, I do tell her to find LeLe a husband...) She then tells me to just go over and ask him. Okay Ky. I'll get right on that.

This evening, Kyla and I were playing memory. Somehow we got on the topic of her wanting a sister. She kept saying it wasn't fair that Ellie, her friend, had 2 sisters and she didn't have any. It wasn't fair that she has to have only brothers that are mean to her (as if sisters are not mean. ha, if she only knew). So then I decided to bring up that maybe one day she could have a sister and she quickly responded that Mommy is not going to have anymore babies. I told her maybe she would change her mind and that we could pray about it. She said okay, go ahead (okay... now works, I guess).
Me: Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for my beautiful family and the time we are able to spend together. Lord, you know I love Sean, Kevin, Kyla, Carter and Jonah
Kyla (interjecting): BUT!
Me (getting to the point): but... Kyla and I would really love for you to give her a sister. God, I pray that, if its your will, you would place it in Maria and Kirts heart to have another baby and to give Kyla a sister so that she can enjoy a relationship like Maria and I have. It's in your name we pray, Amen.
Kyla (sure of herself): So...what did God say?
Me (laughing): Well, we will just have to wait and see... but it may take a long time to answer our prayers... but he will.
Kyla (sighs): Okay.

There are a lot of these interviews with children rolling around and since I do not have kids, I interviewed Kyla. Here are the questions and answers. Hilarious.

1. What is something lele always says to you? i love you.
2. What makes lele happy? when i run to her when she comes to pick me up
3. What makes lele sad? boppa doesnt give her hugs
4. How does lele do to make you laugh? tickles me
5. What did lele like to do as a child? play with my mom
6. How old is lele? I dont know. "Guess", (me). 16.
7. How tall is lele? 8 feet.
8. What is leles favorite thing to watch on TV? Football.
9. What does lele do when you're not around? she plays with herself.
10. If lele becomes famous, what will it be for? making someone happy
11. What is lele really good at? Playing soccer.
12. What is lele not very good at? football and baseball.
13. What does lele do for her job? types paper
14. What is your leles favorite food? chinese
15. What makes you proud of lele? when i jump to you
16. If lele was a cartoon character, who would she be? Cinderella
17. What do you and lele do together? Play the wii
18. How are you and lele the same? Were twins
19. How are you and lele different? God just makes us different.
20. How do you know lele loves you? Because you have a loving heart.
21. What does lele like most about mommy? because theyre sisters and are twins with the same outfit on.
22. Where is lele's favorite place to go? Busch Gardens and Disney
23. When is lele going to get married? When shes a big, big, big person and she finds somebody.
24. Who is going to be lele's husband? Anakin.
25. If you could do anything with Lele what would it be? Play football with her in my grass.

In other news

2009-03-27T12:06:00.003-04:00

Since its been awhile, I figured I would give a brief update on my ever-crazy lifestyle. I decided to move out of Ashby's house as we all were preparing to move the end of April. Since I hate transition periods (anything grey is terrible, I am a black and white girl), I decided to get a move on. I found an adorable 2 bedroom condo to rent, in a great location that is close to everything and has a secluded feel. On my lanai, all I can see is woods. Literally, I cannot see any buildings... its amazing. I am pretty much living in a retirement community. I went downstairs the other day to find oxygen tanks sitting outside the condo below me, being traded out for new ones, I am sure. Joe, the man below me, has emphysema and tells me to "park the heels at the door". Apparently he can hear my stilettos through his ceiling. Sorry Joe. Kevin is always walking around our building. Anytime I go to leave, he pops out of somewhere... or yells at me for not closing the lid on the dumpster (it was open when I put trash in it- I just left it the way I found it- sorry!). (And not really yelling, I am just sensitive.) Peggy calls me Alicia Keys so she can remember my name. She has some blood flow/circulation problems in her legs. She is a sweet lady and wears awesome big sunglasses that I would totally buy. She also walks about 3 steps a minute, so I see her about once a day walking from her car to her condo.
I had a painting party to paint the interior, I got to pick out all the colors and had a great turn out. The place is adorable! I moved all my stuff in the second week of March- but I am still getting settled. I love living alone. I thought I might get lonely, but it is sooo nice.

I am working at Outback in Fort Myers which is going well. I like the people I work with and its great to work with people who I have never gone out and partied with before. So they don't expect me to always go out like I did with the people in Bonita. I am still pretty sensitive to how people talk and the content that talk about in the restaurant business... but I have to remember that God put me there for a reason and I just have to stand firm in Him!

Business is going well. Albeit taking an entire week off to move and celebrate, we are right on track for the month. I am ready to get back to it 100%... and get myself out of depending on anything from a second job. (But I may keep it anyway, for the ministering opportunity and the discount (:) I love what I do, education people, helping them, talking to them and having the freedom to work at 1am or not work till 11am. Its all good.

Everything is great in the fam front. My niece and nephews and just getting so big. Its crazy what they know... they are just a sponge for information. I am loving my sister and Kirt- as usual. Although I wish Kirt and I were closer. I know he is a great guy, but I rarely get to spend time with him because I am either with the kids and my sister, taking my sister away from the kids or with the entire family. I think that our respect for each other is growing... not that we were ever lacking, but it is growing.

My birthday was amazing- as usual! Birthdays are a BIG deal to me... I had a girls dinner on the Saturday before and had like all my best friends (minus Hallie and Ilana) at the same table (which was kind of weird honestly). We went to Bar Louie after and danced all night long. It was a blast. My actual birthday was kinda of frustrating, but turned out fun! We went to Icabods which was out of control, then ate dinner at Outback, went back to Icabods and hung out with some of the coolest moms I know. It ended up being great.

Life is good. God is good. I am so thankful for the people in my life- my family, my friends, my associates... each in their own facet, none like the other. I am thankful for the bird feeder outside my lanai and the beautiful view and the church bells I hear that play songs from The Sound of Music. I am thankful for wine and great conversations with my girlfriends. I am thankful for my apartment. I am thankful for my business. I am thankful for the bible, my salvation and His grace.

Pray expectantly.

2009-03-27T11:31:00.003-04:00

As a child, I was taught to not expect anything from anyone else but myself. That I could rely on nothing but my own capabilities (overly independent single mother... and you-can-do-anything-you-put-your-mind-to father). I have always had leadership qualities and an 'I can do it better on my own' attitude- some might call me a control freak. This train of thought really gets in the way when I am trying to depend on the Lord. But as he always does, He teaches me and proves to me how dependent He truly is-and I know He is dependent... I just am so earthly.

So the last week of the month entered in very quickly this past Monday. We get commission from our car insurance companies on the 5th and the homeowner companies on the 15th. So I pay my rent with our car insurance commission and other bills with the homeowners commission (those are my cuts at least). My partner, Lawton (otherwise known as my work husband) cares about and is always thinking of me and my stuff... So he comes to me Monday and says we only have 2 auto policies on the books for this month, there is no way we (hence, he says, we) can pay your rent with that. We really have to target auto this week. I agree with him, however, there are very few people that just get quotes and switch car insurance within a couple days. People switch at renewal unless you save them loads of money, or switch when their next payment is due. Another catch, we have to have the policies bound by the 27th in order to receive the commission by the 5th. So I call and text and facebook market, etc. AND I pray. I pray that God will either help me make a lot of money at my second job or bring my policies in order to pay my bills! I prayed for our company (something I do not do enough of, because I think I got it...) and Lawton....
And now today is Friday, the 27th. By the end of the day, I will have written 5 new policies this week- that alone will beyond cover my rent and utilities. How cool is that!?
Lawton's mother, who happens to be a an amazingly wise Christian woman, someone I look up to and receive MUCH advice from, always tells me to pray expectantly. This is a hard concept for me... but I am learning. The Lord is teaching me.... always teaching me- and I will continue to learn and learn and re-learn and re-learn. I love when God answers my prayers so specifically and I get to share these amazing experiences with my non-believing friends... God is so good.

"I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes."

Psalm 17:6-7

Quarter-Life Crisis.

2009-02-19T11:24:00.003-05:00

So its clearly been awhile. I'm in a place where I don't really know what else to do but pray, write, analyze and talk about myself (typical).

I'm not even twenty-three and I think I am having a quarter-life crisis. Which makes sense, because I was always an early-bloomer. I shaved my legs before any of my girlfriends. I kissed a boy before any of my friends. I was the first of my friends to have a long, serious relationship. I started a business while all my friends were graduating college...

So I guess it makes sense for me to have a quarter-life crisis before my quarter-life. I'm not quite sure exactly when it happened, but I was driving home from West Palm Beach on Friday and just kind of thinking about life. My mind works so darn fast, so I got some 5 hour analyzing into a 2.5 hour drive. I cried more tears on Friday than I have in a long time. Probably since I found out Lawton was hurt. I just cried and cried and cried. There were multiple things triggering the tears and but all in all, I kept thinking about work and what I am doing to glorify God.

I am an insurance agent. I provide a service to people, to help educate consumers about what they are forced to purchase, ease the process of shopping, and save people money. I have analyzed my job before to see what type of missionary I am... and I think I can glorify God in doing this. But this thought keeps popping into my head and here is where I get confused and therefore antsy. I keep thinking, I have a heart for children, I have felt convicted so often about children in orphanages that don't have food or clean water or are being sold into a life of slavery or prostitution. I am not doing anything about this. Am I being disobedient? Then, I beat myself up over it, and then I wonder, is the devil accusing me? Or is the Holy Spirit convicting me?

I can't just put in my 2 week notice and pick up and move to Cambodia. I have a business (even if I didn't, I still doubt I could just move). I have clients that I have helped, that rely on me for their needs. I have openly (and stupidly) said, "I am so thankful that I had my business before I came back to Christ, so I didn't search through Him and wait for Him to tell me what to do." That line plays over and over in my head- Alicia! You idiot! Why wouldn't you want His plan!?! It's far greater than yours! I marvel in the way people can just pick up and move and follow God's calling. "I am so close to my family, I could never do that", I have said... I know that God isn't here to trick us or to make me eat my words. But I also know that God does test us. I just haven't quite figured out what the test is.

It probably is a test of faith... about going to God with my problems. I miss that so often in my walk. I try to figure it out all on my own.

"Are you the first man ever born?
Were you brought forth before the hills?
Do you listen in on God's council?
Do you limit wisdom to yourself?
What do you know that we do not know?
What insights do you have that we do not have?" Job 15:7-9

The book of Job has taught me so much about thinking I am in control and can do things on my own. Obviously, I am still learning to put it in play. Who do I think I am?!

Merry Christmas to me, in my dreams.

2008-12-10T10:28:00.018-05:00

Every year, my father emails us (the kids, my sister, my brother and myself) a cute note like this:

Hi Kids,

I spoke to Santa today and he is in need of your list for xmas. He asked that you forward them to my email address as his computer is on the fritz. With the economic times he had to lay some of his elves off so take this into consideration for compiling your list. Look forward to seeing those emails soooooooooooon!

Love,

DAD

(He's adorable, I know) Of course, we have delayed in getting back to him... Maria and I were talking about this and how hard it is to come up with a list. When you grow up and make your own money (or spend all your husbands') and there are you things you want, you buy them. If there is anything I would want and wouldn't buy, it means that it would cost a lost of money. In which case, due to economic times (see above), I wouldn't be asking for those things for Christmas. However, if I were to put together a list of things I would want, here is what would be on my list.

1. iPod Touch. I have the original model of an ipod, and I had a nano that was stolen, I just never got a new one. Now, I will be asking for an ipod for Christmas, just not the touch, because I know I don't need one with a touch screen. However, I think it is time to update my 1980's iPod. I mean, it doesn't even have video.

2. If you know me, you know I am a crackberry addict. I always have my phone, I always check my phone and I will always do so. I have to be plugged in, I have to get my emails, I have to have internet at my fingertips. (Have to is an exaggeration... there are times where I 'disconnect' without warning and annoy all of my closest friends and family.) So, drumroll please, the storm. It's beautiful, I know. And like the commercials say, no body does email like blackberry, so when I saw this bad boy, it was love at first sight. Also, I will take 2 while I am at it, one for me and one for Lawton, thinking in a business sense... and giving.

3. Digital SLR, Cannon Rebel EOS. Now, I haven't done a lot of research on this, so I am not positive this would be the one I would want.... but I do want a digital SLR. Maria just got one and I love the quality... and plus, I totally took photography in high school and I am an artist.

4. MacBook Pro. Sleek, portable and precise! This thing is fast, full of features and fabulous. This one sells itself. I could use this for work, fun, photos, editing, but mostly for work... hmm, have to look into writing this one off...

5. The Kindle. This is the iPod of books. You download books right off their Whispernet system, for a cheaper price than buying hardbacks, and its green! I love reading and it would be great to have like 200 books at your disposal at once! I could have a nice solo retreat, just me, the water and my kindle.
6. One Free Year of Services provided by Hillgate Communications. I met with a communications company yesterday (new home of my best friend, Libby, who used to always give me advice and now wants to be paid for it. ugh) But the meeting went well, excited me and got my non-creative juices flowin'. Needless to say I am pumped about the opportunity and hope we can afford to use them. So, if I got one year free, our business would grow immensely and we would be able to definitely afford them after that. (Libby, can you pull any strings?)

7. Black Zoe Coach Bag. Now, this may sound silly, but every year for the past like 4 or 5, I have received a gift from Coach, either from my sister, brother-in-law (picked it out himself...) or my father. I highly doubt I will be receiving anything from Coach this year, (a) because I need another bag like a hole in my head and (b) there are plenty of other things I would rather receive. So, just to go along with tradition, I would love this tote. Its big, spacious and leather...mmm. And while I am at it, I'll take this, this and this. (For business purposes of course.)

8. Starbucks for a year. Because I have realized that $3.87 for a grande skinny vanilla latte every day is not worth it when I can make coffee at home *sigh*. (Simply due to math 3.87 x 5= $19.35 x 52= $1006.20/year...not because of taste or anything like that.) So I would love coffee from starbucks (preferrably delivered, thank you. oh and I will take a NY Times and News Press while we're at it) for one year.

9 & 10. Season tickets (and flights, obviously) to the Gators football games and the Cowboys games.

Obviously, there are intangible things I want for this Christmas season as well, like peace on earth, end to world hunger, and an agreeable, miraculous solution to global warming. And I also realize I am missing the point of the season, this was just for fun :). So... maybe I went a little overboard... but a girl can dream right?

Black Friday Shopping

2008-11-29T18:52:00.002-05:00

Black Friday shopping is like going on vacation. Or getting prepared for it is. This was me the night before.
Comfortable Shoes. Check.
Sweater. Check.
Big purse. Check.
Money. Check.
Neil Diamond Christmas CD. Check.
Coffee. (x3) Check.
Granola Bar. Check.
List. Check.

Maria and I go shopping every year on Black Friday. We usually get up around 5 or 6 but this year we took it a little far. I went to bed around 9pm on Thanksgiving and woke up at 1am. I got dressed, gathered my things (see above) and drove to Marias. We went to Miromar at 2:30 and went shopping until about noon. Ten hours of shopping? Crazy. And we loved ever second of it. We even strategically planned our route based on what time the stores opened. Maybe more than shopping, I enjoy spending this time with my sister because we get to go alone and we have so much fun every year. We had a blast and met up with our Mom, all in all, spending a great family tradition with some of the ladies I love.

Thanksgiving.

2008-11-27T20:39:00.003-05:00

Things I am thankful for...
2008 edition.

1. Jesus. I am so thankful for God's grace and that He sent His son to die on the cross for us! I am thankful for the ways He has made himself evident in my life and the things He teaches and confirms within in this crazy world we live in. I am thankful for His Word and the encouragement and lessons I can take from reading it.
2. My family. I am so thankful for each member of my family, whether near or far, they mean the world to me. I am especially thankful for the friendship I have with my sister and father... who are my biggest support system and most wise mentors. I am thankful for the joy and love that my niece and nephews bring in to my life. I am thankful that my immediate family is close and my entire family is healthy and happy.
3. My wonderful friends. Oh, my friends. I have no idea where I would be without you. I have the greatest friends in the world and even though they may be spread that far, I am thankful for the special relationships we are able to maintain albeit the distance. I am thankful for the relationships I have held on to for many, many years and the ones that have most recently blossomed. My girlfriends are pretty much sisters to me and I love them so, so much.
4. Crew. Crew came into my life at the exact moment I needed it most. Crew has been such a blessing in my life this year. I am so thankful for Chris and his family, the ministry and the friends I have gained through such an amazing, God-filled community.
5. Summit. I am so in love with my church! I am so thankful for the things I learn every week, the amazing praise and worship, and the children's ministry I am so lucky to be apart of. I am thankful for the friends I have made and the friends my sister and her family have made through Summit. I am so thankful to be apart of this body of believers!
6. Lawton. I am thankful that God answered so many prayers and restored Lawton's health. I never though God would deliver such a miracle. I am pretty sure I can saw Lawton's trauma was a blessing (although I wasn't the one lying on the hospital bed for 6 weeks). His injury brought me back to relying on God and his recovery was an evident gift from God. I am thankful for Lawton's health and his friendship. Lawton is a wonderful friend who is so selfless and caring, I am thankful that he is my friend and has become such a great business partner.
7. My business. Even though it is a constant struggle, I am thankful that in such a struggling economy, I am still able to financially survive. I am thankful for the humility and lessons that starting a business has taught me.
8. Soccer. I am thankful for the sport of soccer and the way is has and continues to impact my life. I am thankful for the teams I coach and the great children I get to build relationships with and mentor to. I am thankful for my own soccer team and the friendships I have built through the team and the fun I have on it!
9. My blackberry. I am thankful for my blackberry, my ability to email, text and talk to people. I am thankful for the connection it gives me... even though sometimes I would like to disconnect.
10. My mentors. I am thankful for the wonderful people in my life that I have at an arms reach that help me with any question or problem. I am thankful for those of you who give me advice, teach me and yield me.
11. Starbucks (and caffeine in general). I am thankful for Venti Skinny Vanilla Lattes. I am thankful for coffee, espresso, diet coke and flavored creamer (and the barristas that make my drinks!).
12. Football. I am thankful for Football. I am thankful for football season, both pro and college. I am thankful for the Gators, the Cowboys, the Hawkeyes, the Bears and the Fighting Irish. I am especially thankful for Tim Tebow, Tony Romo and Rex Grossman. I am also very thankful that I get to enjoy football with so many people I love.
13. Black Friday. I am soooo thankful that we have a day like Black Friday. A day where is it completely acceptable to be shopping in the dark hours of the morning seeking the best deal possible. I am especially thankful for the time I spend with my sister and mother on this day and the tradition we have created through it.
14. Holidays. Yay for the holidays. I am thankful for the upcoming holiday season and the gift of family that I am so lucky to have. I am thankful that my out of state friends have an excuse to visit and for giving and receiving.
15. My new house and new roomies. I am so thankful for the new place in which I live. I am thankful for the amazing girls, Ashby and Aris, that I live with and the special relationship we share. I am thankful that I live in a house where Christ is centered and appreciated. I am thankful to live in a house that is smoke-free, party-free and drama-free.

I had a fabulous Thanksgiving filled with family time and lots of communication with great friends. I am so thankful for everyone in my life... each of you mean so much to me and hold a special place in my heart. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope today is a day for reflection of the wonderful gifts and blessings God has given you. Thank you God for being so gracious and giving!

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

2008-11-25T23:32:00.007-05:00

11"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14a I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Jeremiah 29:11-12 has always been my favorite verse. Since I can remember ever reading the bible myself, this meant so much to me. God has a plan for me, HE has worked out a life for me and given me skills and abilities to live the best life possible. This was a verse I relied on for so long, even when I wasn't walking with the Lord, I still knew He had a plan for me. I rested in this fact when I went through trials and darkness... and it always helped.
Today and for a couple weeks now I have been going through a personal struggle over a guy. I have a tendency to make it a game and all about competition. For example, I am interested in a guy and I do my thing to get them interested, when they show interest back, I lose interest and am over it. Got it? Make sense right? Right. So I have been known for game playing. As I have previously stated, I lost any "game" I had... Well, apparently God is trying to teach me a lesson (always, I know). I have found a guy that plays games worse than I ever did... and I am interested in him... and I don't know if its real or if its is because he is a man of God, he is ambitious and has similar goals, or if I look at him as a challenge. Regardless, I have been trying and trying to get his attention and its not working as it has in the past. This has been exhausting and I have been praying to lose all control in God and to no longer be consumed by it. I even searched www.biblegateway.com for verses about losing control, letting go and giving it up to God (I didn't find anything that popped out at me...).
Tonight I was talking to my sister about it and I literally broke down crying. I was ashamed of myself for being a baby and letting it get to me that much. I think the thing that convicted me the most was that I said, "I am consumed by this and I don't want it anymore. All I want is to trust in God." That broke me, all I want is to trust in God, but I am not giving him control. Then, I was led to Jeremiah. I cried and read verses 11-12. Probably for the first time, I read through verse 13, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." I haven't been seeking God with all my heart about this situation... at least not letting go of it. I am trying to tell God one thing, but clearly thinking something else. I know He knows what I am thinking! And then I read 14a "I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity." And it all made sense. It just clicked, as His Word usually does.
God, I pray that I can completely and wholly turn over my heart to you. I pray that even if I cannot ask this of you with all of my heart, that you will change my heart... as you have done so perfectly through my life. Lord, please let me surrender all control and give you the reigns, as I know you have a plan for my future, plans that will prosper me, beyond my wildest dreams, as long as I live in pursuit of you and in accordance to your Will. Father God, I pray that I stay on your path and that I can remain close to you and put you in the center of my life. I give you my struggle, God I know you will no longer allow them to burden me or be a stumbling block. Thank you for a beautiful life and that my biggest problems are getting myself right with you, Lord. I am so grateful to be your daughter, the daughter of the King of Kings! How incredible that not only do you long for me, but I long for you and I get joy from you and you get joy from me... and you have planned my life and want to give me so much after every sin I have committed against you and every time I have broken your heart. Thank you for your mercy and grace, thank you for making my heart heavy and teaching me continuously. Lord, give me guidance and wisdom to handle any upcoming situation and continue in pursuit of 'Letting go and letting God.' In your son's holy and precious name, Amen.

Sunday Funday

2008-11-16T23:01:00.004-05:00

Just a recap of a fabulous weekend...

Friday I moved (and by moved, I mean, sat) in my new office. I haven't really talked about work lately, except for complaining, but I guess I will get to that at another post. I have a new office within another insurance agency (Life, Health and Annuities) in New Brittany (off College and New Brittany Blvd.). The staff I will be working with are very friendly and I seem to get along with all of them very well. It will be nice to get out of the house, aside from running to the post office everyday. We had a U-6 soccer game and Kyla scored a goal (I think we won, we don't really keep track)! And then, we had one of our co-ed games and we won 5-1. My sister, Maria scored a goal (wahoo!) and I assisted two. I, however, am having some sort of anti-magnestism problem with the ball and the net (i.e. my justification for missing multiple goals I should have made). I am so glad I am playing again, especially with my sister. It makes it even more worthwhile when the boys on our team talk about "the sisters" and scream exclamatories like, "The sisters are on Fi-Yah!" heh. Lovin' it.

Maria and I went to dinner at Outback after soccer and she realized how much sin is in that place. Every other word from every one's mouth is a cuss word or calling out my boy Jesus in a bad way. She was really able to see how that can be such a hinder in my walk.

Saturday I woke up and went back to the fields. (Story of my life August thru December.) Sean and our U-12 boys had a game and lost miserably. It was so incredibly frustrating, especially since our boys are better than they played and as a coach, there wasn't much else we could do. Next weekend is our last regular season game before playoffs. I sure hope we can get it all together. We went to lunch with Maria's fam and our other assistant coach, Drummond's family (who are like my BFF's). It was a great time! (Then I took a brief nap and went to the Hell that is known as Outback.)

Sunday I went to church and Nolan spoke about living missionally... (which ended up being a great preparation for my lunch plans). We also had a missionary from New Hope Brazil of Rio speak. They should a video and he told a story that really touched me. I felt God pulling at my heart and calling me to missions... the details of which, I will pray and ponder about. I served in the BigEnuf (4 year olds) ministry for the third service and spent some great time with April and Ciara and some awesome kids. It is so great to see 4 year olds that know about the Gospel. I ran into a friend, Erin (we are going through some of the same things in our life right now...) and she was telling me about a book I should read. I am so thankful for the body that makes up Summit Church and the community that I have gotten to know better and better.

After church, I met up with my mother for lunch. Sigh. My mother and I do not have the best of relationships. She is over bearing, controlling and a complete paranoid worry-wart. Literally, she has police dispatches texted to her phone. (For example, a car crash on I-75; a body found in the Everglades; or 60 year old man drowns in the Gulf.) Regardless of the situation, the lady calls her children to varifying their continued existence. Yes, she will always be my mother. But it is a little out of control... especially when she ONLY calls to (a) check to make sure you are not involved in any previously mentioned disaster, (b) advise you of speed traps, DUI check points or closed bridges/roads/highways, (c) see if you can stop at her house to make sure she didn't leave her auto-shut-off iron/coffemaker/straightner/dryer/dishwasher on or (d) to sit on the phone with her while she gets gas/goes to the atm/drives on a dark road/walks in her house during the dark. It's exhausting just talking about it.

So, we're at lunch and somehow the subject of church comes up. We are talking about the difference between Catholicism (as we were raised and her belief) and Protestantism (the church I belong to). My mother pulls out this hippie-type "I believe Heaven is a place your soul goes when you die, everyone gets in, we all believe in the same God- just different ways of getting there" crap. I am in shock... the mother that took me to church EVERY Sunday, rain or shine, in sickness and in health, relentlessly did not allow me to miss a Catechism lesson, etc. is telling me everyone is going to Heaven and that she doesn't believe in Hell. I pull out a few truths from the Bible and she calls me a Fundementalist. I tell her Jesus is the Way, the Trust and the Life (something we said in every Mass) and the only way to get to God is through HIM and she calls me a right-wing Christian. (P.S. Thank you Jesus for allowing my first "back to following Christ again" witness experience to be with my MOTHER! Boy you know what you are doing...) My sister calls at the exact right time and we finish up lunch, but I am pretty sure I have made my point, maybe as a Fundementalist, but all she offered was opinions as an Idealist. (I'd rather have facts than ideas any day.)

Then I went to Libby's house! Libby has been my best friend since fourth grade. She has been at the University of Florida (Go Gators) for the past 4 years and recently lived in London for 6 months. She is amazing and is living back in the Fort for 6 months before acquiring a 2-year visa to go back to the UK. I am so excited for our time to live in the same city together again! We had a blast just unpacking her room, eating dinner with her parents and going through old scrapbooks (pictures to come soon).

My Facebook Fast is nearing an end and I am thrilled. I have definitely learned to not keep a website as an idol in my life... and am proud of myself for getting through it (30 more minutes!!!!). The upcoming week is going to be cold, and filled with the end of regular season soccer games (for both teams I coach and our co-ed team). I am so ready to get my life back, but I know I will miss soccer and my boys terribly. Every season is the same rotation, I can't wait for it to start, and can't wait for it to end. I am still working on the living situation but I think things are starting to fall in place... or in God's plan.

Eviction Notice.

2008-11-15T01:47:00.001-05:00

Dear Negative Nancy,
I am extremely sorry that I didn't realize you have moved into my body, mind and spirit. If I had known I would have given you a proper homecoming and then asked you to depart. Somehow or another, you have just snuck your way back in and I am pretty upset about it. Therefore, I regret to inform you that you must leave immediately. I can no longer accept your payment to stay here and since you have no right, (your name isn't on the lease...) I order you to go. I don't have time for you anymore and you are exhausting. My friends and family are sick of you. Not to mention, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming, this is definitely not your time to be here. Please go in peace and don't ever return. Thank you.

Love,
Alicia

P.S. I may miss you, but unlike your friend, Misery, I do not want company.

*****

So I have realized I have been a whiny baby lately and not really ready or willing to change my circumstances or take the hard paths God has set forth for me. I have been following two blogs of childhood friends with newborn babies in NICU- one who has a baby fighting everyday to stay alive. I know of people without jobs, losing their homes and worried about feeding their children. People of Haiti that are tormented by voodoo and barely eat, let alone partake in education, entertainment or a relationship with Christ. God is good and as a believer, it is imperative for me to know and understand that, and to exert His joy and to be thankful! I am working on my Thanksgiving "thankful for" list... coming soon! In the meantime, its time for me to stop complaining, trust in God for guidance to fix these problems and kick Nance out on her butt!

Oh, Will, please show yourself to me.

2008-11-13T00:21:00.002-05:00

So today was a much better day. Praise the Lord. I started my day with a devotional and prayer. My devotional was in Isiah 49:16, "See I have engraved you in the palm of my hands." My response to this was how lucky I am to know Christ. That I didn't choose him, but he chose me! How great is that!?! And obviously, since he knows me, he has a definite plan for me. (Which I will let reign in my life, let reign in my life... I am trying here people.)

And I was not completely honest when I posted last night. I left one frustration out... which is funny because its the biggest of all and the hardest for me to give up. I'm putting this out there and trying to be humble... so please be gracious and merciful as you read. And don't laugh, because I know I am silly! One of my biggest struggles used to be with sex. I had previously engaged in pre-marital sex (shocker, I know) and couldn't grasp the concept of a relationship without it. I questioned my patient girlfriends about how it could be possible?! After a lot of praying, God finally changed my heart. I made the decision to commit to abstinence until I am married.

God's working ways are so amazing. Shortly after my decision, not only in my heart, but voiced to many of my friends who will keep me accountable, God opened my heart to the idea of a relationship. I actually wanted to date again.

(Back story: I was in a 3 year relationship where I lived with a guy, got a dog, broke up, moved out, lost the dog, and he knocked up a girl about 6 months later. Ouch. I was a serial dater. Then I became a serial game-player- not wanting anything to do with commitment or even a syllable of the word- where I just kept guys around for my benefit and to call on when I needed or wanted something. I cut ties with a lot of these guys that were at my finger tips and I have definitely been tested... and am still working through getting over my past!)

So He places this desire in my heart and a couple situations blossom. Purely situations... But, the situations I had come to know, were not of God, and therefore, these Godly situations were a bit daunting. For example, I can talk to anyone, I am a question prompter, debater and listener (and talker, duh). So when I used to talk to guys, I had what I like to call, a "game". (This is where it may become humorous.) I mastered the "game"...it usually involved drinking and a lot of flirtation. Cue to my 'situations' that are of God. I have no game... zip, zero. Like Ariel in The Little Mermaid when she can't speak anymore. That's how I feel. Which I know is God because my 'game' is so not of Him. Still, I am left frustrated because due my mastering the "game", it was very easy to get what I wanted out of a situation. Whether it be a drink, phone call, pursuit, invite...whatever... I was able to get what I wanted and take it as far as I wanted- I was in control. Again, cue to my 'situations'- these situations are Godly and therefore, so not in my control. So, I am trying to lose myself in God and rest in the "game" of Trusting Him, rather than controlling little men not even worth my time.

So I had an awesome lunch with my dear friend Ashby. I know Christ has used her to teach me. Sometimes when she gets on these tangents, I know Christ is speaking through her. I am so thankful for her friendship and her ability to be a vice for God to speak to me! I went to her house and she made some awesome healthy turkey panini's. We actually spent our lunch hour [and a half] at the pool... it was so refreshing. And we had great conversation... as always. I was telling her about my struggles and discerning between God's will and my overbearing justifications of "maybe, this could be what He wants..." She is great about helping me get right with God. We have also tossed the idea of me moving in with her and her sister around. I still haven't come to a conclusion, but we threw around some ideas and decided I just need to pray for clear direction. (I am having issues with thinking about living more than .3 seconds away from the fam- Cut the cord already.)

Now that I am trying to lose control and rest in Him, I find myself question is this God's Will or MY will? So I decide that I am going to do a Facebook Fast, just for four days starting at midnight. I am so obsessed with Facebook and since I work on the computer a lot, I constantly pop on and off or just leave it up. It has been a great tool for communicating with my friends, especially my dear friends who have moved across the country and across the world (Hello, my name is Alicia and I am a justifer.) Every night for the past couple weeks I talk to my great friend, Matt, a high school friend who attends Bible College in West Virginia. He is a pastor's son and so wise about the Bible and just man after God. We used to have Catholic vs. Protestant debates back in the day, and frankly, he'd kick my butt. Anywho, we talk every night on Facebook and he has become my Bible Trainer (like personal trainer, but trainer of the Bible). He recently lost his phone, and not that we have talked on the phone much at all, Facebook is our main segway of communication. He never got on all night and as the minutes tick away, I was dreading not being able to talk to him before my fast. Well, at 11:57 pm, he texts me, I found my phone. I mean, really, God? You are so cool. THEN, I was blog-stalking and was reading a girl's blog that goes to my church and was talking about a Facebook Fast. So, I get it God, this is a wise choice (I will talk about the boldness later).

Stick with me here, God is still working and teaching.

So Matt and I text back and forth a bit. The front door unlocks and I hear a bustle, footsteps, mens voices and beer bottles clanking together. (Yay the roomies are home! And they brought guests! How exciting!....sarcasm) Frustration ensues and I am twitching in the thought of living here longer. I ask him to pray for my sleep since people are over and wish him goodnight. ONE minute later, (mind you its 12:17AM) my realtor emails me about the place I saw on Monday asking me what I thought and if I want to move forward.
So now I am left with the question of... is this God sending me a sign? I am I living by my will and ignoring His? (I had kinda decided it my head that I would stay even though my roommate doesn't really pay her bills... or ever even close to being on time) So, God, are you telling me that I should move into this other place? I ask for clear direction... and I think this is clear... what do you think?
(Dear God, please respond to this blog. Please tell me point blank what I need to do. I would like to see, "1 New Comment from God: MOVE _______." Or if you cannot do that because you're on a different internet, perhaps galaxnet, or there aren't computers in Heaven, please speak through my friends in their advice. And soften Maria's heart if I do move. Sorry I am so hard-headed sometimes... I'll get better at seeing Your Will... In Your name I pray, Amen.)

Let Go

2008-11-12T16:00:00.001-05:00

I heard this song today, a song I have heard so many times before and know the words to. I just heard it at the right time, when God was truly speaking to me. I couldn't find the music video or anything but, this at least has the lyrics.

Stuck.

2008-11-12T01:14:00.002-05:00

I am at an ultimate frustration point right now. I am going to throw a small pity party for myself, by myself and then take these things and use them as an axe rather than a chain. Here goes...

I am frustrated with...
-My job. Right now I am doing things that I am not completely happy with. As many of you know, I like to be great at the things I do. So when I am not great, I don't really want to do them. Some may call it pride. And they would be right. Commercial insurance is something I do not know as well as personal. I haven't spent as much time doing it and therefore I am not as knowledgeable and in turn, am very intimidated by it. Granted, there is a much bigger financial opportunity in that side of the business, but since I have not reaped the reward of seeing that thus far, I am frustrated with it. Marketing is also not something I am comfortable with. My friends tell me I could carry a conversation with a wall... and I know I can talk to anyone, but marketing or advertising is just not fun for me. Yet. Going from business to business and facing rejection or wasting my time is no fun for me. But I guess work is not always fun.
-Lawton. Lawton is my business partner and used to be my best friend. I feel like I cannot talk to him about certain things anymore. I feel like he gets frustrated with me, as I do with him. Lawton gets to sit in the office all day and write insurance that is placed in his lap, while I have to do things that I am not comfortable with. He mocks my relationship with Jesus and watches my every move to call me out if I stumble or if I don't act Holy. News flash buddy, I am a dirty rotten sinner and I am okay with that... because God is my judge and you, my friend, are not.
-My living situation. This is just impossible for me to elaborate on. But I have some big decisions to make in the next 3 days... and I don't know if I am strong enough to make them and wise enough to make the right ones.
-Myself.
-My walk. Last week I was on fire for Christ. I loved it and lived it and had a great week. This week I am so down and not feeling it. I am not keeping God as my focal point and the center of my life... and I feel so off track. I am living by my will and not going to God... obviously I have things going on and I know God has brought me there for a reason... I just haven't placed it on Him to bring me through it.
So I know what I need to do. I am having a bad attitude and just hovering over these negative feelings and not doing anything about it. Its time for me to take control... or better yet, lose control. Instead of searching for the answers, I have to just give the questions and the frustrations to God. I know He has a plan for my life... and I yearn to fully commit to His WILL... not my own. I want His Will, because I know His will be much better than mine... its just a matter of resting in Him. Its apparent that I know the right answers here. So just do it. A little less talk and a lot more action.

God, I pray that I can rest in your wisdom. I know that you are more powerful than any plan I may have. I pray that your Will be clear and I respond accordingly. Strip me of my pride and change my controlling heart. I pray that I will follow you obediently and seek you in every trial throughout my life. Please lead me to see the lessons you have planned out and follow the course you have called me to live. I know that you have a plan for me, please give me the yearning to follow it. God, above all else, I pray that you bring me to a place that keeps you at the center of my life and that I continually focus on you. Lead me come back to you and see your mercy and grace every time I fail.

Always being taught...

2008-11-07T08:57:00.002-05:00

Its funny.... once I get rid of these HUGE sins in my life, it is only more apparent that I have so many more, and that each one isn't bigger than the next but all are equal. For some reason, I rested in the thought that "If I just get rid of this and this, I will be wholly yours!". Not so much.
Last week I was reading a verse in Ephesians from my devotional.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
I wrote the verse on a page in my journal and like so many things in my life, thought, I will come back and journal about what this means to me.
Cue yesterday morning. Lawton and I decided I would devote all of Thursday to getting these commercial apps that take a TON of concentration done. God had other plans. My phone was ringing off the hook and I had problem after problem. I was so irritated by 11am, I lashed out at Lawton and was ready to cry. So I decided to go in my room (I work from home mostly), silence both my phones, lock my door, close my slider and just sit, read the Bible, pray and journal. I went to the page and journaled about Ephesians 2:8-9 and what it meant to me. My main point was that I can do anything through Christ because his spirit is inside of me, I have strength through him and he deserves the credit. (For those of you who know me... I may be considered boastful...maybe.) It was a refreshing half hour that gave me a new perspective and the ability to handle these hills with Christ's love! On Tuesday night at Crew, Chris taught us to live and work as slaves, to do the things no one else wants to do. He challenged us to question WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR??
(Stick with me... there is a point.)
Last night I went to Outback and worked by BUTT off. I didn't have many tables but I was doing sidework and running food like a mad woman. I knew the expo manager noticed me, we joked about my food running, etc. We had a post-shift little meeting before cuts were made and the manager, Steve said they wanted to point out 4 people who really went above and beyond tonight and they had a couple prizes for them. I sat there thinking, my name is totally gonna be called... I know I did more than any of these people. 1,2,3,4 names called. None were mine. I was pissed. I thought (in poutiest voice possible) "Fine, if no one is going to recognize the work I do, then I will just stop!" Finally God hit me...
Do not boast. Work as a slave. Credit the Lord for your works, not yourself. Accomplishments are a gift from God and I shouldn't expect to always reap credit and praise.
Thank you God for continuously teaching me and give me the ability to see your lessons in my life, rather than staying bitter and angry. I pray that you continue to teach me and yeild me to becoming closer and more like you.

Changes

2008-11-07T08:43:00.002-05:00

Barack Obama was elected president of the United States of America on Tuesday, November 4th. This election was such an internal battle for me. Both candidates make lavish promises that look great on paper. Obama proposed this and McCain proposes this. What are the odds that any of it will actually get done!?! I can say as a small business owner, well Obama promises to help me, but someone else can arguably say that McCain can help small businesses also. Politics are so frustrating, its amazing I ever wanted to be in the field. Watching the results is one of the monumental experienced you will tell your children about. I went to Crew that night missing most of the coverage... but experienced a much greater lesson in working for Christ and being a slave for Him, doing things that nobody else wants to do. I sat on my couch (on my computer of course) and watched as the numbers soared and a picture of Obama came on the screen with fire-work type displays. Almost like the ball had dropped on New Year's. I felt sick to my stomach. Since I have told about 4 people who I voted for, my friends all ask me my reaction, rather than who I chose. And honestly, I said multiple times before that I thought he would win, but I was in such shock when he did. I felt ill and had so many thoughts racing through my mind. A girl I know on facebook updated her status to God is sovereign. Phew, thank you Lord for reminding me. I looked up the word sovereign and came up with this.

sov⋅er⋅eign

[sov-rin, sov-er-in, suhv-] Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

1.	a monarch; a king, queen, or other supreme ruler.

2.	a person who has sovereign power or authority.

3.	a group or body of persons or a state having sovereign authority.

4.	a gold coin of the United Kingdom, equal to one pound sterling: went out of circulation after 1914.

–adjective

5.	belonging to or characteristic of a sovereign or sovereignty; royal.

6.	having supreme rank, power, or authority.

7.	supreme; preeminent; indisputable: a sovereign right.

8.	greatest in degree; utmost or extreme.

9.	being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc.

10.	efficacious; potent: a sovereign remedy.

Once I read the definitions over and over and realized that regardless of whoever takes over this country, it only happened because God let it happen. God is in control, he is MY president, my King and my ruler. As long as I abide by His laws and follow His will, I know things will be just fine and I will end up inheriting the Kingdom of Christ! Praise the Lord!

I wish I could publish a short post.

2008-11-04T00:51:00.003-05:00

For the past couple days there has been so much going on that I feel like I need to have time in order to blog... but I guess instead of being overwhelmed, I will just do a general update.

Friday was a busy day and I had to meet with the Florida Department of Financial Services concerning an old boss of mine. I am trying to put some things to rest and aid in justice... nothing truly exciting. However, it was Halloween, which was exciting. I had a party to go to and figured out my costume that morning. I decided to be Snow White, so I died a white skirt bright yellow, bought a blue sweater with puffy sleeves and wore a white (popped) collared shirt under it with a red bow, belt and heels. It ended up being creative, classy and cute! (Which was what I was going for just in case I met my husband.... just in case.) I headed over to Maria's house to go start trick-or-treating with the kids... it was so cute. Sean was the character from Scream and got to go off on his own. Kevin was in trouble and stayed behind to hand out candy and talk to my stepmother about Star Wars (hah!). Kyla was Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), Carter was a monkey with a stinkin' cute belly, and Jonah was a puppy dog. They had fun and we all did too.
I can't wait to have a family and have all the kids together, I can see it now, my Dad, Maria, Kirt, me, my husband (eeeerrr... daydream broken). Oh, husband. Right... one day...
So after being with the fam, I went to my friend Renee's house for her Pumpkin Smash Bash... which was so fun. There were a ton of people there from Crew (my church-young adult-bible study community), I met a lot of people that I've seen- but never got to know, got to meet new people (potentials Hubs'), and hang out with some of my greatest friends! It was great to go to a party and not feel like the main objective was getting wasted and hooking up.
Saturday we were at the soccer fields all day, literally from 8:45 until 1:30. Then we went out to lunch with Kirt's father and stepmother, Susan. I love them... and they are family to me. I mean, its just such a natural love and they completely accept me (most likely because I am just a shoe-in Glassford as the pseudo nanny/best aunt ever/never leave their house/pretty much like the kids' 3rd parent). Then I worked... and went home. I talked to my friend Matt, a friend from high school who I have been talking to for a couple weeks now. We always have great conversations and over the past couple weeks, he has become one of my greatest friends.
Sunday I got up and went to church and they cut service early to go to Publix and be the church by donating food for the food pantry. I went in there with a goal to spend $100. The kids kept throwing things in the cart and I just kept seeing the dollar signs flash in my eyes- I had no idea of prices or kept track of how much things were. I got a lot of things and when the check out lady was ringing them up, all I could think was, this is going to be wayyy more than I budgeted (oh well, trust in God). My total came to $100.27. I mean, really? God, you are so good and I really think you have a great sense of humor. I almost feel like He was testing me... lets see if she puts anything back (which I constantly do at the check-out line)... okay, we'll give her a good total, just a tad bit over her budget, just to make her laugh. It was a great experience to give to the community and see so many people from the church living out loud!!!!!!
The rest of Sunday was spent with my family... lunch and a tiny bit of (necessary) shopping at Target. (We are both working on denying ourselves.) Then saw my little Kyla Jean come home and surprise her mother with her ears peirced. Oh. My. This made me sad... because she is getting so big. Dear God, I pray that you protect her and her innocence. Keep her the faithful follower and spiritual little girl she is and allow me to be an example of loving Christ in her life...
The weekend was just so great. It was the perfect mix of family and friends. Unfortunately, not enough rest. Which I am feeling now and I am getting sick. Ugh. Tomorrow (today) is election day so I will be up early praying and voting! I cannot wait for all this to be behind us (even though it really won't)...

Barack Obama Rally

2008-10-30T23:07:00.002-04:00

First of all, I understand this may cause some controversy as the majority of my fan base (ok, my 3 friends that read this) may be sort conservative. I feel like I am having to do this all too often, but I am putting a disclaimer that I am not 100% positive on who I am voting for, I am not discussing my views or opinions, I strictly would like to journal about my day in order to better remember it.

4 a.m. Wake up and I am totally pumped. I woke up easier today at 4 than I usually do at 7.

4:30 a.m. Leave my house and drive to Sarasota in the freezing cold. I believe it was in the 40's.

6 a.m. Arrive to the venue and get in line. It is pitch black dark outside and again we are freezing. My friend Della and I are stoked because it looks like there are only about 200 people in front of us (the Ed Smith Stadium holds about 10,000). In front of us and behind us were groups of young people... and young as in, can't even vote. I think it's pretty cool- that they'd want to see the rally and they don't even get a say in the matter. The kids in front of us were 2 couples, kissing and snuggling. Gag. And they kept smoking cigarettes... which is interesting considering they can't vote...? There were 2 girls behind us that were great. Della and I finally sat down since the line wasn't going to move until 9. We pretty much compared what we felt like to being a victim after the Titanic crashed, freezing and floating on a door from one of the cabins. (Dramatic much?)

7:30 a.m. My friend Leslie and her friend Judy find us and hang out with us in line. (I should have charged them for that.) The line is wrapped around the parking lot of the stadium and onto the street now... thousands of people. At one point a bus of kids drives by and kids are hanging out the window chanting, O-ba-ma, O-ba-ma. This was one of the coolest things to see while waiting outside. There are a ton of vendors walking around selling shirts, buttons and hats. I am tempted and buy a button, but don't allow myself to go overboard. I have to remind myself, I came here just to check it out- this isn't a concert or game for me to just buy merchandise. It's hard not to try to keep up with the Jones'. Every one's in their get-up (I'm just repping Florida and the greatest college on Earth) and its easy to get excited. Maria told me that if I was in the middle it was kind of unfair to go see Obama and not see McCain, because I would get pumped for one and have that in my heart... so I was trying to be totally middle ground. And the sun was coming up. Which was a blessing in its own... beautiful sunrise, which I haven't seen (or I should say looked at) in a very long time. However, it seemed to have gotten colder and a breeze picked up. So we were miserable.

9 a.m. The doors are finally being opened and we are all being shuffled toward the security areas, scanned and searched. We are walking into the stadium (okay, half-running) and we realize we will be on the floor (or field, rather) and get a spot in front of the podium like 4 people from the front. We take turns sitting and standing and reading trashy magazines (which is a huge treat since I gave up Perez Hilton last year...) and whining.

10:20 a.m. Obama's plane flies by the stadium and is headed to the airport. Everyone cheers. I look around and the entire stadium is packed. The stadium seating and what I can see on the field.

11 a.m. Various people come on stage. A pastor prays, a group sings, a girl says the Pledge of Allegiance and then a couple others speak. Nelson comes on and everyone is getting a little pushier and pushier. I now see that there are like 6 people in front of me from the railing now... space is getting tighter and I thank God I am not claustrophobic. Nelson introduces Obama and Obama and several secret service agents (hello, sexyyy, but I checked for rings, mostly married, story of my life) come running out from a tent waayyy behind the podium and music plays (this FMHS football team running from the locker room onto the field. I know horrible imagery). Obama comes to the podium and is waving and smiling and its crazy. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. i mean, when people were having microphone problems, I was close enough to still hear their voice. Can I emphasize that? I saw Obama's crows feet when he smiled and his eyes got all squinty.

Obama talks about a lot of the issues. At one point he brings up McCain's policies and the crowd starts boo-ing. Obama put his hand up in order to stop or calm the crowd and says, you don't have to boo, you just have to vote. This was probably one of my favorite parts.
Obama addresses the socialistic accusations and says something to the effect of, I shared my toys when I was in kindergarten... I split my peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a friend in 6th grade. Now I am a communist? A socialist?
Obama seemed very relaxed, very calm and sure of himself and his respresentations. As much as I was trying to just go there and remain middle ground, he definitely pumped me up for change. He talked about a lot of issues that directly affect me, rather than issues I may support. (Does that make sense?)
We headed out of the stadium around noon. It was such a great experience... something spontaneous that I will look back on and never forget. Now its time for me to figure out where the issues I feel passionately about weigh out in my heart. I know what I believe and what is right... but I have to figure out the presidence of each of those issues...

On a much, much lighter note. We had a soccer game tonight and we played a pretty physical team and we only had one guy sub and one girl sub. Aaaand, albeit exhausted, I still was able to score a goal. Not just a lucky shoot and score, but a beautiful cross from my cocky British mate and I left-footed the ball right into the net. The goalie didn't even see what was coming. (Speaking of cocky...) We won the game 3-0. Great way to end my day. Now its time to snuggle up and rest... I get to meet with the bureau of investigations for the Florida Department of Financial Services (no big, they just hold my licensing and business in their hands) in the morning. I'll be sure to write about that soon.

To my niece and nephews...

2008-10-28T02:24:00.007-04:00

Although I am not your mother, I love you all as if you are my own... and in some capacity it scares me half to death to have my own children if I love you all so much! You are each so special and dear to my heart... and doing amazing things right now. I don't ever want to forget how much you all mean to me and how much I mean to you (this could be fading slowly...) right now.

This is a photo of us in Iowa... not the greatest but me with all of you nonetheless. This is a hard thing to accomplish, but 2/5 smiling, and 4/5 looking at the camera- I'm pretty happy about it.

Sean- You're getting older and establishing quite the 'tude. You are such a sweet and kind boy, its hard for me to see how your personality is starting to change into that of a teenager. I am coaching your U-12 soccer team (with Mom) and it is so hard to separate my aunt and coach roles. I want to scoop you up into my arms like a baby and other times I just want to scream my head off at you. Right now you walk and/or ride your bike to middle school. My house is between your house and your school and you stop over about 3 times a week after school. It makes me feel so great that you will leave your buddies (or sometimes bring them with you, which can be kind of awkward) and come see your Aunt LeLe. Sometimes we try to play card games or just talk but since your mother never stops calling me, she usually makes you come home sooner than I would like. I really enjoy this time we get to spend together.
Kevin- Today was your 10th birthday. You have been in *mmhmm* a bit of trouble lately for some selfish decisions so you were unable to accept gifts this year. You didn't have school so I told you I would bring you anything in the WORLD that you wanted for lunch. You chose either Chinese or Pizza. Since Mom and I are trying to eat a little better- we decided Chinese food would be the way to go. When I got over to your house today you were glowing and so excited... (I am trying not to take for granted that I work from home and have the flexibility to do these things for you). When we were plating up the food you asked me, "LeLe, what if I told you I wanted food from Japan?!", I replied that I would have found a Japanese takeout place for ya! You thought that was clever. Your Gammy Susan and Grandpa Fred gave you $50 for your birthday and since you have to donate all your gifts (see selfish decisions above), you were excited to tell me you were going to buy things for the children for Christmas at Grandma's (Michele, my mom) school. I know you have a giving heart... I just hope we can see more of that in the next 10 years of your life!
Sean & Kevin- I drove you home from soccer today with Mom and we turned on 105.5 and jammed out to Akon's 'Dangerous'... Mom and I were dancing really silly and you two laughed at us. When we got in your driveway we decided to turn up the music and have a dance party with my car doors open. Well, you two jetted and were so embarrassed. Someday you'll realize how cool we are. (Not to mention our fabulous dance skills.)
Kyla- Mom and I are coaching your U6 soccer team right now. Somehow or another I have missed both your goals so far in the season. Tonight you were throwing a fit about the way your cleats were tied before the game and I swear I spent 15 minutes tightening and loosening them so they would be just the way you wanted. You are so smart and aware- you know I have never seen you score a goal. So tonight you had a breakaway in your game, dribbled the ball up the field and scored. I was sooo excited for you and even more excited when you turned from scoring and ran right over to me, jumped in my arms and gave me a hug! Its moments like this that make me remember why I can not move more than 10 minutes away from you guys. Last night you asked me to move into your house and stay there forever. I told you to ask Dad and he said he would have to build a separate wing for me... you weren't satisfied because you wanted me in your house. For now, the 1 street between us will have to do. I love reading and playing with you. I got you this Hannah Montana hair set for your birthday that has a pink 'dye' stick and purple glittery gel... and we love to play with this together. Mom and Dad hate it. But we think it is super cool to put gel in our hair and give ourselves matching pink highlights. We are totally rockstars.
Carter- You are my little man. You have a spirit that everyone recognizes is special. I know you have an old soul... you act like you are about 12 years old and just ramble on and on with facial expressions and hand gestures. Right now you are calling me WeeLe. Which is fine because everything you say cracks me up. Apparently you are just like me (not just the funny and charming parts) because you will go up to anyone and just talk and talk and talk. Sometimes it can be embarrassing but we all let you do your thing. Its been pretty amazing watching you get older and your personality develop, I wasn't there as much for Kyla when she was your age so its incredible to see how you young you were when you started recognizing me. You and I can laugh and laugh for such a long time... the other night after your bath I was supposed to me putting your pajamas on but we just kept tickling each other and laughing hysterically. You think its great to tickle me and its so funny when I crack up. Then Mommy got mad at us for fooling around too much so I put Kyla's princess pajamas on you and pranced around showing them off. It cracked us all up!!!! Then you had to go to bed you said "Goodnight WeeLe," gave me a hug and a kiss and told me you loved me. You are such a special, special boy.
Jonah- Oh, my JoJo, where has the time gone. First off, whatever Mom tells you I brought to the hospital when you were born is probably a lie. Just want to clarify. I remember the night Mom asked me to stay in the hospital with you and her while Daddy was at home with the other kids, I was so proud... but a little nervous. I jumped out of bed everytime I heard you make a noise... (again, if Mom tells you any other stories about me sleeping right through your cries, they are not true) I was so excited to be there for you. And now you are walking around, imitating noises and sometimes you hit me and laugh about it. For awhile there I thought you hated me, (probably because you know what I brought to the hospital the day you were born) but you have started recognizing me pretty fast now. I have been trying to spoil you as much as possible and really win you over, so I think its paying off. Someday you will run into my arms yelling 'LeLe', its just a matter of time. And I just cannot wait for that day.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store for each and every one of you. God has blessed you with some amazing parents who are teaching you to love Jesus, love each other and to be the best people you can be. I know its not always fun because they can be pretty strict, but I promise you it will be worth it when you are my age and you will be eternally thankful. I never want to lose sight of your preciousness and how much I care about you guys. I talk to your Mom and wonder at what capacity I will be able to love my own children because I didn't know my heart could love and care for someone(s) so much. I know someday I will be a better mother to my children because of what I have been so lucky enough to experience with all of you. I love you all so much and hope that even when you can't talk to your Mom and Dad and they aren't "cool" anymore, you can talk to me and trust in me. I will always be there for you... nothing will ever stand in the way of that... I promise you.

So Emotional.

2008-10-27T13:42:00.002-04:00

This may sound silly but I used to be a CRYBABY. I had friends who would laugh at me (Libby) when I would cry in movie. Any slight bit of sadness and bam! cut to me sobbing. Well, after breaking out of a 3 year relationship (in which I cried a lot, during and after) and getting over it all, I felt like I lost my emotional side. Things no longer brought tears to my eyes... little things I was able to enjoy and experience no longer affected me. Looking back now, I realize that I made myself numb to my emotions because the break up hurt soo bad (not to mention him knocking up a girl and having a baby within a year...but I am forgiving him for that, obviously). I could make it through the Notebook without even a slight eye-water. And I would yearn for it... like I would want to experience those emotions so badly.
I don't know when it happened, apparently gradually, as God usually works in my life, but I got my emotions back! I broke down yesterday in church, I cried while reading "Love You Forever" to Kyla last night (yes, she did make fun of me), and cried while reading my sisters post about her birthday (I'll get to that). [Oh and I cried after soccer Saturday... haha, just kidding... kinda.] I haven't completely written about it but God has changed my heart in so many areas of my life that I am sure my emotions are going along with it. I am totally ready to be exposed and experience every aspect of my walk with Christ! Oh, how I love the fire that follows brokenness!
I pray God, that you will continue to allow me to see your evidence in my life as it is so apparent right now. I don't ever want to lose that. I pray that you continue to change my heart and mold me into the woman you want me to be. I pray that you allow my heart to forgive and be joyous and loving. I pray that I can live out YOUR name and be an example of YOUR love... and thank you for all you are doing in my life!

Saved by grace, Godly Sorrow and the One who paid my debt.

2008-10-26T16:41:00.004-04:00

"What does saved by grace mean to you?" is a question I wrote on my bathroom mirror after a devotional I read one day. I wrote it to continue reminding myself that, albeit not deservedly, I am forgiven and saved because Jesus died on the cross for me.
One of my best friends, Amanda (we've been through thick and thin, highs and LOWS and offered a lot to our relationship throughout it all), visited me last night and we spent the evening drink coffee and chatting. It's so great to have a friend that I can have come over while I am in my pajamas, with a messy room and no makeup and not even think about having to entertain her. We just sat on the couch and reveled in our past, laughed about the future and distributed a lot of advice. She is one person that I know will be honest with me and truly listen to me when I speak. So, this morning we were getting ready (me for church and her to visit her family) in my bathroom and she asks me, "What does saved my grace mean to you?" Now, I have seen this on my mirror for months... I understand what it means to me, but have never thought of a sentence necessarily to describe its meaning. I said the first thing that came to me, which was, "It means that I can forgive myself because Jesus has forgiven me." I was pretty proud of my answer but thought, do I really mean that? Or further, do I really feel that? (If you know me at all, that could be a bit humorous.) Interesting thought for me to ponder, but we moved on.
My sister had told me there would be a speaker at church who was an evangelist and author, Jeremy Kingsley. This made me pretty excited but I had really hoped to have led someone to come with me this week. I have been trying for months to get my business partner, Lawton to come and I invited Amanda, she politely declined. (I so badly want the opportunity to lead someone to the Lord!) Jeremy Kingsley, the Evangelist, comes on stage and starts telling us about himself and a story of him on an airplane. He is talking about witnessing, and says something along the lines of, don't pray for a situation to arise, but see the opportunities that are already there. This is something that stuck out to me and I could only think about what Amanda had asked about the question on my mirror.

Jeremy then continues to talk about salvation, Moses and the Israelites, and as I heard it just how easy it is to be saved. So like the Israelites just had to look at this bronzed snake to be saved, I just have to ask God for forgiveness. I need Godly sorrow, not wordly sorrow. Jeremy also said we need to be sorry that our sin hurts Jesus. For some reason or another, this breaks me. Why haven't I thought about this before?! I apologize to people when I hurt them. I am sorry when I hurt other people. But when I sin, it usually hurts me... and I continue to allow it to hurt me... which in turn hurts Jesus. HELLO!?! I am quick to forgive so many others aside from myself. I hold on to things and guilt myself for years and years. Finally this morning, I have realized that I cannot save or teach myself a lesson by feeling guilty about my sin. I have to give it to God, repent and be cleansed. Being broken over hurting Jesus is so powerful... it made me realize how much I really love him- That knowing I hurt or dissapointed him, BROKE MY HEART.
I love when God brings me to a broken place. Although I know it would be exhausting to constantly be broken, sometimes I wish I were. I learn so much in my times of brokenness and I've truly felt the freedom of forgiveness.
And, since God knows that I am stubborn, he drove the bit home a little further when my mother called right after church. (She still goes to a Catholic church as we were raised.) She says to me, "I was thinking about you today in church was the preist was telling us that we have to forgive ourselves in order to be forgive by Christ, and I know how you just hold on to things..."
Got it God. For grace is enough, I can repent to you, you will forgive me and I can FINALLY forgive myself!
Oh praise the One who paid my debt, And raised this life up from the dead.

Narrative Reading

2008-10-02T11:04:00.002-04:00

I've been reading the Shopaholic series lately (Confessions of a Shopaholic, Shopaholic takes Manhattan, etc)... and I don't read narrative books all that often, but when I do, I become the author of my own life. I know that maybe sounds weird... but I will say something and then think in my head 'she said exasperatedly'. And the only place I have to put it all down is on my blog. Sooo that gets kind of addicting.
And I like to read other peoples blogs, but I get angry when they don't write every day.
Even when I don't know them. No, especially when I don't know them. Blogging takes stalking to a new level, beyond facebook and myspace where I only stalk the people I know. I really should be working.
I should do a study on how much more effective I could be without facebook, myspace and blogger.
Last night I was talking to Amanda and I was trying to get off the phone to get some things done (it was like 5:30). The conversation went like this,
Me: "Okay, I'm sorry, but I have to get going"
Amanda: "Whyyyy I'm all alone in a house with no one to talk to but a dog"
Me: "I have to, I have to go mow the lawn before soccer practice."
Pause
Amanda: "WHO ARE YOU?!" She exclaims. (hah)
I know, back to reality, one weekend I am fabulously walking down the cobblestone streets of Orlando and by Wednesday I am lawn-mowing, soccer coaching and church-group-attending. Amanda then proceeded to make fun of my life.
Which she is obviously so jealous of. (Obviously.)
Lawton is coaching basketball at Fort Myers High School. He asked me repeatedly if he could do it but I didn't give him an answer until the day before. I mean, the man could get hurt. Or take time out of business for it. He asked me like a little boy askin' his mama. It was entertaining to string him along with the, I'm not so sure this is a good idea, line. He told me that he thought God was calling him to do it.
Which I ignorantly responded with, you dont even know Him.
I know, bad move. But I let him do it in the end... and yesterday while he was at practice I may have messed something up a bit on one of his accounts and we got into a full-blown-yelling match and all I wanted to say was, "Well if you didn't have practice or were available for phone calls, this wouldn't have happened," but I didnt (yay for being mature!) and later when we re-hashed, he apologized and admitted it was all his fault. (Good boy, Lawton, good boy.)
Sometimes I feel like being a woman is so easy.
And then God will shoot me a lil' something as a reality check. "Got it, thanks Dad."
I have to go get uber-prepared for my 3:00. Pretty much the biggest account I will have the opportunity to quote... and my nail polish is chipped from pulling weeds yesterday.

A lot on my mind.

2008-09-30T23:43:00.004-04:00

1. Do I make things harder than they need to be?
I am well aware of the fact that I am over-analytical... maybe a bit anxious... always stressed...and extremely indecisive. Part of me likes those qualities, part of me hates them, but all of me blames them on my Mother. Every decision I make is a production. I gather the options... and place them in front of every one of my best friends (obvi including my sister and dad as they are two of them) and look for their advice and then make a decision from the collective opinions.
[Note: I should really try making some decisions (aside from the self-destructive ones-I'm good flyin' solo on those) on my own] However, there is no point in starting now... it's not the first yet*.
I am trying to decide what I want to do when my lease is up on December 1st... I have listed the following options. I appreciate every one's input (so basically, you, Maria).
a. Get a 2 bedroom apartment in FM (like Daniels/Colonial-ish), one for me and the other for my office. I have seen some for as low at $600/mo. (eat your heart out Hallie, Ilana, Libby, Amanda, Casey, and Britt). I rarely ever go into the office anymore, so I need a designated office space because my ADD-ass cannot work near a bed, TV, window, refrigerator, etc., and do it productively. I need a feng-shui space that I can close myself in and put up inspiration pictures of mountains that tell me to climb to the top. (Its motivating I tell you.) This obviously will increase my expenses since I only pay $550 now and split utilities and Internet between 2 others. But it'd be nice to have my own space and live closer to the office.**
b. Move in with my dear friend Ashby. She is one of my beautiful church friends, and she and her sister live in Sail Harbor. I would have a much smaller bedroom, but still maintain my own bathroom. I would pay a flat fee of $450/mo and the condo she lives in is beautiful... kinda of like the one I lived in in Bella Terra (the townhouse before the house I am in now). Obviously this is the cheapest of options.
c. Stay where I am. I am obviously not the most happy here as I say very few words to my roommates a day... and it makes it harder that they are sisters. And I snagger and bitch to myself when they leave their crap around and dirty dishes in the sink (dishwasher people!!!!!!!!! HELLO?!) and blah blah (I know I am not perfect and I am sure they think the same if I leave my office stuff around). But I am a road away from my sister (and more importantly my niece and nephews...jk...kinda) and 2 roads from my dad (and his gym and pool), and right next to the interstate, shopping, movies, bars, etc. And I pay $550 and a split the utilities 3 ways. I defo don't have isolated space for my office... I pretty much set up shop on a small desk AND my foyer table... which looks tacky if I don't clean it off every day.
c.ii. There is another opportunity (kind of-?)... this guy Mike that Libby knows is moving to work in North Naples and is interested (I think) in a roommate. I think it may be cool and totally non-petty to live with a guy. And he is interested in the Estero area (maybe Three Oaks) and I was thinking maybe we could get a three bedroom and he could have the master and I could have the other two, one for me and the other as my office... but who knows if he is even interested at this point.
**And what's really the point of moving into central Fort Myers when I never go to the office anyway. I mostly just market now and go to meetings... this way I would be centrally located between all of Southwest Florida.

Thoughts?! Who knows... I know I have time... and in true Alicia fashion I am sure I will stress about it until about November 30th. I want to save money but I also have to think like its investing money into my office space as well. Share your wisdom....

2. Because this is so long I am just going to rant about 2 things... and make this one short. October 1st* is tomorrow (or today technically) and as usual, I am starting the month with new goals (think New Years Resolution-every month) So here's list... I will elaborate on them more later (obviously only if I succeed) and keep you posted on the progress.
- Exercise and eat better. I mean, I eat well... with exception of binge drinking, 2am gorging and the 30th/31st "Last Hurrah" meals. I just need to work out. 11 days (? I've heard 7, 11, 14, and 21, so I'll just psycho-Semitic myself into believing 11) creates a habit... so I need to just do it and get in shape so I can kick-ass on my co-ed soccer team.
- Network more. Join 2 chambers this month and attend at least 2 events. Talk to or market to at least 20 prospects per week. And tell all new people about the biz. And remember to always keep my business cards on me. Always.
-Work 40 hours a week at AIA. (it gets hard when you work 5 ft from your bed/couch/tv)
-Spend less money. Go out less. Save the $4 and make my own coffee (which I have gotten pretty darn good at with exception of once or twice a week).
-Focus more on continuing education... update myself on current insurance news, changes in the market and read more about commercial insurance.
-Read the bible more.
-Make and maintain friendships with men (aside from Lawton). Sometimes I tend to look at men as... well... not friends. Not that I don't like them... its either I'd be interested in them or don't really care to get to know them more or make a challenge out of making them LOVE me. (And I am not even allowing myself to date right now so if anyone else would like to analyze that badboy for me that'd be great.)
Okay... that's all I have for now. As always, your advice and comments are much appreciated... especially the ones that will aide in figuring out my biggest struggles [of the hour].

Oh, and I guess I should add to that to make my own decisions. right.

Timing is everything

2008-09-29T21:30:00.004-04:00

My fabulous weekend trip with AAA.
Alicia, Aly and Amanda

Last night I got home from my amazing weekend trip to Orlando. I went to visit my best friend Amanda for her birthday and Aly came down from Jacksonville. As I previously wrote, Aly, Amanda and I were the crazy girls in high school that were constantly together. We all ended up in different places but keep in touch constantly. We spent time reminiscing, getting ready, relaxing and going out. The three of us are so outgoing and funny- we can always make an event out of the smallest evening out. We spent the entire weeking laughing, analyzing our lives and appreciating the friendship we have. It is so amazing to see how we've all developed into these wonderful ladies... Aly is the philosophical, hippie writer with a style that totally exemplifies it. Amanda is fly-by-the-seat, everything will work out, optimistic, "finding herself" girl that always looks so together. I am the professional, analytical, realist of the group. Together we make for an all-end-of-the-spectrum conversation. They give such balanced advice and we're all able to appreciate each other's unique qualities. It's so beautiful how we've all grown up into more mature, [sometimes] calmed, intelligent, balanced versions of our younger selves. Mind you, we got in plenty of trouble growing up... but we have learned from every trial and tribulation and I truly believe we have all helped each other develop throughout the tough times in our lives.
Friday night we went out on the town with another friend from high school who lives in Orlando too, Elyse. We got dressed up fabulously and hit the town with boas (for Amanda's birthday) and deemed ourselves Sex and the City characters (the usual). Of course I had to be Miranda (because I am the working girl), Amanda was Carrie (totally fabulous style with all the right things to say), Aly was Samantha (the ice queen who always gets her man), and Elyse was Charlotte (the more subtle and relaxed of the four of us). Here's a picture of the four of us, fabulously walking down the streets of downtown Orlando, owning the world.
I am sure we looked obnoxious. But we had a blast. We went all over Orlando and had a great time. Saturday was great, we woke up semi-early, ran some errands, got mani-pedi's and had a beautiful day. Saturday evening we went to an event for Amanda's boss, which ended up being a great networking event for me! I met a ton of great people who can end up giving me a lot of opportunities and business advice/guidance. There was a wine tasting and appetizer time and then we moved into dinner and had fabulous dishes and decadent desserts with yummy cappucino- I think we all felt very posh. This was us all dressed up for the second night...The weekend ended far too soon... but the timing of it was crucial. It was exactly what I needed. I got away from the pressures and business of my life- work, soccer and church... and got a chance to relax and spend time with people I love and love me. I maybe got one phone call, barely any text messages and ZERO e-mails all weekend (my phone obviously didn't get service in Orlando- otherwise I would have been blown up, of course). It really rejuvinated my spirit, intensified my motivation and helped me re-prioritize. I am so thankful for such a beautiful, special friendship that allows me to teach, learn and just be me.
And since I can't have everything... of course I have another lesson to learn- Kyla is again my teacher....
I missed my niece Kyla's first soccer goal ever on Saturday. I was SO bummed. Maria didn't even tell me when I talked to her throughout the day Sunday (AND I EVEN ASKED HER ABOUT THE GAME), but at our game tonight, Kyla ran up to me, jumped in my arms and said, "LeLe, I scored a GOAL on Saturday!!!" Not only was I so proud that she scored, but so happy that she couldn't wait to tell me all about it- as soon as she saw me. I am sure she doesn't care that I wasn't there (this girl is the least petty human being I know, I can just see her saying, "It's okay, LeLe, that you weren't there, its okay." in her reassuring Mommy voice) but its still sad for me to miss those things... but also proves to me that I couldn't live anywhere further away from my family- missing the beautiful moments I get to experience on an almost daily basis.

One of those days,,,

2008-09-26T10:55:00.002-04:00

Look at me... two posts in..like..an hour.

Do you ever have one of those days? I woke up this morning at 7:00, which is pretty impressive considering I am working from home today... usually I won't wake up till about 8:55 to start working at 9:00. :)
I thought it was going to be a good day... started working on some things and sent a couple emails to Lawton (because he thinks I am a total slacker these days...) just so he would know I started working at the crack of dawn. I made coffee... and then my morning took a turn for the worse. I got my creamer from the fridge and shook it up. Well, apparently, I didn't snap the lid closed ALL THE WAY and there I stand, vanilla creamer all over me, my fridge and my floor. Lovely. Automatically I think, crap, is it going to be one of those days? They say, don't cry over spilled creamer...
Then, Comcast got here at 9 instead of between 10-12, which I was happy about. Fixed our home phone line (yay!)... and got a couple of good work calls. So maybe the day is looking up. I will be driving to Orlando around 1pm to visit my best friend Amanda with my other friend Aly. In high school we called ourselves Triple A (AAA), and we were the wild and crazy girls. They are two of the people in my life I can be completely myself and completely honest with. I never have to worry about them judging me or worry about standing up for what I believe in.
I pray that God will turn my day into a productive and joyous day! I pray that I can remain steadfast in my walk this weekend and be an example of Christ's love. I pray for my safety while driving and Aly's safety driving from Jacksonville. I pray that God will bless my time with these wonderful ladies and use me in some way... amidst our crazy behavior.
I am also bringing something with me that is close to my heart... but should release me from a lot... which I will update you more on later...

Lesson Learned: Don't tell your 5-year-old niece a guy a cute.

2008-09-26T08:51:00.002-04:00

I know its been forever, and I completely intend on writing more (I mean, I even have a scratch list of subjects I need to blog on- but thats the story of my life, a list thats never fully scratched out.) but... I... just haven't made a priority of it...
Since I thoroughly enjoy reading all my 'Mom Friend's' blogs about their silly children, I figured I would write an Aunt one...
Maria, Kyla, Carter and I went to Publix the other day ordering the kids' cakes for their joint birthday party. I had to do some grocery shopping so I left with Kyla, leaving Maria and Carter to figure out the cake situation. Kyla had fun being my helper and I got a laugh from her response to the vegetables I was picking out. See, vegetables in the Glassford house consist of corn, potatoes, carrots, green beans (maybe).... and salad?? So when she saw me pick out asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower and cucumber, she gave me responses like, you eat those trees (broccoli) and eee, pickles! (cucumber) and asparagus she thought just looked plain gross. Anyway, she loaded up her hands and we made 1 stop at the cart before returning for more. We were looking at the meat/fish area (which again, she was intrigued/disgusted by) and a cute guy is awile off down the aisle. I make the mistake of saying, "ohh he's cute", this grabs Kyla's attention and she asks me, "who?"
"That guy walking over here in the red shirt," I respond.
"Is he married?" (Obviously the only question to be asked?)
"Well, I don't know, Kyla."
"Why don't you go ask him."
"Ugh, I don't think so."
Then my little five-year-old niece starts trekking his way... and I ask, "What are you doing?!"
"Well, if you won't ask him, then I will!"
Luckily, I pull the whole, Kyla Jean Glassford, get your butt back here right now! She gives a little giggle and remains at my side. However, unlucky for me, he's headed our way. As soon as he is about 2 feet from me, she says "LeLe, here he is, here he is!!" I die. I can feel my face on fire and pretend to be intently focused on picking out something-anything!
He obviously hears her and gives a little smirk. HOW EMBARRASSING! oh, but its not over yet!
We're then in the yogurt aisle and who turns the corner but red-shirt guy!
Again, Kyla says, "LeLe, here he is again! Look right there!" (I obviously see him kid, I am just trying to ignore you or pretend you have mental difficiencies!!!) He is probably embarrassed by now too and scurries off to the end of the aisle and I whisper, "Ky- you can't say stuff like that- you're embarrassing me!"
And she proceeds to yell, "Why?! You said you wanted to marry him!" I know he heard her. I know. Then I told her I was mad at her for doing that and she laughed... mostly because she knows she has me wrapped around her little sparkly pink nail painted finger. We pass by him one last time at the registers and she goes, "Look LeLe, there he is AGAIN!"... takes a look at my face and says, "just kidding!" With a glowing smile.
It was extremely embarrassing, but all the while, I love the little girl. She was only trying to get me hitched. I mean, Maria must coach her into convincing me to get married. Or maybe she just wants some more cousins. Well, I have news for her... it'll be a long time coming.

I-don't-ever-shave-my-face-beard

2008-08-13T15:19:00.003-04:00

So I set out to make sure I was working enough... its so easy to slack off without a 'boss' looking over my shoulder. (I originally set out to work 40, but Ashby said I should try 35 to start because thats what they do in Europe... so I took her advice :-).) So I did it last week and I feel busy now. Which is such a wonderful feeling in the office- like actually having stuff to work on rather than mapping out a marketing plan. It's great to see the effects of my putting in more hours... not to mention when I will start really making money again- I cannot wait for that day!

A girl that works in the office with me and I started a bet on Tuesday, to see who can lose the most weight in a month and we put $50 on the line. Being pretty competitive, I feel like this could be great motivation... as well as the fact that I am broke. I told Lawton I may need to borrow $50 from him next month if I don't win :-). He is so stinkin' skinny he has no idea. We went to Jason's Deli today for lunch (which he wants to go out to lunch everyday... and I dont really turn down free food...) and gets a sandwich on a crossaint with cheese, chips, a peanut butter cookie, a coke, then eats ice cream and we get in the office and he eats Skittles... and complains his stomach hurts. HELLO?! He also says he is growing out a beard... which I think is completely unprofessional and gross... maybe like a goate or something... but a full on-I-don't-ever-shave-my-face-beard. Yuck.

I am once again drained from juggling it all and am sick... or getting sick. But I am taking amoxicillan (sp?) from an old illness and packing in the Vitamin C... so we'll see how it goes.

Okay, I've gotta clock back in to work and finish off my day ;-)

Judgement

2008-08-09T16:00:00.002-04:00

Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

First of all let me say that I am completely guilty of this as well.... but why do people feel the need to judge? Is it because they want to feel better about themselves? I hate when people feel like they can judge me for my acts when I know and usually those people know that I have only one Judge. God is my only Judge and I am on a new quest to stop caring what others think and to stop judging others. Because I am a Christian, can I not partake in "secular" and "worldly" behavior? I cannot go out with my friends and/or drink alcohol? Jesus enjoyed wine. (AND I am NOT using that as a scapegoat to drink...) I am just so over people that are close to me judging my actions... do they not realize that it makes me not want to talk to them about my life? When I get phone calls all night and morning and 20 questions about my night before, its frikken annoying. It makes me want to lie to them or just ignore their calls. I guess its hardest when its someone who is so extremely close to me and I want to tell everything to... but they don't realize I won't tell them things because of how they will judge me and tell other members of their family. It really makes me irate. I try to tell these people they shouldn't judge me... and even if they said nothing to me... I know they would talk about it behind my back. Please stop judging my behavior when you are not perfect yourself... and stop acting like you are perfect. YOU ARE NOT. But I am not continuously calling you out on your sins, am I?
I understand if a friend thinks something I am doing is wrong, please tell me, and I will make the choice of whether or not I decide to change it. Stop trying to make me be like you. I am not you, I am so different from you. One day I will decide to pursue things you may pursue, but until then, I am young, I work my butt off and I am going to enjoy my life- the way I want and feel is suitable... end of story.
Here's to not judging, gossiping or caring what others think! *Cheers!* ;-)

well that was a load off.

Annoying phone calls.

2008-08-09T11:54:00.002-04:00

Fort Myers is so small. I met a nice couple when I went to Happy Hour by myself... isn't that cool? I was talking to Amanda because I had to wait for Lauren to get ready and she encouraged me to go by myself while I was waiting. Anyway it ended up being a fun night and meeting new people is always great. The man of the couple ended being the principal of the middle school I went to! How weird... and the girl of the couple knew my roommate Brooke when she was little! It's so weird how we live in a place where there are so many people and yet everyone knows everyone. I am about to go to the beach and meet up with my aunt and cousins and then off to work at Outback tonight... fun fun. I dont really have much to say but I wanted to write a short post... haha.
My friend Stephanie is losing so much weight... she's totally watching everything she's eaten and has lost 21.5 since May. I wish I could do that... we may be starting some weight loss contests within my office... I haven't decided if I will partake...

Closure

2008-08-08T13:20:00.003-04:00

Again, I am frustrated with my extremely long posts. Not that it matters since the only person who reads this is my sister...

So its been about a year and half since my boyfriend of 3 years, Mike and I broke up. We dated since I was 17 and we ended up living together, getting a dog and then faced a situational break up (something we experienced many times before). I had always expected us to get back together when we both realized we loved each other so much. Well I stopped talking to him for awhile and then we hung out a couple other times and he would do sweet things like when we were dating. Then I went to Chicago for a job interview (he even came to my office in FM-he lived in Bonita- and brought me my favorite coffee, lunch and Butterfinger bar!), I came back, we talked here and there and then poof! he was gone. He stopped returning my calls, and completely ignored me. Later, I come to find out he had gotten his 'girlfriend' at the time, pregnant. Enter devestation. Sigh. Now I find out they're getting married in November. Thats less than 2 years since we broke up- out of a 3 year relationship! Not to mention he has a little baby girl (that he so conveniently named one of MY baby names...to which I will curse him forever). I now know we are not meant to be, and I am so afraid of commitment- most likely because of what he has done to me... but I still think about him... anytime I drive by his work or old house, I keep my eyes peeled for him... anytime I see a damn silver 4-Runner, I check to see if its him. To make matters worse, sometimes I dream about him... and about us getting back together. So since he stopped answering my calls and returning my texts, he has changed his number. I feel like I need closure... and would kind of be interested in talking to him again about his life and plans... to hear him apologize for hurting me... But who knows what would ever be accomplished and if it would be beneficial. Why is closure such a necessity? And is closure really what I am searching for? Or am I just trying to find more reasons why I don't wanna be with him? Why can't I just forget him?

I wrote this on the plane... and haven't posted it till now.

2008-08-08T13:18:00.001-04:00

I am on my way home from Iowa, a trip in which I have gained some very valuable lessons...
First of all, I have come to realize that unlike the entirety of my life, I cannot always just ‘work it out’. I have always lived in this lifestyle that I can work it out. I can work out any financial angst I incur, either by picking up another shift at Outback or waiting until my next paycheck- never longer than 2 weeks away. Being a business owner is tough, and I must start acting like one. I am never promised a paycheck. And sadly, I will never be promised one again. It was probably not the smartest decision to take this trip to Iowa, even if it was a free ticket… as my father so nobly says, ‘nothing is ever free’. I had to think of my food, entertainment, etc. Granted I spent the least amount I have probably ever spent (or since I was 14) in Iowa, I still spent money that could have been very usefully spent on bills, food or gas. I am thankful for learning a lesson at the ripe old age of 22. Seeing as in the previous years I earned twice as much as I needed to pay bills, I have learned the value of saving and heartache of being completely broke. It’s great that I have enough clothes and shoes to fill three walk-in closets, but is that really what I want out of my hard earned money? Not anymore, that’s for sure. At least I learned it now.
Another lesson learned is that I am no where close to being ready for children (as Kyla, my niece would tell me, “You have to find a husband first”). Don’t get me wrong, I know I could raise children- but I know I don’t want to. I went to Iowa with Maria (my sister), her husband and five kids (ages 11, 9, 4, 2, and 10 months). Children- no matter which age- are exhausting and high maintenance. I am at such a selfish time in my life. I want to do what I want to do. I don’t want to be held back by naptimes, bedtimes, feeding times or behavioral issues. So many times I saw Maria (and perhaps she doesn’t feel ‘held back’) having to go put the kids to bed when I hung out with the adults of our extended family. I wanted to spend time with everyone and do everything- and plans are often paralyzed by children (paralyzed, not necessarily killed). DON’T GET ME WRONG, I love my niece and nephews as if they were my own; would do anything for them and would take any one of them as mine in a HEARTBEAT. It has just been beaten into me repeatedly that I am very, very far from wanting to have children of my own.
Maria and I both experience the same nostalgia whenever we visit Dubuque, IA. This is the place we were both born… the place our parents met, the place our extended family lives and the place some of our best childhood memories occurred. Dubuque is so historical. Not just for us, but for our family (my Dad and both our grandparents grew up there) and history in general. The house my grandmother was born in is now a little shop in downtown, where her and her twin sister rotated sleeping in drawer and the crib (her mother didn’t know they were twins and could only afford 1 crib). The bluffs where my Boppa grew up have the most amazing view of the Mississipi River. We still pass by the houses Maria and I were born in, where my father was born and where my father and his 5 brothers and sisters grew up. The history in that town is just amazing. Even though I was 1 when we moved to Florida, Dubuque is still my home. Maria and I always wonder how different our life would be if our parents never moved and how we would have grown up living in such a ‘slow-paced’, safe place. We’ve beaten this topic to death for years that we don’t really even discuss it anymore, just bring it up and smile- we both know what each other is thinking). Aside from a couple aunts and uncles here and there, the majority of our extended family lives in Iowa. We have always been closest to our Grandma Jean and Boppa and its crazy to witness their aging. My Boppa has gotten sick a couple times and it has certainly had a toll on his body. Its so depressing to see loved ones age- so contrary to the invincible grandparents I once thought I had. It really allows me to appreciate what I have and be grateful for those in my life.
Maybe I was supposed to go on this trip for the lessons- above and beyond the ones mentioned in this blog. I love that I am constantly learning about myself… and hope I can take these lessons and do something about them… appreciate the most important people in my life- my family and true friends, realize I have limits financially and that I am a business owner and therefore must make sacrifices, and that I am no where close to being ready to be settled down or held back.

Also.

2008-07-16T13:22:00.002-04:00

Also, why can't I write a short post? Ever?
Here it is...
There's a birthday in my office today and I just ate lasagna and ice cream cake.
But I ran this morning with my Dad. In the rain.
Looks like I will have to do a double workout today. Ehg... hope it was worth it.

Since I have started dieting and working out in the past 2 weeks, I have lost 7 lbs! (Not to be graphic, but part of it I think was due to PMSing water weight. Oh well, I'll take what I can get.)

AND... see I can't stop... I am driving to Naples today to sign up at $3700 client. Niiiice.

Dating...

2008-07-16T12:59:00.003-04:00

Isn't it funny that I post about relationships and dating yesterday and come across two incidents afterward.
Regarding dating, I just feel so confused about it. Like I feel pressured into wanting to date and get these questions, "So any new boys?", "Are you dating anyone?" constantly. I am trying to figure out if I just try to trick myelf into not wanting to date just to not be dissapointed if I dont. Does that make any sense? (This is my issue with, if I can't do it well, I quit.) I know I am not ready to settle down right now, I don't have time to devote to anyone, and I find something wrong with every guy I am interested in (ask my sister, she yells at me about it constantly). I know I am not perfect, but I do believe I am a 'catch'. Also, one of the biggest traits I want in a guy is for him to have a relationship with Christ and to grow together in Him. Now, if I find a guy I am interested in and he's not a Christian- do I count him out? Not to mention I have so much fear in dating a Christian because of judgement he may have toward me... woah... I am just confusing myself now.
So, I dated this guy Ryan right after a 3 year relationship. He was great- tall, professional, nice, Midwestern, gentlemanly, owned his own home, intelligent... as I describe this I am kind of sickened my life of criteria. I was a high-horse single girl who never gave a guy second chances after my long term relationship. I didn't ever call guys, I didn't respond to text messaging, I let them like me more than I'd ever get attached, blah blah blah, all the games. So when he cancelled on a date with me, I was done. While we were seeing each other, I wrote his insurance, so I would talk to him occasionally. And he was a mortgage broker so he'd refer business once and awhile. We've run into each other here and there... no big deal. Anyway so he calls me Friday and Saturday about insurance questions. Then texts me Sunday, "where are good places to go in Fort Myers", so I rattle off some names... He then calls me and talks to me about how this place I recommended was so much fun and hes going back on Friday and I should meet him. Because I am an over-analyzer, I can't stop thinking about what this means (probably nothing)...but he has been in a lot of contact lately with questions and random things... coincidence? You tell me.
Then, I am at work, and a guy who I have known for awhile and consider a very good friend of mine asks me to go to dinner. He just got out of a long relationship and I am pretty hesistant but really don't know how to say no.
P.S. Neither of these guys are Christians... not necessarily agnostic...
So, should I just go with the flow and see where things end?
Or not waste my time since I am not interested?
This is why men hate women... we think way too much!

Longest blog post ever.

2008-07-15T16:51:00.002-04:00

So I set out to actually update and I have so many things I want to talk about… it’s a bit overwhelming and actually makes me want to just forget it! Ah… my life motto… its too hard and I may not do it perfectly, so I’ll quit. I just made a list of topics I want to blog about… so I guess I will just update for now.
**P.S. For my sister and dad- I’ll try not to use such big words so you can understand it ;-).
Regarding my last post…
How sad. I found myself so easily irritated with Lawton… and wrote a million words about it in April. Most of you know that Lawton was a victim of violent crime in Denver on May 16th. We had a fundraising golf tournament for him and raised about $15,000- how amazing! He is now almost fully recovered. He is really skinny and has a tube in his head (outside of his skull but under the skin), so he looks a little weird. He showed me pictures of him in the hospital and it almost brought tears to my eyes… it literally made me hug him, appreciating that he is here. He has come back to work a couple days now which is good… It’s sad how badly I need accountability in every aspect of my life. But I am working on becoming more dependent on God and lose the terrible lessons of independency I learned as a child. (I know you thought you were doing the right thing Mom and Dad, but its okay, I forgive you.)
Accurate Insurance Agency
Work seems to be going well. Define well… I am not so sure. I mean, sales are getting there and I can’t expect to just have some grand opening and become a millionaire (I was never very good at the whole patience thing…). The hardest thing for me is marketing, you’d think my loud mouth would be good at networking and talking to people, but I am so intimidated by it. As bad as it is, I hate meeting with clients because then they see how young I am… I really feel judged by it. So, I know I am a good agent, when things need to get done, I get them done. But when it comes time to grow the business and reach out to new potentials, that’s where it’s hard for me.
I am still working at Outback… which I hate. I mean, its good money, but I feel like it tempts me in some terrible ways. I have posted my resume for a different part time job… so I’ll keep updated on that.
On my walk…
My walk with Christ was totally intensified by Lawton’s incident. I was searching for awhile for Him, and could never get back to that connection I used to feel. I was going to church, reading scripture, going to Crew… but I was still missing Him. After I got the news about Lawton, I was literally broken- I mean, we really didn’t know if he would survive… and if he did, the odds of a full recovery were slim, not to mention it would be 6 months before he would come home. All I could do was pray. God broke me down to a place where I could do nothing else but pray. And that’s when I felt it. I got back to Him…
As many things in life, this has been a constant struggle. A guy I was dating once told me that I was a self-sabotager (that hurts). Meaning, if something comes along that I don’t think I deserve, I will sub-consciously ruin it for myself… follow me? I compare this to my relationship with God. I was CONSTANTLY the child that would push my parents to the limit… and I feel like I do that with God too… like, I don’t deserve His forgiveness so I am going to screw up and screw up and wait to see if he comes back. I test His love… how terrible is that?! I guess its good that I am starting to realize it… now I just have to change it. But he always brings me back. ALWAYS. And He always shows me the crazy way he works… as soon as I break down about something and give it to Him; there He is to show me that’s all I have to do. (My stubbornness gets in the way of most my relationships.)
The Home Front
Brooke and I rarely talk. Its purely just a hi/bye in passing. I am not really uncomfortable at my own home, I just don’t enjoy living here anymore. Granted, I love being 1 street away from my sister and her family, and 2 streets away from my Dad (attachment issues), I just don’t enjoy living here, with Brooke or in this house any longer. I feel like I am constantly finding things wrong with it. Not to mention, Sarah moved out with 5 days notice right before July’s rent was due. Oh no problem, except you pay 1/3 of the rent and now we have to make that up.
I’ve toyed with the idea of moving into my Mom’s house since she has 2 extra rooms. But then I woke up and realized I can barely stand her on the phone, let alone living in the same house as her. I guess I should just start searching for another roommate and forget the idea of breaking the lease.
Relationships
Through Crew, I have met some really amazing people. I have met some seriously great people, people that push me to grow and give me great advice! It’s really allowing me to get the best experience out of Summit too, because before I felt like I didn’t necessarily belong and that I was always “Maria’s sister”… but it’s working well now. Lauren (who I work with at Outback) and I have gotten really close. We are both on this ‘get fit’ program… and have been working out 4-6 days a week and eating a lot better. (I’ve lost 5 lbs!) She and I are a lot alike and laugh for hours together… it’s a nice break from my house- that’s for sure. Regarding male relationships… I am just not into it. And it’s frustrating because I do want to be married… but I don’t want to be married for awhile. But it’s still nice to have that attention… or someone to go out with. But I am not interested in dating and I am afraid I will get wrapped up (typical woman) so easily if I start.

Family
My family is doing well, my niece and nephews are ALL growing up so much and it kinda makes me sad. But I look forward to the days that Sean calls me to tell me about stuff before Maria ;-), I am totally the cool aunt. Maria and Kirt are so lucky because I try to do things behind their back like give the kids candy before dinner or soda when Mom says no… but all her kids usually do it and tell Maria. Like Kyla will brag about it and be like, LeLe said its okay! I know Maria can’t wait to be an aunt so she can do all these things to my children…. My dad is amazing as usual… totally there for me through everything. And AJ is growing into such a man… I miss him in his underwear on our porch making pictures in shaving cream on the lanai slider. I can’t wait for him to want to spend time with his family… he’s in that too cool stage and it kinda hurts.

Alright well that’s pretty much everything… I will be updating more often and remember I’ve got some great topics to share soon ;-).

PSS. Oh and I got a really cute haircut that I love. I'll post pics later.

Blessings and Love,
Alicia

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

2008-04-04T13:10:00.001-04:00

Lawton and I got into a fight today. Or more accurately, I got extremely pissed off at Lawton today.

Brief history about Lawton and me: we met when we worked together a week before he moved to Denver. We had instant ‘chemistry’ (for lack of a better word)… or the ability to relate and get along so well. We stayed friends for two years while he lived across the country. Now, we have had feelings for each other (so strong that I actually broke up with Mike-one of the many times- because I had such strong feelings for someone that wasn’t my boyfriend and felt wrong about being with Mike) but they have developed into a strong friendship. A platonic friendship that has worked its way into a business partnership. And a business partnership that has worked its way into a marriage. We bicker about the dumbest things, but balance each other out so well. He has truly talked me through some difficult ‘life things’, and I can only hope I have done the same for him. And somehow it all works. So, as my business partner, he restrains me from making irrational decisions, and I keep him on a focused, organized path. And as friends, we are so completely honest that we can very easily hurt the others’ feelings, yet have a blast hanging out and very well making fun of the other for those issues we are so honest about.

Lawton and I got a Verizon phone plan together in order to simplify our business expenses, communication and expedience in which he received a Florida telephone (when he was moving from Denver). He picked out the Blackberry Pearl so he could receive his emails, text easily, etc, and I order it, set up the plan, get the phone to him and help him with the Blackberry set up. Well, apparently the part the holds the battery to his phone clicks. It like isn’t completely intact and therefore annoys the hell out of him. Neurotic as it is, when you spend $250 on a piece of electronic equipment, you expect to be satisfied. And satisfied he is not. So, I tell him I will call Verizon to try and remedy the situation. I tell dear Linda of the issue and after 10 minutes of discussion and holding, she informs that I must go to a Verizon retailer to verify there is an issue with the phone and “they will know what to do from there.” There is a Verizon store across from our office, so after lunch, I suggest we stop in there… again, to alleviate HIS problem that I am so graciously handling. We go into Verizon and dealt with a pleasant girl that was just diagnosed with cancer, broke her pinky toe, lost her cheating husband to her mother and had a chip on her shoulder bigger than Mt. Everest. Needless to say, she was pleased to make us her “number one priority.” She opened another Pearl which did the same thing, we tried a different back and Lawton was still not satisfied. So, Katie decides to call Verizon and ‘verify’ our issue to try to get him a new phone, regardless of whether or not she feels there is a problem. Perhaps she dealt with Linda as well, and after a long period of holding and ‘research’, hung up the phone. During this 45 minute period, I am waiting and the counter and Lawton is playing with other phones and looking around the store. For the moment Lawton was at the counter, seeing my frustration, he has the nerve to say, “Well you ordered it!” (“Yes please, can I have the refurbished one with the malfunctioning back? I mean, if you’re out of those, I will just be put on the waiting list…”) Katie then tells us she will give Lawton a new back, we try yet another back on, and it still clicks. I’m irritated. Lawton is irritated. Katie just plain hates life and therefore is extremely irritated. She tells him “it’s just the way it fits”, so which Lawton so kindly (sarcasm) rebuts, “you mean the way is DOESN’T fit?!” To this I am not only irritated, but embarrassed. So Katie tells Lawton he can exchange the phone for another if he brings in the box and the charger and all the accessories. Obviously, no more can be done right here or right now. So I thank Katie for her patience and attempt as assisting and we exit. Lawton then proceeds to say, “Well that was a great idea.”
Ugh- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!
I respond, “What?” And he says it was a great idea to stop at the retailer. Like I thought it up and promised him a resolution to HIS problem. I am furious. I yell at him in the parking lot about how I am going out of my way to help him with his neuroticism, handle everything and he shows his appreciation with a lack of respect and continuance of blame towards me?!? I sit in the car, fold my arms and refuse to speak to him… at this point; he could probably see smoke out of my nostrils as I exhaled. We get back to the office and he keeps asking me if I am okay, if something is wrong and if I am mad at him. I tell him I am mad and that I want to finish working and go home. So I finish working, he sits there as I do not include him or even allow any of his effort toward my task and get up to leave. He’s talking to me in the parking lot about tomorrow and I am short with him and cut him off by getting in my car. He calls me on the way home to find out what is going on with me.
Now, I don’t know if it is a woman thing, pride thing or a man thing- the way all of this went down. I do know that it is very stereotypical; guy makes comment, girl gets pissed, girl refuses to talk to guy and continues to tell him she’s ‘fine’. So he calls and asks what my problem is… and I tell him. I tell him that his lack of respect is unacceptable and that I was only trying to help him and furthermore, his lack of appreciation and recognition for my efforts are exhausting. He then tells me he was joking and that he thought I ‘knew him better than that’. I explain to him that he was pissed at the Verizon clerk, then snaps as me and I am supposed to know that flipped the switch from pissed to joking?!?! Really? So he explains that we are both under a lot of pressure, we want to get this business started and we will be fine once we start working and making money. I tell him I’m done talking about it and get off the phone.
Tonight, I get this email:

Hey,

I'm sorry for the way I talk to you sometimes. I honestly do forget, since we are such good friends, how it can come across when in a professional setting. I promise to stop doing that, immediately! I know we're both anxious to begin. That is an understatement. It really has come together quickly when you think about it. I just think we're so excited and ready for it to begin that we lose patience. I do appreciate all that you do and have done, and I need to let you know that more often.

I believe so strongly in what this can be Alicia. I am absolutely confident in both of our abilities to make this a great success. It is ours. It may not be much now, but when we sit down a year from now, it will be with a steadily growing book of business, and a company that is on the way to becoming financially strong. Security will come. It will happen. I couldn't think of one person I would rather be involved with. I truly mean that. Ttyl.

Lawton

I joke with him about how I “don’t know if I can do this”, working with him everyday and dealing with him as my friend and business partner. We get frustrated with each other, but we still deal- simply for the fact that we have such aspirations for our business and the others’ ability to balance it out and make it all work in the end. I was a bit surprised by his email, but nevertheless satisfied. It really proved that no matter how much he pisses me off, this really can work. I know I’ve mentioned balance a hundred times already, but it’s really what we do. And regardless of how much PMS-ing, bitchiness or moodiness he deals with, he’s still there for me and willing to apologize. I am well aware that I probably overreacted but yelling at him and refusing to speak to him, but at least he admitted fault for the initiation of it. Not to mention he didn’t give up. He called me after we left and then wrote me an email when he got home. His persistence is refreshing… and since I consider it a work-marriage, I am encouraged by the fact that he would go to lengths to settle the issue. I will never understand him, and he will never understand me; but we collectively, we understand that.

Chaos

2008-03-31T15:47:00.001-04:00

I have come to the determination that I love chaos. Now, I know most of you are thinking, well duh, Alicia, we have always known this, why have you not? For years I have just said I like to be busy. I like to work multiple jobs, coach soccer, see my family and spend time with my friends… plan it all, do it all, and live it all. I think my love for chaos is directly related to my problem with procrastination. For example, I cannot get something done right now because later, if I have nothing to do, then I will really have nothing to do. (My ADD is in full affect as I write this blog, so please; try to stay with me here.) If it is Saturday and I have nothing going on (and by nothing going on, I mean no meetings, soccer games, lunches or punctual plans), I think to myself, I can clean my room, do laundry, vacuum, etc. So I go to the living room and find a movie on TV. (I am dissecting my mind here, I am never aware of literally thinking like this.) Because if I don’t watch this movie, and I clean my room, do my laundry, clean the house and later… maybe Sunday, if I have nothing going on, there may not be anything on TV, my ‘chores’ will be caught up, and I will really have nothing to do. And Lord knows my ADD butt cannot have ‘nothing’ to do (being a grammar freak this sentence makes me cringe). So I think that is why I put things off and put things off. Not to mention create more and more tasks for myself. I find no peace in the word simplify (ironic because I never find peace- see I can’t even find peace with peace). Maybe this is why I like yoga… or sleep so much, because it involves peace. Which is interesting because I have begun (and by begun I mean that I am halfway through) reading Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love this book so far. I cannot tell you the countless self-help books, or work tool books I have begun reading and stopped because I get distracted or bored. This is a story, an escape, of this woman’s life and yet I am taking so much from it, reading it as a self-help, or as I’d prefer, a self-discovery book. I am truly digesting her experience and learning the things she writes about. I am digesting and learning so much that I broke out the highlighter and have begun highlighting important points, things relatable to me and my life. And I relate, oh, how I relate to this woman. Currently, I am in India with Liz (metaphorically, not literally), at a Yogic ‘University’, where we study mostly meditation for now. Meditation is something I never understood. Yoga was never something I understood. I play soccer. I run miles. I cannot sit on a mat, stretch, chant and meditate. Ignorant, stubborn me, oh how God works (which is a-whole-nother blog we will get to one day). I was instructed to do yoga by my dermatologist because he said I needed to relax. I need to relax because my psoriasis is stress related. Obviously, with chaos and busy-ness in your life, stress is a prevalent aspect; and one in which I have come to love. So you see, if my life is chaotic, I am stressed, and if I am stressed, then I have psoriasis flares, and if I have flares, then I have worry, and if I busy being worried, then I have chaos. Vicious circles. My life. Back to the doctor. When he ‘prescribed’ yoga to me I laughed. Literally. And neglected his order. I did phototherapy, took pills that required blood work weekly and eventually resorted to injections. Nothing has cured me, most have helped momentarily, but none of these powerful attempts have cured me or cleared my skin completely. And I am not here to pose witness that my psoriasis was healed from yoga. But all the while, I started doing yoga about 2 months ago (approximately 2 years after my doctor suggested I try it). It was such a peaceful experience. Something so unlike the rest of my life. It was a retreat from my busy, chaotic life, and as hard as it may have been, truly allowed me to relax. The sessions are usually concluded with meditation. Again, something that I never understood. This is probably because it is difficult for me, and to be frank, things that are difficult to me, I do not understand and therefore do not attempt. But I lay, relaxed, focused, meditating, and I fall asleep… and this sleep which may sound so simple, is really the essence of the meditation. Because I am not actually sleeping, I am in a meditative state, which I call sleep because I do not know any better. The greatest part of my ‘nap’ is when they ring this bell, which is more like a xylophone, and it gives this high pitch ding, that if in this state, literally electrifies throughout your body. You feel it in every vertebrae of your neck and spine, through your legs and down to your toes. It is a pretty incredible experience. Especially for me, the skeptic. Which is good because if I felt nothing, I probably wouldn’t have gone back. Now, back to the point, I am relating to this writer and her ‘monkey-mind’ as she meditates. I have a serious case of his ‘monkey-mind’, especially when I try to focus on yoga or meditating, where my mind jumps from limb to limb and doesn’t stop. My ex-boyfriend, Mike, and I used to be having a conversation about something, we’d be silent for say, 30 seconds, and I would ask or say the most random off topic thing. I would try to explain how my mind works (“See we were talking about x, which reminded my of y, which is something A experienced, whose uncle is a movie star, which made me think about LA, which made me think about the low carb diet.”) but he would never understand. So, this ‘monkey-mind’ theory made me analyze my life and why I am this way. Why am constantly jumping from one task/thought/passion to another? If I don’t find instant gratification or satisfaction is something or one thing, I skip onto the next, never fully completing the original task/thought/passion. Since I am not at any peace with my life or within it, I cannot discontinue this ‘monkey-mind’ way of life.

Therefore, I have come to realize my life is extremely chaotic- there is no peace, there is not a lot of understading. Furthermore, I have realized that I take pleasure in the chaoticness of my life. And I don’t think I want to anymore. I am pretty sure that I want this out of my life, or the controlled aspect of it, out of my life.

Interestingly enough, I looked up the meaning of chaos. I got these definitions:
1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.
Case and point: I first titled this blog Organized Chaos. But then saw the first definition and decided that is an oxymoron and I am really not organized. I have extremely high organization tendencies- but I am not organized. At least right now I am not. The second definition pretty much sums up this blog. And the third struck me as I am relating my chaos to a state in which I yearn, meditated. I am aware that I cannot have a peaceful, focused, meditative ability in a self induced chaotic life. So I find it funny that the third definition describes the order of the universe… and that chaos is was allegedly what preceded the order of the universe. [To bring it ALL home] Consequently, I am embarking on a more peaceful, and more focused life, an ordered universe that will follow the chaos that identified my life for the past 22 years.

Becoming an adult.

2008-03-29T16:29:00.000-04:00

At what age do we cross over from young adult to authentic adult? Until now, I had always imagined there was some sort of fantasy adult threshold you cross sometime shortly after college and before getting married. However, I am continuously being proven wrong. I assumed after graduating college and entering the “real world” (possibly extending young adult life a little longer until one is reproducing) that women stop creating caddy ‘reality-show-esque’ drama, men forego speaking of how they ‘hit it’, and both parties alike discontinue illicit and illegal drugs, keg stands, beer pong, flip cup, jager bombs, tequila shots and partying until they heave. Don’t get me wrong. Many aspects of my life consist of some of the aforementioned activities… but I am 22 year young and use those as my last little hope of holding on to my youth. And maybe that’s really what it all boils down to. These people that have so recently crushed my delusion of adulthood just want to think they are still young.
I am one to spend time with a melting pot of individuals. We all know I like to talk, am fairly talented at get others to talk and take pleasure in the mere event of socialization. Whether a child, teen, adult or dirty old man, I take it where I can get it. As I mature, I have been integrating an older assembly of friends into my life- that have brought my dreams of adulthood to a screeching halt. I spent some time drinking with friends between the ages of 30 and 35, men I have gotten to know pretty well, some married, some not. They still speak of women (for lack of a better word… obviously not verbatim, nevertheless, I intend to keep the vowel intact) whom- in their glory days I’m sure- they once ‘hooked up with’ or how their single friends ‘hit that’ in Vegas. On another occasion, I sat with a 32 year old friend and discussed the times I ‘experimented’ with marijuana in high school. He then informed me he had a plant of weed growing in his backyard at one point. The backyard of his house. That he owns. That is on a golf course. Really? Really. Another friend, about 35 years old, described how he loved marijuana, cocaine, and above all, ecstasy, but refrained from doing them on a regular basis since he had an addictive personality. Then he proceeded to order another round of jager bombs. Since I am not completely sexist, I have to divulge some of the examples of careless female adults as well. As much as I do not like to expose my own kind, I must not bestow a biased opinion. A 35 year old mother and teacher at a local elementary school recently depicted a night of drinking ‘at the property’ (think back to the keg parties in the woods when we were in high school- bon fire, beer, big trucks- this time with children running around probably pretending they are Nascar drivers) when she was, AND I QUOTE, “shit-faced hammered”. She then advanced upon about her flashing her breasts to her husbands friends, throwing up down the side of her truck and passing out on her lawn (albeit momentarily, the event still occurred). A 40 year old woman I previously worked with created Hills-worthy drama within the office, to the point where she was let go because of it. Hell, the informant of all gossip within Outback-Bonita is one of the oldest employees we have. She knows everything. And disperses it continuously.
Now, as I am far from sheltered, I assumed their would be Van Wilder type men out there that relive their ‘old glory days’ and speak of how many ‘hoes’ they pulled, their pledge class drinking record still hanging at their frat house, and the time they won a beer pong tournament without drinking a single cup. Frankly, I have multiple friends that will end up like this. I also pictured the 40-something, typically blonde, counterfeit-breasted ‘lady’ wearing Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, or my personal favorite, Rave, sliding down her stool at the bar as she slurs discusses the difference between highlights and lowlights. Perhaps a depiction of a family member, this type is not in which I would not socialize among, nor will any of my friends result in. I just never presumed the epidemic would be this prevalent. I just thought ‘growing-up’ happened. Apparently, I am mistaken. And maybe advertising is to blame. Everyone wants to stay young, attractive and sought after. Luckily, I have learned this lesson early enough to not be completely disappointed and prevent myself from this ugly path.

The majority of these events have unfolded within the past six months. Shocked, I digest these stories and begin to ponder. Is this how my life will unravel in my thirties? I know I want to continue to have fun, have girl’s night out, drink martinis during happy hour and have a glass of wine with my fictitious husband before dinner. Will these activities lead me down a reckless path of attempting to clutch on to my youth? I yearn to sip happy hour cocktails and discuss politics; the stock market; and why Roth IRA’s are so beneficial (picture me sitting at the country club with my husband and our close couple friends as our children attend golf and tennis lessons). Does this mean my life will be boring? That I will no longer relate to 20-somethings? Be it if it may, I wish to arrive at the brink of my adult threshold with beauty, class and a dirty martini.

Life Update

2008-03-28T13:43:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated in a very long time. I have been incredibly busy with so many different things, so I will provide an update on everything and hope to continue blogging on a more frequent basis.

Regarding work, I finally quit working at Mountain Insurance and started planning to open an agency with my friend, Lawton. Lawton and I have been friends for the past 2 year while he lived in Denver. We are affiliated with a real estate agent/mortgage broker who will refer us business to pretty much guarantee that we have some business in the beginning. We have had some constraints here and there, but things seem to be working out. I hope to be writing insurance again (as pathetic as it may sound- I am so freaking excited about it!) by the end of next week. I cannot wait to start working again and making money. Not that I haven't been working- I just haven't made any money from the work that I have done. Which aggravates me and makes me think I wasn't as prepared as I should have been. Completely my fault... but I think I am in too deep now. All I can do is continue working at Outback (egh) to pay my bills. For those of you still living off your parents, I applaud you. Being in a partnership is hard work. My Dad didn't want me to go into a partnership because he doesn't think they work, and even fed me the lovely statistic that there is an 80% failure rate of business partnerships. Thanks Dad. When I told Lawton that (in the very beginning of talks), he said, "great, so we'll be in the 20% that do work". He kills me. But we balance each other out. He tells me I am a pessimist, and I rebute that I am just a realist. For those of you that watch Cashmere Mafia, I told him that he would be my work husband... so sometimes he tells me he wants a divorce... hah. I know we can work things out but its hard because we are close friends and are so open with each other that neither one of us will avert from telling the other that we're pissing each other off. Sorry for the ramble... but thats what I deal with on a daily basis. Its like being in a relationship again without any of the good parts. On other work notes, we have set up our office in Cape Coral (yuck-but its free) and I sold my first polcy the other week... which I cant even write or bind since we still have to get our contracts together. It still felt good. I cannot wait for 6 months from now when this start up crap is behind me and we are just pluggin away and making {some} money.

In my weight loss news... the day after Easter I had some sort of flu bug that caused me to throw up everything but the bones inside my body which resulted in a 5 lb. decline in my weight- yes in one day- pretty impressive. As my Dad says, "not neccessarily the way you want to lose it, but its still good nonetheless." My appetite hasn't been the same all week... which could be a good thing. I haven't gained any of it back, so I should really use this as a gunshot to start up again. I work out randomly because I have no routine right now. I need that 9-5 schedule to plan for my workouts. Which brings me to the next few months. I am working at Outback on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays, coaching soccer on Thursdays. So I will be working during the day and then busy as nights everyday except Monday. And I'll have the weekends... which never seem to be mine anyway. The real world sucks.

In relationship/dating news, my friend Lindsay is getting married in July. I recently went to her engagement party in which a lot of happily married couples regurgatated advice that has kept their marriage afloat. Britt [who was there as well] told me she has never seem me leave a social event so fast. I had hot flashes and was sweating. I can't seem to even FATHOM getting and/or being married. Like, how did I think I was ready to marry someone a year and a half ago!? Why didn't any of you slap me?? What's even crazier was that my sister and step-sister both got married at 21, and as most of you know, I just turned 22. And my younger stepsister is on her way to the chapel [I assume] as well. Is something wrong with me? Getting married makes me nauseous. I talked with Britt about it and got those same hot flashes... I kind of think its weird. Or I think my family thinks its weird. Like my grandma and cousin ask me, "are you dating anyone?" and I am like, ugh no. I can't really determine what I want right now. I can't imagine having to check in with a boyfriend and give up the time I spend with my family and girlfriends right now. It would be nice to lay with someone- once in awhile... but then again I just don't think its worth it. As much as I long to be a mother, part of me thinks I want to just be single forever and live selfishly... play mommy through my niece and nephews for the rest of my life. I am sure I will grow out of it eventually... I just hope I'm not too late when I do. Granted, I am only 22... I have my entire life ahead of me. (Knock on wood)... I had a dream last night that I had cervical cancer and was basically saying my goodbyes... scary. Lawton's, brother's wife's nephew passed away last night and has been suffering from Leukemia for the past year... so I am sure that's why it was on my mind.

Also, Sarah, the girl that I hired to work with Brooke and me at Mountain and became our good friend, just moved into the third bedroom at our house. We all have gotten pretty close and its pretty fun to live with your girlfriends and going out buddies. We laugh when we go out because I'm a brunette, Brooke's a redhead and Sarah's a blonde. We offer a full menu...lol.

So I think I have updated things in my life. I will continue to blog and update... regardless of whether anyone reads this anymore....
XOXO

"Leaders don't stand still."

2008-02-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

For any of you who dont know my current situation, I have had some drama between the partners in my agency, making me realize that I need to get out, sooner rather than later. I have been researching some other options that will require a lot of work, and my Dad has been with me every step of the way. Even more recently, another opportunity has risen that will require me to wait until next week before further steps toward that opportunity. Got it??
So I was complaining to my Dad yesterday about how bored I am. I told him that my days are all screwed up from picking shifts up at Outback and how I hate working from home because it messes up my work out schedule and that I feel as though I am at a stand still from a professional point. And of course he comes back with, "Leaders don't stand still." He tells me that I should be progressing forward regardless of whats to happen within the next two weeks. (Queen of Excuses) I shoot him back some different reasons and how I cant sleep and by the time I wake up its too hot to run, etc, etc, etc. So he devises a nice little plan for me. He tells me to go to bed around 11 or 11:30. Make a list of the things that need to get done the following day (and if I keep the list handy, I will constantly be adding to it since there is always something to be done!), read and go to bed by midnight. If I wake up at 8, I will have time to work out for an hour, eat breakfast and start my day, still being available via telephone by 9 am. Perfect. So last night, I lay down, write a monstrous list (and I've been soo bored!), start reading a new book (I have resulted to fiction for before bed otherwise my mind runs even further when I analyze my work ethic or life or whatever) and go to bed by 12. I woke up today at 7. Then again at 8, and then finally at 9. Ugh, I ruined the very first day! (Is it really necessary for me to get 9 hours of sleep- that makes me just feel lazy!) Anyway, that is my new plan, and I will let you know how it goes.
Yesterday was fun, I made coffee in the morning, and had a cup for breakfast. I got a little work done in the morning (okay, I checked FB, MS and perezhilton.com). Got ready and went to CoCoPt with Maria and the kiddies. I had to get some prices adjusted on a purchase at Express. We ate Chinese for lunch (mistake) and I had chicken and broccoli and orange chicken. Then, of course, the kids had to have ice cream. My sugar-aholic sister about had a heart attack when I mentioned I may not have anything. But I did. I got a kiddie cup, but Carter ate most of it anyway... so it worked out. I went grocery shopping for healthy food, went to the post office and headed home. I went for a run/walk around 6... the air had gotten cold again which made it hard for my to breath (in through the nose, out through the mouth- REPEAT). I ran/walked for 30 minutes and headed home to do strength training and abs. I am getting bored with my workout. I will have to result to my ever-so-trustworthy issues of Shape for some new ideas. Then, I grilled chicken and veggies and ate dinner. I was really full fast- probably from drinking so much water. Anyway, I know I worked out hard because I am sore today! Ouch, squats and lunges will be my demise.
Well, I am going to go eat an apple, make some coffee and start attacking this list. I'll be sure to keep you update throughout ALL my lifestyle changes!

10 Lbs Down

2008-02-10T22:17:00.000-05:00

I am terrible. I know. Most of you know that my life is in shambles right now. So I have been a little busy trying to fix it and havent been on the computer as much as I used to. Update on my weightloss, I missed my goal for the first. However, Saturday when I weighed in, I was officially down 10 lbs! I was thrilled! Working from home is really messing with my workouts! Believe it or not, I feel like I have less time... or cant quite fit it in my schedule. How lame am I?
I need to get back on the wagon, officially. Seriously, I am not going to make any promises I cannot fulfill... but I am going to work harder on my diet / exercise / blogging. Anyway, thats all for now. I will be updating...

Sunday, sunday, sunday

2008-01-27T19:53:00.000-05:00

So I weighed my lowest today, I have lost a total of 7 lbs to date!! I didnt do a very good job this past week... too many nights out partying- which will end soon. Very soon. This weekend was deemed GBOT, "get back on track". So I rested a lot, spent time with my lovely family, had dinner with the girls and even fit in some bar time. That was all Friday and Saturday. Today I layed out, worked out and cleaned up! Theres nothing else really new but I need to get back into my game. This week I will start blogging every day and doing my food diary, etc. I worked out hard tonight and I am waking up early tomorrow morning to run with my Dad.
So nothing exciting, I just want to let you all know that I will be back on track... still trying to meet my 10lb goal by Friday!!! eek!

Gross Day

2008-01-21T22:19:00.000-05:00

Ew ew ew. Today was good... stressful day back to work. I just get more and more frustrated with every day that goes by. Maybe this was a sign from God, but yesterday, my Treo broke... straight up broke. I put the battery in and it shows me some cool looking stripes-thats all. I had my old razor and programmed that as my new phone and ordered a new blackberry. I cannot tell you the itch I have to check my email. Its really kind of sickening. I am so distracted even writing this blog because I didn't check my email first. Okay, I'm better now (I just checked it).
Anyway, I am trying to deal with work one day at a time... I feel like 1 day cannot go by without a disaster. I just have to take it out on the gym. I went to lunch with my mom, we had fun and ate appetizers at PF Changs (I checked the caloric info before). I did fine during the day, went home from work and ran. I ran probably a mile and a half- I am still hurting from last week! Ahhh! Then I went home and lifted weights and did crunches. I had to eat dinner fast so I grabbed some shrimp cocktail and an orange. Maria, Brooke, my mother and I went to see 27 Dresses... I decided I would let myself have a treat and grabbed some gummie worms for the movie. I finished a small bag of them and proceeded to eat some popcorn. Yuck...! I ate probably 3-4 handfuls, but it had been SOOOOO long since I had eaten like that it was crazy! (It almost feels good to feel gross about that.) So I had to cut myself off and continued drinking my water for the entirety. The movie was AMAZING- I suggest all of you see it... even you Dad :-). Now I am at home watching True Life "I'm Happy to be fat"... how fitting. I will consider that another sign from God. Point taken.... moving forward from a rough weekend and hard Monday. I promise I will continue on the right track... gimmie some motivation people!

Its been awhile

2008-01-20T21:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know it has been awhile and I am sorry for being a "slacker blogger" (as I have so recently been deemed). My internet and wireless have not been on very good terms lately... leaving my blog as the casualty.
Update on my weight loss... I weighed myself on Thursday and have officially lost 6 lbs (in 2 weeks and 1 day). It looks like I am in pretty good shape for my goal... if I just keep on truckin! This weekend was a little bad... but I was bad within reason. I went to Fort Lauderdale to get away from it all...and definitely enjoyed myself! I didnt have ANY crazy club nights (consisting of high-calorie margaritas and drunk munchies), I was very moderate. I drank a little more red wine than I should have... and participated in smore grilling (post turkey burger...), which ended up being my only sources of diet-affair (okay, and I had TCBY tonight with strawberries and bananas. But thats it...). I worked out a lot last week and really pushed myself Wednesday night... Maria and I ran OVER 3 miles and then lifted and crunched for an additional hour afterward... it felt great! Until I woke up... I ran Thursday morning and felt my hard work throughout the weekend. I am feeling ready to continue my hard work this week... getting ready to run bright and early tomorrow at 6 AM! Ah. I will definitely be updating throughout the week. I promise. So check in soon for more updates...

Numbers

2008-01-10T08:44:00.000-05:00

Its so funny how a number can set the mood... either I could be so thrilled or incredibly upset.
I weighed myself yesterday, after my run, breakfast and 2 bottles of water, so I didn't think it was completely accurate. I decided to weigh myself this morning and I have lost 4 lbs!!! I am so excited! Yesterday morning I ran with my Dad and my sister... I came home and made breakfast, 2 eggs (1 whole, 1 white only) and a piece of whole wheat toast. For lunch I ate a Healthy Choice panini
and cottage cheese. Since I've been pretty busy at work, its so much easier for me to not eat as much throughout the day! I has a handful of peanuts as a snack midday and then made a bad decision to go to Happy Hour after work. I went to Outback with Brooke and had a glass of red wine, but it was happy hour so they were 2-4-1. Then we ended up eating dinner. We split an order of grilled shrimp and I had a salad with grilled chicken, almonds, tomatoes and a (literally) pinch of cheese. I barely used any of the vinegarette dressing I ordered to- which is so exciting since thats usually the basis of my salad! I did so well at dinner (for being out)... but then continued to make bad decisions :-). We then went to Ale House to meet up with Sarah (our co-worker) and her roommate... so I ended up drinking more wine. I probably had 1650 calories for the day... not too bad when alcohol is involved. But hey... I did it for my heart. A glass a day keeps the DR away! I was multi-tasking. As much fun as I had, I know I can't make that a habit anymore... after drinking, all I wanted to do was eat... I kept thinking about food but resisted temptation! Anyway I had a fun night and it was fun to indulge...for a moment.
I didn't feel as guilty about it after I saw how much I weighed this morning. I am so excited that I have los tthat much in my first week! I have 6 lbs to go before my February goal! Maria reminded me that it wont be this "easy" next week and that I have to keep that in mind. On Big Fat Loser (Biggest Loset to the rest of you...) you could tell in their second week everyone barely lost any weight! It was crazy! I am just going to continue to work hard, eat well and not allow myself to get down about a number. But for now, I will remain high and proud of my achievements! My deep appreciation goes out to all of you for your advice, suppport and guidance- you all are amazing!! XOXO

7 days straight

2008-01-08T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today is the official 7th day of the diet. I have gone 7 days eating well without cheating. Today was pretty easy, I kept relatively busy, working all day and then off to Outback at night. I skipped breakfast this morning and grabbed a Starbucks (non-fat vanilla latte). I went out to lunch with one of the owners today and looked at some property I'd like to move our offices into. Dave, the owner, like the property a lot, which is great news since its super close to my house! We went to Calistoga for lunch and I ate a salad with ahi tuna on it...yum yum. The dressing was a sesame ginger vinegarrette... not the healthiest, but I limited my portion. I ate a banana for a snack through the rest of the work day. Before Outback, I stopped at home to change and I made myself a turkey sandwich on wheat, and packed pudding, cheese made with 2% milk, and a serving of crackers- to prevent me from being hungry at work. I ate the sandwich on the way to work and snacked after my shift on the rest. I didn't eat a single french fry. For those of you in the business, you know how prevelant a french fry is and how often you just pick one of the plate... it became such a routine- but felt so good to not to do! I did drink half of a sprite-worth a whopping 70 cals- ugh... but oh well. I ended the day right around 1400 calories. I am pretty happy with that considering my goal is 1500! No workout today... aside from waiting tables... but I will be up again at 6 to run and I may even look into yoga tomorrow night- theres a facility by my house that does a beginners yoga course on Wednesday nights... Alright, I'm off to rest up for tomorrow- dont forget- tomorrow is another weigh in! Ahhh...pray for me!

Relapse

2008-01-07T21:16:00.000-05:00

I feel like I relapsed today. I mean, I didn't eat crappy I just snacked a lot. I ran 2 miles this morning and felt so good! It was a very enjoyable run... then I went home and made an omlet (1 egg & 1 egg white) with turkey and a little cheese. I ate a banana as a mid-morning snack. I got through the morning and went home for lunch. I ate a Lean Cuisine Panini which was soo tasty, but not completely filling. So I paired it with a cup of vegetable soup. Needless to say the first half of the day went very well. In the middle of the day I had a serving of peanuts (170 calories-ah!). I had to stay at work late for a 6:00 conference call... snacked on another serving of peanuts and a baggy of fruit snacks. I didnt get home until 7:30 and had to eat before 8, so I made a chicken caesar salad (with italian-style caesar dressing) for dinner. It was good but I was so hungry that I ate it way too fast and I was still hungry...so I snacked on crackers and cheese. AND THEN I needed something sweet... so I made my strawberries and pudding desert. I ended up eating around 1800 calories for the day... again nothing really TERRIBLE for me, I just ate too much. It sucks... and it sucks even more that I feel like crap about it!
So other than that, the day went well, I got a lot done at work and had a good meeting with the bosses... we'll see how the next year goes. They keep promising me all of these wonderful things... we'll just see if they deliver. It's hard for me to think about starting my own business when I am so frikken loyal to my bosses. I would feel bad to leave them- why do I feel that way!?! Anyway... I am watching the BCS game... so I must focus!! I promise tomorrow will be better... I will work harder.

The weekend

2008-01-06T23:04:00.000-05:00

The weekend went very well! It was the first weekend in a LONG time that I had nothing to do. I slept in on Saturday and had Sean and his friend Austin mow the lawn and weed. It was so cute to see them work hard... I even made them lemonade and gave them money...so cute!!! For breakfast I ate an apple... since I woke up so late. For lunch I ate my salmon leftovers, salad, sweet potato. Maria, the kids and I went to the park in the afternoon and played soccer and football. It was a nice alternative work-out! We were there for almost 2 hours and I was definietly sweating with the kiddies! I made a salad with crab and my homemade balsamic vinegarette for dinner. I ate the best desert after that! I mixed fat-free chocolate pudding with strawberries. It is my new favorite! My dad says I need to have something to "look forward to" and that is definietly it! Saturday was a pretty lazy day...
Sunday I woke up and went to church, ate a banana on the way for breakfast. After church I went home and made a turkey sandwich with whole wheat bread (w/ extra fiber!), pickles and ketchup...I know it sounds gross but you know about me and my ketchup! I layed at the pool for a couple hours, talked to some of you :-) and drank a diet coke. The sun started going down so I went home and had some cherries as a snack. Then I cleaned out my car, did some laundry and got myself organized. It felt so great!! I marinated chicken with lemon juice, a little olive oil and basil while I was doing laundry. I grilled chicken and made it with broccoli. Dinner was great... the grill really locks in the juiciness of the meat... I love my grill (thanks again Dad!)!! I had more pudding and strawberries for desert while I watched tv. Also... I poured myself a glass of red wine with dinner and couldnt take more than 2 sips of it. I had no yearn to drink it because I knew it was just empty calories and not even worth it. I was pretty proud of myself.
I think I am doing pretty well so far. I've been eating very well and it all tastes great! I am so proud that I have put the work into eating healthy food and still enjoying my meals and snacks! I am looking forward to starting the week tomorrow and getting into a real schedule. Maria, my Dad and I are running tomorrow at 6... I plan on running on Mon., Wed., & Fri. mornings. I want to do core, legs and strength training those nights after work. I need to work in 2 more days of cardio... maybe Thursday & Saturdays...we'll see!
So I think I am going to start counting my calories. I know I am eating healthy, but I want to make sure I am not over-eating since I know I eat a lot of fruit and not as many vegetables. Anyway... I will be sure to blog tomorrow...happy Monday!!

TGIF!!!

2008-01-05T01:23:00.000-05:00

Thank God it is Friday!!! Work feels likes it getting increasingly stressfull, but I am trying to handle it as best as possible! I started the morning off with an apple as my breakfast. I was so nervous for today because I had lots of plans and didn't know how I would end up doing... I met Ilana for lunch at Mimi's- I got a veggie burger and fruit (less than 400 calories and soooo great!). We had a nice time sitting out in the cold... its so sad to see all my high school friends leave again. I love when they are in town!
I ran errands near the end of the work day (snacked on a handful of peanuts on my way out the door) and ended up finishing a little early. My Dad and I went for a run in the beautiful weather! I ran and walked for about 20 minutes... then went home. I started up my wonderful grill and continued to do a small circuit while my dinner cooked. I jumped rope, did crunches on the core ball, lifted a little... it felt great to work up an appetite for dinner!
I knew I needed to fill up on my dinner since I would have a night full of temptation! I grilled this lemon-dill salmon (the whole piece less than 300 calories), zucchini, and a sweet potato. (The greatest thing about the grill is cooking an entire meal on it and not dirtying a single pan!) I had a salad before and ended up eating half portions of everything, saving the rest for lunch tomorrow. I still felt really full!
After dinner, I went to Maria's for 'game night' (officially an adult)... we had a couple friends over and they ordered pizza (lovely). I made sure I was full so I didnt even consider it! Once everyone finished the pizza they had dessert. This was an assortment of brownies, ice cream and apple pie. Killer. I brought my own dessert in case I got a sweet craving... so I mixed fat free yogurt, strawberries and a small portion of granola and had a yummy parfait! I still got to eat dessert with everyone and not feel bad about it! During our fun time of games and nice conversation, I ended up drinking a diet coke... something I know I didnt need. Regardless, I think I did a very good job for a Friday filled with temptation!
I had such a blast with Maria, her family, and Drummond (my asst. soccer coach) and his family. What a fun night! We played Wii, ghetto scrabble and uno (long storrry), and spoons! I love hanging out with all of them... hopefully one day I will be able to complete the circle with my man! And it will be 6, instead of 5 ;-). Onnnne day...
Anyway, it was a great day that has lasted a loooong time. Who knows what the weekend will bring, I am sure I will get some workouts in... and try to plan some other great meals and snacks!

Fired up

2008-01-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

Today was a little bittersweet. First, I went to the doctor, because I have this terrible voice... and haven't felt 100% for awhile now. I got a couple perscriptions, one for short term and another long term. It was sooo cold today!! I stopped back at home and got ready (wearing a tutleneck, pants, boots and a long coat!!! Still cold all day!)...I had a coffee and peice of whole wheat toast (with spray butter) for breakfast and then went to work. I dealt with a bunch of crap. For lunch, I ate a salad with a small amount of grilled chicken and my homemade balsamic vinegarrette (sp?). And for a snack, I ate tomatoes with balsamic vinegar, basil and salt...It was so yummy!
I worked throught the rest of the day, which was pretty exhausting. I am getting pretty sick of a lot of the management stuff. It gets pretty overwhelming when I have to manage for someone else. Not to mention, still focus on numbers and sales. Soooo.....I'm beginning to think more and more about my own company. (I know all this is off track...but I'll get there...) I was planning on meeting with my Dad about my budget anyway tonight. We ended set up a savings plan and a couple of goals. If I stay on track, I can start my own company by January 1, 2009! Ahh! How crazy is that?! It's so nice to sit down with him and get his advice on everything. He thinks about the details of everything (I call him my business manager)... probably where I get the realist in me. After that I am all fired up!
I just have to get through the next year working for someone else... egh. I'll just focus on saving money and losing weight!
Back on track...for dinner I ate a weight watchers pasta meal worth 5 points... pretty tasty! I finished it off with a half a cup of yogurt, and half an orange.
I also forgot to mention yesterday, I talked to Amanda and got some of her advice... she's probably one of the best examples of weight loss! She gave me advice about focusing on one thing, one week at a time. For example, this week, I am not eating mayonnaise. So not mayonnaise based dressings, no mayo on sandwiches, etc. Thats my first goal... and I will get used to it and continuously not eat it. This should make a big difference since there are so many calories in 1 tbs! Anyway, I didnt work out today... feeling pretty sore still from yesterday... thanks Lib :-). Tomorrow I am having lunch with Ilana before she leaves. This will be a fun challenge...

Also, I only planned on weighing myself every week... but I know some people weigh in everyday to keep it in their mind... any feedback?

Baby steps...

2008-01-02T23:04:00.000-05:00

So my first day was a success... here are my meals:
Breakfast:
1 Non-Fat Vanilla Latte (they arent that bad for you... per Libby!)
1 Nutri-Grain Bar
Lunch:
1 cup of pretzels (I kinda skipped since I was out of the office most of the day)
Dinner:
2 Cups of Vegetable Soup
I probably didnt eat enough and I was still hungry tonight... so I ate a little crab and a couple pickles.
Tonight after work I went to Libby's and got my butt kicked. We did "boot camp" which is like circuit training that works arms, legs, core and does cardio. You never stop working... it feels so great (but I am sure it wont in the morning!!!)... thanks Libby- you were a great trainer :-).
After dinner, I went grocery shopping with my sister and stocked up on lots of good, healthy food! Then I came home and made a nice salad and snacks for tomorrow! So far today has been good... well see how the rest of the week ends up!

First Weigh In

2008-01-02T09:44:00.001-05:00

Let me first begin with....wow. Weight is such a funny thing... you never know how bad it really is until you step on that scale. And as things get worse, I tend to venture further and further away from the scale- probably what I needed most in these past couple months. I can't do anything about that now, except look forward.

Let me just say I weigh more than I should. I am 5'8. Someone once told me average weight for women is 100 lbs for 5'0. Then you add 5 lbs for every inch. That means I should be 140? My ultimate goal is to be 150. But I am not even touching on 'ultimate' for now.
All of that is in the past now. Someday soon I will brag about how I came from here.

*Also, my first "goal" is to lose 10 lbs by February 1st. I know the first part will be the easiest... so I think that is feasible and isn't setting myself up for failure. Only time will tell...

My Resolutions

2008-01-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

So most of you know that I have a lot of goals. Goals for my career, my family, my health and my overall future. Needless to say, I have a lot of goals for 2008. Among saving money and staying organized, my biggest goal is to lose weight and get in shape.
Since I have turned 21, I have gained probably 30 lbs. It kind of snuck up on me... all of a sudden nothing fits me. My weight has fluctuated a lot since I was about 16 and its time to get it all under control. I figured there was no better time than the New Year!!
So since I think accountability is huge... I decided to start a blog about my adventure through working out, losing weight and possible temptations... I am only giving this to my closest friends who I feel comfortable sharing all these PERSONAL details with.
Tomorrow morning I will do my first official "weigh in" and continue to do weekly weigh-ins on Mondays. I am just going to try eating my best alone, and then possibly Weight Watchers... depending on how well I do without it. I'll keep you posted...wish me luck and keep me in your prayers!